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Harry Potter Jokes

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

Why couldn't Harry Potter find Hermione?

He was looking at all the Ron places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter

Now she is a 9¾

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".

Why can’t Harry Potter draw a straight line ?

He can only draw Diagon Alley.

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.

Harry Potter Joke

Hagrid: "You're a unit of power, Harry."

Harry: "I'm a watt?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter and the secret of Riddle

"He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

tom marvolo riddle

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

Mr. Tom, a Dildo Lover

"wait, shit, no," said Riddle."

Whats the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry survived the attic scene

Harry Potter became vegan...

Now he only speaks parsleytongue

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

What does Harry Potter and your Soulmate have in common?

They're both fictional Characters.

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn’t my fault I was the one facing the tv

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog's penis have in common?

Hogwarts.

What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??

Thata ginger would have two friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back.

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?

Dobby style.

What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?

They both went to Mount Vernon.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

Where did Harry Potter buy a white radish?

At daikon alley

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?

Someone loses a tooth.

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

Why couldn't harry potter feel the magic?

Because he was having a dry spell

How Does Harry Potter Order Tequila at a Bar?

Expecto PatronNow!

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

How did Harry Potter travel during the pandemic ?

“ flue” powder

How does Harry potter fuel his car?

He goes Execto petroleum

Harry Potter Yo Mama joke

Yo mama so fat her patronus is a fried chicken.

You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment

Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.

What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common?

Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.

I just read harry potter for the first time and i think its a little unrealistic

I mean a ginger with 2 friends??

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie

Bitches be vroomin', Witches be broomin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with Luke Skywalker?

Scar Wars.

Harry potter refuses to acknowledge he is imaginary

He is in daniel.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?

Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch

My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan

She always wears an invisibility cloak.

What do you call Harry Potter going through puberty?

Hairy Pitter

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