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Guarding Jokes

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates.

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed. (Angel : A, Person : P)
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can ac...

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Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

A secret service agent is guarding the president

A secret service agent is guarding the president

He’s escorting the president into a building

As he’s walking in the building, an assassin jumps out with a gun

The secret service agent says, “Mickey Mouse!”

The assassin is stunned and the agent is able to detain him
...

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

Guarding a block of ice

A guard was keeping tabs on a block of ice. Just when his shift was almost over a small man appeared out of nowhere. Startled, the guard raised a gun and shouted, "stay back! What do you want?"

The small man answered, "I am but a humble gnome seeking a small piece of ice."

"I h...

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by...

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by. The sphinx said to the man "you may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"

The man thought for a moment and answered "imagination".

"Wrong", s...

A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment

He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing"

The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?"

The man smiles, "I am Steve"

The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when three men in quick succession approached looking to be admitted.

St. Peter, as was his custom, asked the first man how he had died. "Well, the man replied, I came home unexpectedly this afternoon to find a cigar burning in the ashtray and my wife naked and alone in the bed. I suspected she was entertaining a lover and demanded she tell me where he was hiding. She...

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