How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

How did I help the lady get out of the hole

I used a pickup line

How do you get out of a room with impossibly high walls id all you have is a peice of wood?

First you rub the wood on your arm to create a sore. Then you use the saw to cut the wood in half. You stick the wood together again to get a whole. And you crawl out of the hole to freedom!

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How do you ask an Italian ass to get out of your way ?

Es-coochie !

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

How do you get out of a jam?

By having a toast

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

How to get out of friendzone

"Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" Works everytime

Sometimes it's difficult to get out of a habit.

At least that's what the nun in my bed said.

How did the crazy person get out of the forest?

He took the psychopath!

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

When you really have to pee but can't find the energy to get out of bed

You are in hiburination.

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How did I get out of Iran?

Iraq.

Did you hear about the beehive bees can’t get out of?

I heard it’s un-bee-leaveable.

A friend told me "I can't wait to get out of Brooklyn, they took my rims, put the car on bricks"

I said "you moved to Brooklyn so you can get a brownstone, now you got 4"

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Ever since having my baby daughter, she's become the only reason I get out of bed

16 times every fucking night.

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

What should you do when you get out of Yale?

Try to get a yob

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

How do you get out of a casino as a millionaire?

You go in as a billionaire.

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Late one night, a cop spots an older man in a car with a teenage girl. He tells the man to get out of the car.

"But officer, I'm Pastor Fluff! "

"I don't give a fuck if you're halfway up her ass, get out of the fucking car."

Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

The only rule to get out of a casino with a small fortune

Is to enter there with a large one.

How do you get out of San Francisco?

Go straight....

An Arabian person asked me and said “How did you get out of Iraq”

“Iran”

I tried to get out of Jury service by arguing that 12 jurors is unfair

It's 2 against 1

(Me) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

(Also me one hour later) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

There's a man who can't get out of bed before noon.

No matter how hard he tries, or how early he gets to sleep, he just cannot get out of bed before noon. For twenty years, his wife puts up with him until she suddenly dies in a freak accident.

The man meets a nurse at the ER who is also going through a life tragedy and they fall for each other...

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

Why couldn't the number 3 get out of bed

he could not even

Why can't proctologists get out of debt?

They're always in arrears.

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

I found out my wife's been blowing the judge to get out of her parking fines.

I shouldn't be talking about it really... The judge put a gag order on it.

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

How does a dinosaur get out of a swimming pool?

Wet.

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Hey reddit I've known this girl for a while now and I really need some advice to get out of the friend zone.

She's ugly and really fucking annoying, can somebody help me unfriend her?

How does Superman get out of risky situations?

He always has an ‘S’ cape

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

Well, that's one way to get out of a speeding ticket!

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. (Driving Under the Influence)

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
...

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

Why couldn't the crumpled can of coke get out of bed in the morning?

Because it was soda pressed.

How does a nucleus get out of prison?

Through the cell wall.



*Badum tss* :D

Go up to a guy in a bar and whisper “hey do you wanna get out of here?”

and if he says yes, you can sit where he was.

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There's a cliff to your right, a elephant to your left, a horse in front of you and a lion behind you, all running at the same speed. How do you get out of this predicament?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round

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