UPJOKE

Get Out Of Bed Jokes

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

Watched this TV show called "How To Get Out Of Bed"

Exciting stuff...I was on the edge of my sheet

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Ever since having my baby daughter, she's become the only reason I get out of bed

16 times every fucking night.

What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

(Me) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

(Also me one hour later) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

Why couldn't the number 3 get out of bed

he could not even

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



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Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



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What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

There's a man who can't get out of bed before noon.

No matter how hard he tries, or how early he gets to sleep, he just cannot get out of bed before noon. For twenty years, his wife puts up with him until she suddenly dies in a freak accident.

The man meets a nurse at the ER who is also going through a life tragedy and they fall for each other...

When you really have to pee but can't find the energy to get out of bed

You are in hiburination.

Why couldn't the bicycle get out of bed?

Because it was two tired

Why couldn't the crumpled can of coke get out of bed in the morning?

Because it was soda pressed.

Every morning, I get out of bed and run around the block 5 times.

Then I slide the block back under the bed and go back to sleep.

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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Man wants to go fishing

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”

The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”

So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”

The wife chooses a blowjob..
...

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

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Three olds men talks on a bench about retirement

One is 70 years old, the other 80, and the last 90
The first one says : When I wake up in the morning, I get out of bed, take my breakfast, take a shit, then go for a run
The second says : I do the same, I wake up in the morning, get out of bed, take my breakfast, take a shit, then I go for a ...

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Amber Heard's morning routine

1). Wake Up
2). Eat Breakfast
3). Take a shit
4). Get out of bed
5). Shower

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