UPJOKE
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A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

Maths teacher - Johnny, what's 2+2?

*Johnny counts on his fingers....*

Johnny - FOUR, miss?
Math teacher - yeah, that's right. But you are counting on your fingers...
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's 3+3?

*Johnny fumbles around..*

Johnny - SIX, miss?
Math teacher - yes, that's right..but...

A doctor is going around doing house calls with his new postdoc assistant.

Before entering the first house, he tells him: "I'm sure you think you learned everything you needed to know about the job, but you'll have to learn how to observe the patients and their habits if you want to diagnose them properly."

They go to the first patient, a bed-ridden woman. The docto...

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When...

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How to cheat on a blonde and get away with it.

A blonde woman suspects her husband is cheating on her so she buys a handgun and goes home early. Sure enough, she catches him in bed with another woman. The blonde fumbles in her purse and pulls out the gun. At first, she points the gun at her husband but out of distraught, she turns the gun on her...

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

A theologian, a physicist and a mathematician

A theologian, a mathematician and a physicist are standing on top of a burning five-story building. The only way to escape would be to jump into the pool at the back of the house. The theologian shouts: "God will save me", jumps, and hits the ground two meters beside the pool. He is instantly dead. ...

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with ...

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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A police man catches two people having sex in public

When he shines his flashlight on them he finds Bill and Hillary Clinton.


"Sorry I didn't recognize you."


the policeman fumbles as he tries to get away as fast as he can.
But Hillary is adamant:


"Arrest me! There are no special cases in America."


Relu...

A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

A female blond police officer pulls over another blond female driver..

Blond police officer: "Can I see your license and registration?"
Driver: "What's a license?"
Police officer: "It's a thing in your purse with your picture on it."
Driver: *Fumbles through purse and finds her reflection on a mirror and hands it to the officer*
Police officer: *looks in mi...

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

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Two blondes decided to go hiking up in the mountains...

Sure enough they got lost.One says to the other,"Well,pull out that field guide we bought and see what it is were suppose to do."So she fumbles through it.

"Ah.Here it is.It says were suppose to fire three shots in the air and that will let any one in the area know we are in distress and call...

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says “No.”

A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked “can you please check and see if my testicles are black?”
Again the ...

A cop was sitting outside the local bar because he needed to meet his quota...

A man stumbles out of the bar toward the parking lot so the cop starts to move in.

The man fumbles with his keys and tries to push them into the lock then drops them onto the ground. He blindly reaches down and grabs them. Tries the lock again and opens the car door.

He slumps down in...

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When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

The lock

One night a guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his apartment for the first time. Before he can open the door his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The guy says, "What do you mean?"

The girlfriend says, "First, if ...

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

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NSFW: Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey by the barkeep

"Hey keep I'll have what's on tap, and what's with the monkey"

"Watch this." The bartender then holds up one finger and the monkey jumps in to action. He gets a mug, fills it with the tap beer and gives it to the man.

"Holy cow" the man says, "That's amazing does he do any other tricks...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

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Old couple is sitting on the front porch

Old couple is sitting on the front porch. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fa...

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An Irish man walks out of the bar...

And he's staggering all over the place. He drops his trousers and starts pissing on the sidewalk. He walks up to his car and fumbles with his keys repeatedly, but eventually gets in and starts it and drives away swerving all over the place.

A police officer is watching this happen and turns...

Closing time at the local pub...

....comes around and the first to leave the pub is John. John stumbles out of the door, trips and crawls across the parking lot. For 15 minutes he fumbles in his pockets for his car keys, During which time all of the pub's patrons have already left. John climbs into his car, and starts the engine. <...

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