Flings Jokes - 37 Hilarious Flings Jokes

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours an...

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Lorena Bobbitt makes getaway

While leaving the scene of her infamous revenge, Lorena discovers that she is still gripping the disconnected member of that cheating ba***rd. She flings it out the car window into oncoming traffic.

Unfortunately it slaps against the windshield of a mom and young daughter.

Mom, !! Wh...

The pirate and the parrot

This Pirate, his parrot and his crew were rowing up on a ship they’re gonna try and board in the dead of night.
The Pirate whispers out in’a gravely voice, row you dirty b***tards.
A few seconds later the parrot whispers, row you dirty b***tards.

The Pirate whispers out, feel the f***in...

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

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Soup

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

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12 men training to be priests are taking their final test

The priest says okay this is your final test! Line up side by side and pull down your trousers. He walks past them handing them each a bell and instructs them to tie the bell to their dick. Then he brings in a naked girl and says I'm going to walk this girl past you and if your bell rings you fail!....

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What is the difference between Donald Trump and an orangutan?

One is an orange beast that makes noise and flings crap at people. The other is an ape.

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his ...

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AND GOD CREATED MAN

2 weeks after creating Eve,God returns for a visit. "Hows it going Eve?"
"Great, except for this third boob. It throws off my balance when I walk. I think 2 would be better."
"Very well." God holds out his hand before Eve and her middle boob falls into it. God flings it into the bushes.
2 w...

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A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!

He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

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An elderly couple prepares for bed one night

The man is sitting in bed reading while his wife of more than 50 years finishes her nightly ritual.

The elderly lady gets an idea to spice things up and feel young again so she takes off all of her clothes and puts her robe on

She then jumps out of the bathroom flings open her robe and...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

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A husband wife go to the zoo.

They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband.

Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show th...

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Vegas Vacation

Three male work buddies decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break time on their first day back...

A man walks into a grocery store.

A man walks into a grocery store. After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is, he asks a worker. The worker replies, “Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps your hot stuff hot, and your cold stuff cold!” Intrigued, the man decides to buy i...

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

I was following an ambulance today

Going down the road with the lights on and siren blaring. We were on a highway with a high speed limit so I could keep up without being too close.

The ambulance goes around the curve ahead of us and the back door flings open. A cooler rolls out and lands on the side of the road.

I fi...

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Drunk farmer

It's late at night and the drunk farmer comes into the house after a long day of work and a trip to the local pub. He stumbles home and enters his house. His wife is already fast asleep in their bedroom. The drunk farmer stumbles in abruptly, banging off the walls and knocking his wife's trinkets ov...

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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.

The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”

“Ye...

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The Barrel.

A guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets familiar with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other r...

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Three men hear of a wish-granting boulder.

This boulder is rumored to be located at the top of a steep cliff, so the men set out on a rather grueling hike in order to find it. Upon arrival at the very top, they find a natural monolith of sorts, and are greeted by a booming voice.

"Greetings, travelers!" the voice says. "I am the Rock ...

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The Three Chinese Tortures

A man is stranded in the desert; he is tired, hungry, thirsty, and on the verge of death. As he walks along, he sees a house! He can't believe his eyes! He runs up to the house, and wildly knocks on the door. A small Chinese man opens up the door.

"Please help me! I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, ...

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon

Hilary invites Donald on a bury the hatchet secret meeting before the knives come out in the run up. A little while into the trip she springs a surprise on the other President hopeful..

" So Trump.. I would like you to say hello to our pilot, Pedro who happens to be Mexican, and my assistant,...

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

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Only joke I know.

So I remember reading this joke on a website years ago and it really stuck with me, and I really don't know any others, and it's a little long, sorry. Here goes...

A tourist is visiting New York city for the first time and has come to the observation deck of the Empire state building, replete...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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