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Yankee Jokes

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little...

What is a "yankee?"

To those from elsewhere, a Yankee is an American.

To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.

To northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.

To easterners, a Yankee is an New Englander.

To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.

And in Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eat...

I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won.

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

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A Southern lady sits down next to a Yankee businesswoman on a plane. Trying to be friendly, the Southerner asks, "So, where ya'all from?"

The Yankee sniffs in disdain and replies, "Where I'm from, we don't end our sentences in prepositions!"

The lady, a little shocked by the rudeness says, "Aight, where ya'all from, bitch?"

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

What's the definition of a yankee?

It's like a quickee but you do it yourself.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever

It makes no scents

What is a Yankee?

Same as a quickie but you can do it yourself.

What's the difference between a Yankee stadium hotdog and a Fenway park hotdog?

You can buy a Yankee stadium hotdog in October

Whats the difference between a Yankee and Native American?

If you stick a feather in a Yankee's hat, you have to call it macaroni.

The Pope is giving a speech at Yankee Stadium...

He gets off his plane and hops immediately into the car with his driver in the front. The Pope looks at his watch and realizes how late he is.
"Hey, Mr. Driver, can you go a little faster, please?"
"I'm sorry your Holiness, I've been told to drive the limit for your safety."
"Oh for the lov...

what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

What's the difference between a Yankee, a Damn Yankee, and a God Damn Yankee?

The Yankee comes to the south for a visit and quickly leaves. The Damn Yankee comes for a visit and never leaves. The God Damn Yankee comes for a visit, never leaves, and then goes on and on about how much nicer it was back home.

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

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Yankee Doodle can use other names too

Helen Keller went to town while riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it 'UGLABERPL'

Adolf Hitler went to town while riding on a pony, when someone stuck a feather in his hat, he threw it on the ground and screamed 'NIEN!'

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Yankees Dankee Go Wankee

I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

What is a Yankee?

It is the same as a Quicky but your alone.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

The Texan and the Yankee

A Texan and a Yank are walking on a beach when they come across a genie's lamp. The genie promises to grant them each a single wish. The Texan thinks and says "I want a wall two miles high and two miles deep around Texas. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out." The Yank asks the genie, "so noth...

Scotsman at a Yankees game

So a Scotsman goes on vacation to NYC, and decides to take in a Yankees home game, as he didn't understand baseball and wanted to learn more.

So he settles into his seat and the game starts. In the top of the second inning, he sees the pitcher walk the batter.

The Scotsman, not unders...

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Did you hear about the cartoonist from Massachusetts that only uses semen in work.

His name is Yankee Doodle

Southern

A University of Alabama student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where y’all go to school? " The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or sou...

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

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What's a yankees favorite porn duo?

His wife and i

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

For all the baseball fans..

How does a Yankee fan change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about how great the past 27 were.

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.

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the Pope and the baseball fans

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic fight just off shore. A man, wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey, was struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25ft shark.

As the Pope ...

Sing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"...

Helen Keller went to town,
A-ridin' on a pony,
Stuck a feather in her hat
and called it "Hunngunnggunufffungg"

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The Yankee farmer moves down south

So this farmer from up north decides he's going to retire and move to the south. After he gets his house and land he starts to miss farming so he decides to start back up but on a small scale. The farmer walks to the local flea market to see what he can find and first off he sees a man selling 2 chi...

50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...

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Why do the Yankees want Mr. Miyagi on their team?

Because he can catch fly balls with his chopsticks.

A man brings his dog into a talent agency.

Says he's got a real talented dog. Figuring that this won't cut into lunch, the agent agrees to see the dog's tricks. First, the man puts out some number blocks and asks the dog "what's two times two?" The dog dutifully paws the number four block.

The man then asks, slightly louder, "What's t...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

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My brother has Tourrete's and it makes it very hard for him to find a job.

I feel so guilty because I'm the one who told him the worst word he could say was "fuck."

If I told him "hotdogs" was the worst he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

Baseball

A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Braves fan. “Except for Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for ev...

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee twat" the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you mov...

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

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What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

The New York Yankees Officially Sign Adrian Peterson

They needed a good switch hitter.

Bill & Hillary are on the mound of Yankees Stadium

Before one of their games. Bill picks up Hillary and heaves her towards home plate.

As the SS run over to help her up, One of their handlers screams at him, "Mr. President! You were supposed to throw the first *pitch!*"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

One foggy night

One foggy night, a yankee fan was heading north from New York, and a Red Sox fan was driving south from Boston. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head on, mangling both cars.

The yankee fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car a...

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An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

CIA Agent arrested in Russia

A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin thei...

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My dad's favorite

This feller from up North decides that he wants to retire to the farm life, so he hops on the bus, and rides down to Tennessee. After getting off of the bus, he takes off walking down a country road. He comes across an old man selling rabbits and says, "I'd like to buy one of your finest rabbits, pl...

A Seattle Mariners fan, a Detroit Tigers fan, a Boston Red Sox fan, and a New York Yankees fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for Detroit!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up ...

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The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obv...

What kind of "key" are you?

An Iranian and an American sat on a plane next to each other, there was silence until the American asked the Iranian :

-What kind of ian are you?

-What?

-I meant Indian, Indonesian, or Iranian?

-Oh I'm Iranian

Two hours passed without a word

The Iranian aske...

Once upon a time three guys went hiking

By nightfall they ran out of food they all notice that there's one slice of bologna left, so they all decided go to sleep for the night and whoever wakes up the next morning with the best dream will get the last slice of bologna.

The next morning came and all the guys woke up, so the first g...

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Jerking off is like baseball

It starts with the phillies, then yankees, then you have white sox

I was walking down the street one day in New York City when I was approached by a black guy. He asked me "Did the Yankees Win?"

I said "Well yeah, you're free"

My Uncle said this now that there are two popes

Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"

I was walking in the Bronx when a black guy stopped me and said, “Hey man, did the Yankees win?”

I said, “Yes, Of course. The South is still fighting over confederate statues though.”

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The Knees and the key.

My roommate in college was born in China. Once, at a get-together, someone asked him, “What kind of ‘knees’ are you?”

He asked, “What do you mean?”

“You know — Chinese, Japanese…”

He said, “Oh, I am Chinese. What kind of “key” are you?”

“Key?” they asked.

“You know...

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Funny Jewish joke

Before you ask, no this is not an offensive jew joke, it is jewish humor:

A man by the name of Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan.
"I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".
T...

What do you call an American Drawing?

A Yankee Doodle.

What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball Teams?

The Expos and The Yankees

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

Engineering Position

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery company. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: ...

An American walks into a bar. He finds an Iranian man sitting at a table.

He asks the Iranian man, "Are you one of those Ians?".

The Iranian replied, "What do you mean, Ians?"

"Indians, Iranians - all are the same."

The Iranian paused for a while. After that he asked the American, "Are you one of those keys?".

"What do you mean, keys?"

"...

Good news and bad news

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try ...

A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.

He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in th...

The world unites

A Geordie bloke is stood outside his house and he sees a bloke from the next road over coming down his street "OY! What are you doing in MY street?".

Before the second man can respond another bloke from Middlesbrough appears at the other end of the street "OY!", they both shout, "what are yo...

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Firemen

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene " that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop " on the edge of tow...

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Two men walk into a bar

one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laug...

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

Three men are in a bar

Three men are in a bar, talking about the Red Sox. "I think they'll win it all this year," said the first man. "No way, the Yankees are too good", said the second man. "Well, I've converted to several versions of Christianity and still belong to all of them!" declared the third man, before walking o...

A Scotsman Visits his Pen Pal in New York City...

and they decide to catch a Yankee's game.

Now, the Scotsman was unlearned in the rules and dynamics of America's past time, so his friend took it upon himself to preach the religion of baseball.

The first batter pops a fly out to center field.

"Now, you see there? How the outfie...

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Two Asian men are drinking in a bar...

And a Caucasian man walks in, carrying a shotgun. He takes a look around and then shoots one of the Asian men dead.

Horrified, the bartender shouts: "Why the fuck did you do that?!"

The man replies: "Well, yesterday when I returned from work, this guy was on my bed, with my wife, both ...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

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