So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

There are 4 rules of war. 1. Don’t march on Moscow. 2. Never get in a land war in China. 3. Don’t invade Afghanistan.

And finally: Ignore rules 1 to 3 if your name is Genghis Khan.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

A man and his wife are walking through the streets of Moscow in the 40s

Something starts to fall from the sky one christmas evening...

The woman stops and says, "it's snowing!"

Her husband replies, "no, it's raining, I think...."

The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "let's get a second opinion...."

They approach a near...

Where's Moscow?

In the barn, next to Pa's cow.

I'll show myself out.

In Moscow, between the '80s and the '90s

Two friends are waiting in the breadline, when one of them says:

"Ugh, I can't take it anymore, we're waiting from 4 hours and still nothing."

"Yeah, and so? What are you gonna do?"

"Know what? Let's end all this! I'm gonna kill Gorbachëv!"

And he walks away.

After...

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

A couple were walking through Moscow one day in the 60's

An old friend of theirs, Olf, who was a member of their local communist party wing, started talking to them.

Olf always had a reputation for being kind at heart, but gruff and a bit sour in conversation.

As they finished their conversation, Olf told them it would start raining in aroun...

Newcastle has partnered with Moscow to corner the napkin market.

They're going to call it, "The Serviette Union"

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Puns about Russia...

Some are Volga but Moscow them are pretty lame.

I was thinking about moving to Moscow...

but there's no point Russian into things

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

So there was an American and a Russian arguing.

Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”

The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned...

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Three men are stranded on an island

One is russian, one is german and one is british.

Suddenly a goldfish appears and says: "The water around this island is magical, if you jump in it and say where you wanna go you will be teleported there."

The russian jumps into the water and yells "MOSCOW!" and POOF he teleports to Mo...

Putin calls Trump and tells him

"Donald, I saw a strange dream... I saw America, all this beautiful country you know... And on every house I saw a poster."

"And what was written on the posters?", Trump asked.

"The United States of Russia."

Trump says, "You know, Vladimir, I'm very glad you called. Believe me o...

I’m so happy about all this “Moscow Mitch” business going on.

We’re finally Putin him in his place.

A tourist from Canada walks into a Moscow restaurant.

He orders fries and gravy. When the order comes and he tastes it, he says "Ugh, I hate this poutine!"

He was never seen again.

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A beautiful night in a Moscow park.

A young couple is sitting on a bench.

The girl says "Vanya, take your glasses off, you're tearing my pantyhose!"

A few minutes later the girl speaks again "Vanya, put your glasses on, you're fucking the bench!"

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So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!

"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!

His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tr...

A soldier and a citizen are sharing a cigarette in soviet Moscow one evening when they see a man hurrying down the street...

"Hey! You there! Stop, comrade!" says the soldier.

The man continues to rush down the street, nearly at a full run.

"I said STOP!" shouts the soldier as he shoulders his rifle.

The man continues his rush down the street as a crack thunders through the air and the man falls to t...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Curfew in Soviet Russia

In the 50s, in soviet Moscow a curfew is in place between 9pm and 6am. Two russian soldiers see a man sneaking around in the bushes. One of the soldiers rises his AK and kills the man.

"Alyosha, is only 8:45, why you kill him?"

"No, no Evgeni, i know the man! He live far away, he would...

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions

Little Sasha stands up and says:

I only have 2 questions:

1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?

2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?

Before Putin was a...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'

...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

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Stalin and Hitler are in hell

Stalin: wanna here a joke

Hitler: sure

Stalin: Moscow

Hitler: I don’t get it

Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker

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It's the 1950s, and four Russians come to Moscow after a long trip...

They check in a hotel; Ivan is trying to sleep, while his three friends start drinking and talking. Ivan asks them to stop several times, but they just ignore him.

Soon, they get really drunk and start telling political jokes; they laugh so noisily after each one that Ivan, really pissed off ...

What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia?

A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion.

Where do Russian cows go to gather moss?

Moscow.

A citizen of Moscow went into a restaurant

A citizen of Moscow went into a restaurant and ordered: "Borsht, veal cutlets, rhubarb pie, a cup of coffee....oh and a copy of Pravda please."

"Certainly," said the waiter, "we have all that you have ordered except Pravda. That newspaper ceased publication when the old Communist regime colla...

A couple are in Moscow on Christmas Eve

A slight precipitation starts coming down and the couple starts arguing. The husband says, “look it’s raining” but the wife says, “no, that’s clearly snow”.

The arguing continues for a minute and then they decide to ask a local for help. They stop a man and ask his name and he replies, “Hello...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

What's Devin Nunes favorite kind of cow?

Moscow.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
...

Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of natu...

1937 in Moscow

Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"

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Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.

Hitler says "Yes."
Stalin then says "Moscow."
Hitler replies with "I don't get it?"
Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."

The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...

The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

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How was Russia able to film Trump's hotel room in Moscow without the US knowing?

Piss\-poor planning.

Heard about the Moscow plane that went down...

...probably because they were rushin’

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

The President of Ethiopia pays a visit to Moscow to meet Vladimir Putin

So the two sit down and discuss their politics when Putin says, "Hey, I'm bored, we have a fun little game we play here called Russian Roulette. We should play it."

"How do you play?" The President of Ethiopia asks.

"Easy, here's a pistol. It has a round and some empty slots. Point th...

WWII, Eastern Front

Troops under the command of Baghramyan are the first to reach the Baltic. To present his success more pretentiously, the Armenian general personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But a setback happened: whi...

A couple was walking in Moscow in the 1970s

The husband looked up at the sky and said "It looks like it's going to rain. We should probably try to get home." His wife disagreed, and said "I don't think so. I'd like to just keep walking." They continued on their walk for a while, but the husband still thought it was going to rain. So he walked...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....

Problem with corruption in Moscow

A lot of people have gotten away from paying spreading tickets in Moscow lately. The police commissioner have to act, he sends out a memo saying: 'You have to stop and fine everyone not matter who they are, or how important they are'.

Next day Putin is driven to work, but his driver drives v...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think its raining" says the man.
"No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman.
"How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He w...

How to write a paper at Moscow University:

1) Putin it off

2) Stalin it

3) And then Russian to finish it.

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A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather ...

Moscow cops

Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?

One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Moscow?

He got snowed in.

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A black man and an ukrainan walk into a bar

A black man and a ukrainian walk into a bar in Moscow

They look at eachother for a while and then the black goes first:

Give me a shot of vodka! -he says to the bartender (he gets it and drinks it)

The ukrainian looks at him and orders a shot of whiskey (he gets it and drinks...

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A talmudist goes to Moscow...

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist
from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop,
a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young
man and he thought: This f...

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

A man from Moscow decides to move to a new collective farm in Siberia.

His family is excited at the possibility of leaving their cramped flat in the city for a nice country house, but they have heard mixed things about the new Siberian farms so the man agrees to go on his own first, and write back to let them know if they should follow him or not.

They know the ...

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

During the days of the Soviet Union...

...a fellow in Moscow decided he wanted a car. During those times, items deemed to be luxuries were scarce, and there was a long wait for them. So he saved up for it over a period of years. When he finally had enough money for the car, he went to the dealer and paid the money.

The dealer s...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

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A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari...

Along the way, they are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request."

The German asks for a mug of be...

Where do Russian farmers get their milk from?

Moscow

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

Lenin in Warsaw

At an art exhibition in Moscow, there is a picture showing Nadezhda Krupskaya, Lenin's wife, in bed with a young member of the Komsomol. The title of the picture is "Lenin in Warsaw." A bewildered visi- tor asks a guide: "But where is Lenin?" The guide replies quietly and with dignity: "Lenin i...

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The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking ...

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class

Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!

Little Kid starts crying

Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??

Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now

"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide"

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Where's Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

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TIL there is a cocktail named after Donald Trump

Moscow Mule

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

Skripal case

In the Skripal case, I am for a symmetrical answer: let the British poison two of their betrayers in the center of Moscow and calm down.

Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...

"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."

Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either...

A hostel in USSR

A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USS...

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

There once was a cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the ...

American spy was sent to the USSR.

In order to create the perfect spy to infiltrate Moscow.

The plan was simple, order a votka in a local bar and see if they realize you are not Russian.

After a week of preperation they go to a small bar in the country side. The American ask for a votka, the bartender pours votka and sa...

A bank CEO goes to Russia on a business trip.

While touring around Moscow, he gets into a nice restaurant. After ordering his food, he sees a beautiful woman sitting in the bar, looking at him. They start making eye-contact and eventually the CEO invites her over, being the nice gentleman he is. She accepts the invite and sits across the table....

A phone call to G-d

One cheery day, a Texas billionaire was visiting Moscow on business. Russian president Putin was giving him the grand tour, Ukraine, St. Petersburg and finally the Kremlin.

The tall Texan saw on Putin's desk 3 different color telephones, a red one a blue one and a white one. The Texan quest...

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Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching ...

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

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