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Facepalm Jokes

What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree?

facepalm

Ringwraiths

My daughter watching Lord of the rings:

D: “So the hobbits call the nazgul the black riders right?”

Me: “yeah”

D: “the nazgul are like: ‘yo, that’s wraithist’”

Cue facepalm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)

 

me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*

&nb...

My girlfriend out-dad joked me today

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

A father is scolding his stupid son.

"Timmy, you're an idiot! You're as dumb as this table!"

He knocks on the table for effect.

"Dad, dad, someone knocked, I'll go get the door!"

Father facepalms.

"Gods, Timmy, you're stupid. \*I\* knocked. \*I'LL\* go get the door!"

A preacher's wife comes home from shopping with a very expensive dress.

The preacher cringes when he sees the dress. "We're on a budget, remember?"

"I know we're on a budget," replies the wife, "but the devil himself went shopping with me. He convinced me to try on the dress."

The preacher facepalms. "When that happens, you're supposed to say, 'Get behind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel lobby.

Hotel employee: “Sir, you have a reservation?”

The Native American facepalms: “Screw you, not this shit again.”

The chief walks away.

Me :how do you not get the joke ?

Random user: I Reddit wrong
Me: facepalm














edit :My first silver award thank you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father and son free a genie and he promises them 3 wishes...

The father starts explaining "Son, these wishes are very precious, we have to think before" but the son says without hasitation "Give me a hedgehog!" Genie snaps his fingers and there is a hedgehog. The father loses it and facepalms "Fuck the hedgehog." Suddenly the genie cries in agonizing pain: " ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

2 Cops.

Cop 1: Hey, we have a B&E case, let's go investigate.

Cop 2: *GAAAAASSP* Bert & Ernie?! My 2nd grade best friend shaved his head once and got to meet them. I never saw him again so I shaved my head hoping that I could live at Sesame Street too.

Cop 1: *facepalms* He was a Make-...

God is in Heaven and looks down on the Garden of Eden...

... and he sees Adam and Eve being more intimate than he’d planned.

So God rushes down as fast as he can and catches up with Adam and reprimands him.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re both supposed to remain pure!”

Adam looks down, embarrassed and God soon notices that Eve...

What happens when a clown farts?

It smells funny.

--As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

Albert Einstein's final words

Lying on his death bed at Princeton Hospital in New Jersey, Einstein starts to write letters to his family, friends and work colleagues.

The first letter writes: "To my children, know that I am ready to die. I have lived a good and meaningful life and I wish to fade into what comes next eleg...

What happens when you put an elephant in the fridge? Dad asks little Johnny

"I don't know dad" responds a perplexed Johnny. "It gets cold" Dad responds with a smirk. Little Johnny looks annoyed and tries to protest but is hit with the next question "What happens when you put a giraffe in the fridge?"

Johnny tries to think knowing what a troll of a dad he has. He shru...

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