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Fap Jokes

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I got caught fapping...

while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

What do you call a person who just started fapping

New cummer

I’ve tried NoFap for the last week or so.

It’s been alright, but a lot of the time it’s really hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap

Go fuck yourself.

Do not fap on a plane..

Unless you enjoy hijacking

I went 11 years without fapping...

And then I turned 12.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so many years into NoFap..

Until I found porn at the age of 10

Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record?

He almost pulled it off.

Did you know that a single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it? That means your average fap is worth 1587.5 TB.

That's a lot of information to swallow.

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

What do you call fapping to dubstep?

Wubbing one out.

Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap?

He only knows up strokes

I still occasionally fap over my ex

Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a british man who bleeds when he faps

A Bloody Wanker

Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to.

She's the only one that finishes before I do.

Dad walks in on son fapping

He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!"


The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."

If i was caught fapping in an airplane....

Am i highjacking???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

Ever got caught fapping under the kitchen sink?

Me neither! Great spot, isn't it?

Some guys are afraid to finish when fapping...

Not me, though. I ain't afraid of nuttin!

What do you call it when Einstein faps?

A stroke of genius.

I joined /r/NoFap

Never thought it would be this hard...

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. worth it? :/

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[Almost a real story] My middle school friends and I, when we were in middle school, were talking about our wet dreams. everyone was having a good time talking about the naughty stuff, but my friend Hassan was all quiet and unamused. Later he came to me and said that he wants my thought.

\- So what's up Hassan?

\+ Ali all the guys are having wet dreams and I am not. Am I sick or something?

\- I don't think so. but there must be a reason that you don't. tell me, Do you fap?

\+ Of course I fap.

\- Do you fap a lot...?

\+ not really. once or twice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the female pornstar get fired from her job?

She had a fap sheet a mile long!

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

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What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for my new fap chair....

....or computer chair as they call them in Stores.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

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Heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

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Dark jokes

1. How many dead babies do you need to change a light bulb? Well, apparently not 11, my flat is still dark.
2.Dark humor is like legs, some people don't have it.
3. What is the difference between jews and children? Children come back from their camps.
4. How much time does it take to grill ...

I'm so broke

The only way I'll come into money is if I fap into my wallet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've heard google are planning to make a porn site...

It's called Google Faps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

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