This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got caught fapping...

while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

This isnt even a joke....

My recruiter at this job 5 years ago told me.

"being a trucker driving trucks over the road is like the only place i can think of where fapping is acceptable in the work place."

Until they installed driver facing cameras lol

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

Do not fap on a plane..

Unless you enjoy hijacking

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

I went 11 years without fapping...

And then I turned 12.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a british man who bleeds when he faps

A Bloody Wanker

Did you know that a single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it? That means your average fap is worth 1587.5 TB.

That's a lot of information to swallow.

Did you hear about the guy who went for the world fapping record?

He almost pulled it off.

I still occasionally fap over my ex

Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper

Ronda Rousey is the only MMA fighter I can't fap to.

She's the only one that finishes before I do.

Why did the ska guitarist take twice as long to fap?

He only knows up strokes

Dad walks in on son fapping

He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!"


The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

If i was caught fapping in an airplane....

Am i highjacking???

What do you call fapping to dubstep?

Wubbing one out.

What do you call it when Einstein faps?

A stroke of genius.

Some guys are afraid to finish when fapping...

Not me, though. I ain't afraid of nuttin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. worth it? :/

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the female pornstar get fired from her job?

She had a fap sheet a mile long!

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've heard google are planning to make a porn site...

It's called Google Faps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy is having trouble in the sack...

He goes to the doctor's office and complains about not being able to last a long time in bed and how it was hurting his relationship. His doctor tells him that there's a simple solution for his problem: A quick fap before having sex.

The guy thanks the doctor and rushes home to bang. As he's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple is releasing a new Virtual-reality headset specifically for VR porn.

They are calling it:The iFap

I'm so broke

The only way I'll come into money is if I fap into my wallet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dark jokes

1. How many dead babies do you need to change a light bulb? Well, apparently not 11, my flat is still dark.
2.Dark humor is like legs, some people don't have it.
3. What is the difference between jews and children? Children come back from their camps.
4. How much time does it take to grill ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

Guy goes to the doctor...

Doctor: Findings show you should stop your fapping and get another hobby.

Guy: Seriously Doc?

Doctor: Seriously, Richard. Especially when I'm still talking to you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because it was my first fap in over two weeks.

Reddit, lend me your jokes.

I'm going to the florida arcade and pinball convention tomorrow. obviously its initials are "FAP". I need as many horrible fap jokes as possible for my friends (example: i called all my friends to tell them i'm coming). thanks for the help.

sincerely,
- an immature adult

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer's Fetish (VERY NSFW)

Once upon a time there lived an elderly, wise old farmer, who was horny as fuck. Seriously, it gets pretty lonely out there in the sticks.

Anyway, one day he purchased a new milking machine for his cows which promised rapid, efficient delivery of a near-endless supply of dairy goodness by att...

My gf is one of those people who ruin films by asking silly questions when you're trying to concentrate...

Last night we were watching *Schindler's List* when she leant over and whispered in my ear "why are you fapping?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The telephone rings in quiet suburban British home...

A woman answers "Hello" immediately she hears heavy breathing and fapping sounds. Then a mans voice says in a low creepy gravel tone " Uughhhh I bet you have a fat...hairy...smelly....CUNT!?"

To which she cheerfully replies "Yes! He's just watching telly now. Would you like to speak with him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese boy who just got beat by his dad after getting got masterbating?

A fap happy jappy with a slap happy pappy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dildo

A woman had just recently been separated from her longtime boyfriend. After a week went by she was getting horny, so she stuck her hand down her pants and starting fapping on the couch. She tried to get off but just could not with her hand. Frustrated and unable to sleep she decided to go the t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.