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Existential Jokes

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

My professor wanted me to write an essay on existentialism...

So I passed in a blank sheet of paper

My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

If people don't wish to discuss the cruel existential futility of all human endeavour they shouldn't say..

...Good Morning in the first place.

Existential Java

I mixed de-caf coffee with regular coffee and they must have cancelled each other out because now I feel nothing.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis...

it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

Did you know that dolphins have existential crisis too?

They wonder if their life has a porpoise.

What do you call an existential lycanthrope?

A whywolf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

Did you hear about the existential pirate?

Me thinks, therefore me arrrr!

What did the existential bread say when it was having a midlife crisis?

I knead some answers

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

Investors are reporting a sense of existential dread and dilemma after repaying money borrowed to buy dried fruit...

Some folks just can't live without raison d'etre.

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.

He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

Why did the dictionary have an existential breakdown?

He couldn’t find the meaning of life.

What does a waffle call his complete existential paradigm shift?

His eggo death

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bed salesman has an existential crisis and sells all of his wares for 100% off.

The sale slogan? “Fuck it, nothing really mattress.”

After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

How do you give a solipsist an existential crisis?

You tell me.

What do you call a homeopathic remedy thought to cure simply because it exists, yet has no purpose nor explanation as to why?

Existential oils

I don’t like jokes about existentialism...

...they don’t have a purpose

Does anyone else ever suddenly get all existential and acutely aware of their own self-awareness and that other people around you have their own consciousness?

Just making sure it's not just me.

Did you hear about the dolphin who went thru a existential crisis?

Turns out, he lost his sense of porpoise.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed...

I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"

My neighbors are worried that I’m having an existential crisis but I don’t know what they’re so concerned about.

It’s not like anything matters anyway.

What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig...

What's the difference between a Benign Cancer Cell and Malignant Cancer Cell?

One of them has an existential crisis.

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

A digging exploration

One day the US government decided to fund a digging exploration to explore the earth

They built a gigantic machine filled with thousands of soldiers, scientists, engineers etc

As they were digging through the earth's crust, the suddenly hit something big and had an emergency.

At...

Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book “Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet.” Noted for its brute realism, the book’s message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called “Kierkegaard...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

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Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

What do you call an anti-joke that makes it to the front page of r/jokes

Honestly, I have no idea. It's still an antijoke, but the subversion of expectation might lead some to call it a joke. It could be both, but that poses somewhat of an existential predicament for this sub.

Courtesy of u/FiveBirds

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