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Napoleon Jokes

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

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I've decided to name my penis Napoleon...

...because there's a big misconception that it's short, but it's actually average sized

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Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

What do you call Napoleon hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown Apart.

Did you know Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other?

They're only a Bonaparte

Why doesn’t Napoleon watch Game of Thrones?

Because Winter is Coming

What was Napoleon’s favourite piece of chicken?

The wing.

He liked to pick the bone apart.

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

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Why did Napoleon stop masturbating?

He pulled his bonaparte.

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

I asked my friend if he could tell me what ethnicity Napoleon was.

He said course I can.

What would Napoleon Bonaparte's fried chicken restaurant be called?

The French Fries

How do you call Napoleon when he's undecided?

Napoleon tornapart

The year is 1799. Napoleon is strategizing with his advisors. A map of Europe is on the table before them...

Napoleon says "Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!"

One advisor asks "What is your plan, General?"

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. "All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to u...

Short chefs may not have Napoleon Complexes...

But they sure have complex Napoleons.

Why did Napoleon and his wife sleep with other people?

Because their last name was Bonaparte, not Bonetogether.

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

Why didn't Napoleon get his wish?

Because he couldn't pull the wish Bonaparte.

I bought an umbrella with brand name Napoleon.

On a strong windy day it got blownapparte.

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What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

How do you make Chicken Napoleon?

You use only the bony parts.

Did you know Napoleon always had his hand in his jacket because he broke his arm?

He had a bone-apart

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A Geordie private in the Napoleonic Wars was walking alongside his General when he heard a rythmic rumble in the distance.

"Whats that noise, General?" the Private asked.

"Those are war drums, lad"

"Thieving bastards!"

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Hope you all enjoy this niche bit of Northern English humour!

Did you hear that Napoleon died in an explosion?

He was Blown-apart

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

Napoleon may not have been the sole designer of his jacket...

but, I believe he had a hand in it.

Knowledge is knowing Napoleon..

... was about the average height for his time.


Wisdom is not putting Napoleon in a fruit salad.

Napoleon got shot right in the shin

It tore his bone apart

What's the saddest thing to come out of Russia at Christmas?

Napoleon.

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That’s right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

A general once asked Napoleon Bonaparte if he was capable of leading a country.

"Of Corsican," he replied.

The border guard asks Napoleon ‘Can you tell me your nationality?’

‘Course I can.
Corsican.’

I was gonna tell a joke about napoleon complexes...

But it fell short.

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Smart Ass Out Of The Box Answers By Students Who Failed

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marr...

Why doesn't anyone know about Napoleon's siblings?

Because they were born apart.

What happened to Napoleon when he got hit by a cannonball?

He became Napoleon BLOWNapart.

Credits: YT/recycledcitizen

I started dating my friend's sister and he says we're now Napoleon friends

Because we're only a bone apart.

What happened to Napoleon after he crashed in the Tour de France?

Well, I never heard, but that tore Napoleon's bones apart.

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

Where does Napoleon keep his army?

In his sleevies

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In order to concentrate superior combat strength in one place,
economy of force must be exercised in other places.
Economy of force requires the acceptance of prudent risks in
selected areas to achieve superiority at the point of decision.
One account has it that Napoleon allowed a subor...

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The fuck is wrong with Napoleon's skeleton?

Sorry. There's a bone apart.

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Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

I'll tell you what I know about Napoleon

Very little

What did Napoleon say when he arrived at the banquet?

Bon, a partay!

Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'?

It's too complex

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

You know what Popeye and Napoleon have in common?

They both come on those little jugs of Olive Oil.

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

IN HIS SLEEVIES!

Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

Why did Napoleon return from exile?

He needed more Elba room.

They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform...

Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

in a mental hospital

first patient: "I am Napoleon."
the doctor: "How do you know that?"
first patient: "God told me."
second patient: "That's not true, I didn't tell him anything like that."

This guy named Napoleon asked me to join his army. I said yes.

I was just happy to be aparte of things

There was a young French artillery officer, who had notions of grandeur, that is, until the day he stood too close to a firing cannon

He thought he was Napoleon, but he was actually blown-a-part.

A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum...

A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum. He talks to one man and asked him, "Who are you?".

The patient replied,"I, sir, am Napoleon".

"How do you know you are Napoleon," asks the Doctor.

"God told me," and a voice from the next bed shouted out "I did not!"

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

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The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

A teacher asks her student

"Can you tell me what Napoleon's nationality was?"

"Course I can."

"That's right!"

"Fake News, inevitably, will be the end of us all!"

- Napoleon Bonaparte after Buzzfeed posted an article titled "10 Shortest Dynasties (Literally)"

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A guy walks into a lunatic asylum

He starts yelling "I'm going to derivate you all!"

All the Napoleons and Theodor Roosevelts start to panic while one guy just starts laughing his ass off.

When asked why he's laughing he says:

"I'm e^x"

The General's new clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his
experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.

"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the
great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"

"Well" the aid says, "Napole...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs?

His horse Marengo

What happens when you give Eevee a French stone?

You get a Napoleon

I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow.

His name was Napoleon Bone apart

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

[NSFW] What do you call a French suicide bomber?

Napoleon Blown-Apart



Posting from mobile and don't know how to tag nsfw

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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