UPJOKE
gregorypontiffvatican citybishopcatholic churchsaint petercardinalpapacypope francisclergyarchbishopcatholichead of statejesusjerusalem

Pope Jokes

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope thinks for a second, "No, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Europe." And the other dw...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

Pope died and arrived in heaven

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catho...

What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime

I asked the B-52s where i could find a Pope

They told me "Rome if you want two!" Had to break the news about benedict to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.


After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward t...

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

You know why they can’t cremate the pope?

‘cause he ain’t dead yet

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

Arnold's got a long one, Brad's got a short one, and the Pope doesn't use his...

I'm talking about their last names, you pervert!

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

How did Dio fix the pope's PC ?

He installed a holy driver

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

Statistically there are

Statistically there are 2 popes per square kilometer in the Vatican

What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day

when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.<...

The Pope is engaged in an intellectual debate with an atheist. Fed up with the atheist's irreverence towards the leader of the Catholic world, the Pope finally snaps at him

"Arguing with you is impossible!" the pontiff proclaims. "You cannot speak of God in such a way. You look for the Lord like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't even there!"

The atheist is silent for a moment, but then says: "We are not so dissimilar. You are also a...

The prime Minister of Israel invited the Pope to a game of golf,

And since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell the Prime Minister that you're sick or something."

Honored by His Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent ...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Antonio dreamt of meeting the Pope

He put on his best Armani suit to attend mass at the Vatican. In the row of pews in front of him, Antonio noticed a bum in dirty, raggedy clothes. During the processional the Pope came up the aisle acknowledging and reaching out to people along the way. Sure enough the Pope headed toward Antonio. He...

Pope in Hotel

The Pope is on a "business trip".

In the hotel,he asked his secretary if the hotel had a sauna, and the secretary confirmed.

The pope says: "ok, let's go to the sauna."

The secretary is shocked, "Your Holiness, it's a mixed sauna!"

Pope: "Since when are you afraid of Prot...

I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.

He said, “F**k off.”

I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”

I said, “He told me to f**k off.”

“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pele showed up in Hell....

Pele showed up in Hell and Satan said, "How is this possible? You were beloved by millions and gave generously to those in need."
Pele explained, "When I got to Saint Peter's gate, there was a big crowd waiting but they had room for only one more. Saint Peter winked at me and pronounced 'he who h...

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

What is the Pope's favorite NFL team?

The cardinals

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

TIL the Pope is elected by the Cardinals.

You'd think the Angels would do something like that for Mike Trout.

What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

On land, the Pope gets around in The Popemobile, but what does he use to fly?

A papal airplane.

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

the Pope dies and goes to heaven

Saint Peter greets him and says "you have led a good life ,here are the keys to your hutt"

The Pope goes to the hut and finds it full of everything he desires and more, he is so happy he opens the window and there's a huge mansion in the view

He goes to saint Peter and asks him, who is...

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again aske...

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI

WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

What happened when Pope John Paul II got shot?

He became ‘His Holeyness’
(No offence to Catholics/Pope/God)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

Why does the Pope wear Crocs?

Because they're holey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are just for decoration

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

Is he the Pope?

A man and his wife are out walking about town one day when they spot an old man sitting alone at a bus-stop on the other side of the road.

"That looks like the Pope over there", says the wife, "Go and ask him if he is."

The husband crosses the road and asks the old man if he is indeed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the Pope after he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the shit out of him

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven is celebrating

A man was waiting at the Pearly Gates, when he noticed a commotion, suddenly a choir of angels start singing and the whole place is rejoicing.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“Soon a man whose deeds and actions were greatly admired by God, will be joining us and we’re anticipating the arr...

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old jew visits the pope

The pope was sitting in his office one day when his secretary came running in.

“Your Holiness, there’s an old jew who’s been sitting outside your door every day for the last few weeks. He said he wants an audience.”

The pope was surprised by this statement, but seeing as the jew had w...

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew Seeks Audience with The Pope

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.

"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.

"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"

"My father was a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope in a limousine

The Pope was visiting L.A. and found himself not only late for an important meeting but stuck in L.A. freeway traffic. From the rear seat of the limo the Pope said to the driver, “If you don’t mind, I would like to drive.” They switched seats and the Pope steered the limo to the shoulder of the free...

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is on his way to church

Walking along side a lake when he comes upon a fisherman,
He was reeling in a fish,
The priest says “nice fish”,
The fisherman says “thanks this is the biggest somabitch I caught all day”,
The priest says “hey you shouldn’t talk to me like that, I’m a man of the cloth,
The fisherman s...

A wrestler, the pope, and a horse walk into a bar

The wrestler walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like 3 drinks for myself and my friends here!"

The pope suddenly says, "I'm sorry, but I can't indulge in alcohol since I'm the pope."

The horse says, "Well, you took me here, but you're not making me drink."

The wrestler s...

What do you call a female pope?

oe

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Washington got it big, Biden got small, the Pope got it but don't use it. What is it?

The surname.

News: Pope says men are now allowed to date nuns

...So long as they don't get into the habit.

Why is the Pope obsessed with cats?

He's a cat-holic.

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stop...

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

Rabbi of Jerusalem visits the Pope …

at the Pope’s private desk, the Rabbi sees a very ornate phone. The Pope says it is a direct line to God and invites the Rabbi to use it.

Rabbi makes the call and it is God! They have a nice conversation. After the call, the Pope says, “That will cost €100.” The Rabbi pays for the call....

The Pope and the Police

Once, while travelling, the pope was bored.
He turned to the chauffeur and said "Why don't you let me have a go? I've never driven before, it looks fun!"

The chauffeur was not overly enthusiastic but he reluctantly swapped places.
The pope started enjoying himself, and decided to find o...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

How does the pope pay his bills?

PaPal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

What did the couple do that fell for each other right after the pope died?

They found love in a popeless place.

The pope dies and goes to heaven

So St. Peter opens the door.

Peter: Yup, who is it?

Pope: It's me. The pope.

Peter: Who?

Pope (incredulous): The pope. Christ's successor in the church.

Peter (sizes him up, snickers): Hold that thought.

He closes the pearly gates and asks for Jesus to come ...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.