UPJOKE
sifodinnorse mythologyasgardthundergermanyold englishviking ageheyerdahlgermaniathursdayicelandlokiold high germangermanic peoples

Thor Jokes

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

Why is Thor’s brother not as famous?

Because he’s rather low-key!

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Why did Thor cover Iron Man's back?

Because he is an Asgardian.

How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...

Avengers... Assemble

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

Why did Thor not go for the head?

Because he was going for the Thor-Axe

I'm Thor!

One day, while looking upon the world from his perch high upon Valhalla, Thor is starting to feel his oats. To put it more bluntly, it's been a while since he's been laid.

He jumps down to earth and sees a comely farm girl. No words are spoken-- he just sweeps her off her feet and they make w...

I'm Thor

I bit my tongue

What does Thor call his underpants

Thunderwear

Why is Thor always showy?

Coz he doesn't like to be Loki...

Thor's Birthday

Did you hear the one about Thor's Birthday party?

There was only a few people.

He wanted to keep it Loki.

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

NORSE GOD OF THUNDER: "I'm Thor!"

NORSE HORSE WITH A LISP: "That'th becauthe you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

NORSE GOD OF THUNDER: "Oh you."

I named my hammer Thor

Because after swinging it all day my arm is thor.


I tried to post a pic of it as part of this, but there was no option for that.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

Why doesn’t Thor like secrets?

He hates to keep things Loki.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

Thor

What did Mike Tyson say after a tough fight ?

I am Thor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pink kryptonite turns Superman gay. What does Thor use?

The Bi-frost.

My 14 year old just came in and told me this one, said he made it up himself. I was impressed.

God Of Thunder

Awakening the morning after an orgy, the god of thunder was stretching sleepily when he noticed a beautiful Valkyrie standing in the doorway. “Good morning,” he said. “I’m Thor”. She replied “ You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith.”

Why Can’t Thor play Piano?

He hates playing the Lokis.


(I know it’s bad plus it’s better read out loud)

Thor and his pals were bored in Asgard one evening

So they came up with the idea to travel to Earth and go to a nightclub. He bumps into a very attractive girl at the bar and without saying a word, they are in love with each other and start making out. They leave immediately and go back to the girl's place. The passion is intense and they make love ...

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is your butt Thor?

....cuz I'll be your Asguardian.

Did you know Thor can't get drunk?

He just gets hammered.

Why does Thor iron his cloak?

Because he knows what a crisp hem's worth.

Thor

Thor goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse.
He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets he is sat on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain.
He stands up on the horse and shouts "I AM THOR" and as his voice echoes through the valleys his horse replies:...

What does The Mighty Thor wear beneath his armour?

Thunderwear

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

What did Thor wear in the prison shower?

An Asgard

Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

Someone said I look like Thor from The Avengers

They have only seen The End Game

Why did no one notice Thor's brother?

Because he was low-key

Why didn't Thor go to the party with his brother?

Because it was too Loki for his taste.

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

I am Thor.

Tho thor I have a hard time thitting down.

Why was the son of Odin Thor?

He sat down without his asgard

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

Thor the Thunder God rode out

Upon his favourite filly.
'I'm Thor', he cried.
The horse replied,
'You forgot your thaddle, thilly'.

What happened to Thor at the pub?

He got hammered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

Thor

The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

Thor gets a hit on his tinder profile...

After a night of wild, unrestrained god-level passion he notices his date looks a little knackered.
Sorry, but I’m Thor. He says
The girl looks up and says, You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can’t thpeak

Thor doesn’t get tipsy

He’s always hammered.

Why did Thor get fat?

He got leTHORgic

Why is Thor's brother always overlooked?

Because he's low key.

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Thor's underwear?

His ass guardian

What’s Thor’s favorite animal?

The Hammerhead shark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor came down to Earth from Asgard

Thor goes to a singles bar to have a drink, and sees a beautiful girl he'd like to make love to. He goes over to buy her a drink, and she has a slight speech impediment, but Thor doesn't care because she is so beautiful and sexy.

They leave the bar, and go to her apartment, and proceed to hav...

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

Thor went out to an Asgardian bar one night...

And he meets this beautiful woman. They go home and spend the night with each other. The next morning when they wake up Thor says "You know I must tell you... I am Thor." The woman replies "You're Thor? I can hardly walk."


Stolen from Chris Hemsworth on The Graham Norton Show

What do you get when you cross Captain America and Thor?

A Chris-cross

Why did Thor hate playing games?

Because he was a Thor loser

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor.

Odin and Thor are having a conversation between battles in Valhalla one day, and Thor is explaining how he's jealous of humans.

He says, "We battle all day every day, and it's great, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on the things humans enjoy, like sex."

Odin tells h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor meets a woman with a lisp

Thor decides he hasn't been to Earth in quite some time and decides to go down and let humanity know he still exists. So he flies down and lands on a woman's balcony. After entering her apartment he grabs her, throws her on the bed and fucks the shit out of her.

A few days later, in Asgard, h...

Thor and Thanos actually had many similarities in Endgame.

For one, they were both hammered.

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.

Where does Thor go to use the restroom?

Bowelhalla.

Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother?

Because he's low-key.

If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party

would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah?

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Thor's butt hurt when he fell down?

He didn't have his Asgard.

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

Why was Thor unable to get any sleep?

He Was Up All Night to Get Loki

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

Some say Thor's dad is a pretty interesting guy

I say he's Odinary

Thor gets drunk, blacks out and wakes up next to a man.

Confused, he looks at the man and says, "I AM THOR."

And they guy says, "You think you're thore, my ath is killing me."

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.

He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got hit in the bum by Thor

really need an Aesguard.....as told by my 11yr old nephew....

What is the brother of Thor's favorite dance?

The lokimotion.

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

Thor the God of Thunder

So Thor, the God of Thunder, is sitting on his cloud on Asgard when he suddenly wants to visit the humans. He jumps on his magical flying horse and rides down to them. When he gets there he proclaims, "I AM THOR!" to which his horse replies, "Well, that's because you forgot your thaddle thilly."

How does Thor's home float in space?

_Asgardium leviosa!_

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston invite Chris Hemsworth to his Thor Ragnarok afterparty?

Tom wanted to keep it a loki affair.

Thor Odinson may not be the coolest God-name ever...

But it's still better than Loki Adoptedson.

/burn

Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants.

I don't see many frost giants.

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

Volvo has Thor’s Hammer Daytime Running Lights. For 2021, Lexus introduces Nagasaki Airbags...

You won’t even feel the impact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Thor wear to prevent him getting gayed on?

An ass-guard

Why wasn't Thor invited to his brother's surprise party?

Odin wanted to keep it 'Loki'.

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

Why did Thor hide his relationship with his brother?

Because he wanted to keep it Loki

Why didn't Thor go for the head in infinity war

Because he Loki didn't want to win

What’s the difference between Thor and Lee Harvey Oswald?

Oswald actually went for the head

Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.

I had this great joke about Thor...

but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viking God Thor comes to Earth...

and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

Why could Thor never find out where his brother was hiding?

Because his brother was Loki.

How does Thor's brother like to party?

He likes to keep it pretty Lo-key

What sort of cereal does Thor eat?

Loki Charms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thor's first time with a mortal woman

Thor was bored with Valhalla so one day he decided to visit the Greek gods on Mt Olympus.

Well him and Zeus hit it off, and after more than a few drinks, Thor confessed to Zeus that he'd never done any mortal women, like Zeus was famous for doing.

So Zeus says - oh you'd better get rig...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.