UPJOKE
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Don't You Jokes

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

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Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

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Don't you think it's unfair that some people get to be celebrities, but their siblings remain in the background?

I mean, everyone has heard of Hilary Swank, but not her sister, Gloria.

Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?

Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.

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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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Why don't you ever see black people on cruises?

They'll never be tricked into that one again...

During a bus trip, the driver commented to a passenger: "People only value things when they don't have them, don't you think?"

The passenger replied: "Are you talking about a woman, money...?
The driver said: " I'm talking about the brakes..."

Why don't you want to play Uno with Donald Trump?

He takes away all the green cards.

Don't you dare hit that drum again!

If you do, there will be repercussions!

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised

Don't you just hate it when people come knocking on your door, telling you that you need to be saved or else you're gonna burn?

Stupid firefighters.

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?

They are deathly afraid of being exorcized

Why don't you ever seen women magicians?

Because the last time we did we burned them

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

Don't you hate it when... [NSFW]

...you could have actually viewed that Reddit post at work?

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?

Husband: How can I ?
I don't even know her.

Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck.

Why don't you make a deal with a good fisherman?

They always have a catch

Don't you just hate jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

Don't you hate it when you need to pay to use the bathroom?

I'll take my business elsewhere.

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Why don't you see any pregnant Barbies?

Because Ken CAME in another box....

Why don't you want to be friends with a pepper?

Because they're always jalapeño business.

You know how they caught Cosby don't you?

The proof was in the pudding

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

This is America,why don't you learn to speak English!!

Karen yelled at a group of Scots.

Don't you hate it when you can't tell if a text response is angry or enthusiastic?

YES!!

Don't you love when you drop the soap...

And it lands perfectly vertical, standing there like magic?!?

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do

"Practice"

Don't you hate it when your computer crashes?

That's the last time I use autopilot on my tesla.

Don't you hate it

when people don't finish their

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American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

You know how to find Will Smith in the snow, don't you?

Just look for the fresh prints.

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After sex one night a husband and wife are talking in bed. The husband asks, "Why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

"Because you ask me not to call you while you're at work unless it's an emergency"

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