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Demetri Martin Jokes

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,

I'd just yell out letters.

- Demetri Martin

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall....

“I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged.

I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters.

(H/T Demetri Martin)

I’m a man of my word

And that word is “unreliable”

-Demetri Martin

My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes

i said "Sure how about this one?"



[credit to Demetri Martin]

What did the sign for the strip club say during the day?

Sorry, we're clothed


Taken from Demetri Martin

A guy waved at me and ran over the other day...

He said "oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"

I said, "I am"


-Demetri Martin

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