A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?"

Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"

What do you call flat Mountain Dew?

Plateau Dew

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?

You will be mist.

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

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A small church had

a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or ...

A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a w...

I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women..

Morning dew.

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Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

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Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.

Father: Before or after sex?
Son: I don't know what that means?
Father: Well there are two different types
Son: Umm, before sex.
Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring.
Son: Oh woah. What...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

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A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

Three wives were talking to each other about their husbands and comparing them to drinks.

The first said, "My husband is like 7-Up. Because he's got 7 inches, and it's always up."

The second said, "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew. Because when he gets home from work, he likes to 'mount and do' me."

The third says, "My husband is like Jack Daniels."

The first r...

Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person?

If so, you may be dew condensation.

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One day at a sex shop.

A brunette comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”

The guy says “30 bucks”

“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.

Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a...

Two female co-workers are chatting it up

...and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.

One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one i called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.

The second one i called mountain dew, because when it c...

If my man were a soda...

Three married black women are talking about their love lives with their husbands. They decide to assign each of their men a soda that represents them. The first lady says, "I'd call my man seven-up. 'Cause he's got seven inches and they're always up, up, up."
The second says, "I'd call my man Mo...

I got a job as a fog bank, I'ts hard work with little pay...

but I make dew.

My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, “just dew it.”

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

Two Melons Fall In Love

The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”

The girl replies, “No, baby. I cantaloupe.”

One cloud says to another, "Oh no, we don't have enough water to make a rainstorm"

The other cloud says, "don't worry - we'll make dew"

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An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he’s tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn’t work, it’s for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, “Ney laddie, werks ever time. But ‘ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed. See ever lil’ detail, ever lil’ soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.”
...

The redditor of all the land sits on his throne

A line of people are waiting to tell him their problems.

The first one walks in.
“I was milking my cow and I realized how annoying and useless it seemed”
The king said “Go follow into the room on the right, and sit on the couch.”

A second person walks in.
“I was doing schoolwo...

Me: Do you want something to drink?

Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess Diana

Friend: Got anything else?

Me: Just Mountain Dew.

Friend: So those are my only two options?

Me: It's Dew or Di.

I tried marrying a melon...

But apparently we cantaloupe

Nature is so resourceful

It can make dew with just water

I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist...

I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

Three Amish ladies are in a field picking potatoes

Their husbands names are Jake, Jacob and Jakey. They would always get confused. So one day they decided to nickname them. Mabel said "lets name them after soda pop", the other two said "what do you mean?". Mabel said she would go first and said " I'll call my Jacob 7-Up because he has 7 inches and i...

Three women are at a restaurant getting lunch.

They all date men named Jeff, by coincidence, and they always get confused when they talk about their boyfriends.

One of the women says to the others, "Why don't we give our boyfriends nicknames so we can tell them apart?"

The second woman, takes a drink of her soda and says, "Why don'...

What is a nymphomaniac's favorite soda?

Mountain Dew

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Viagra Cocktails

Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and Do

Jack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off Daniels

Smirnoff + Viagra - Sperm Off

Budweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

Timbuktu

From my 80 year old Granddad:

Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;

Slowly across the desert sand,
...

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Blonde slots

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counte...

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My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

Your momma so dumb

she tried to climb Mountain Dew

3 Women are Talking About Their Husbands

But since all of their husbands are named Bubba, they are getting confused about which one they are referring to...

So they decide to give each of their husbands a nickname based on a soft drink.

After a couple of seconds, the first woman says that she wants to refer to her husband as ...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.

Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, st...

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Indian names

One day this little Indian boy asked the chief how he named all the new babies that are born.

So the chief explained that when he gets up in the morning whatever the first thing he sees he'll name them that.

For example when I look out and see a bear I will name that baby, sitting bear...

The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.

"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.

"7-Up, because he's got seven in...

My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan.

They give credit where credit is dew.

3 women where having a coffee and some girl talk

One of them goes:

"Girls, if you're man was to be compared to a soda brand, what would it be? Mine would be 7UP, because he's 7 hard inches, always up"

"Well mine would be Mountain Dew since he likes to mount and do me everyday." says the second.

The last one ponders for a secon...

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A son interested about sex. (Nsfw)

A son who is just learning about sexuality in fifth grade class has a lot of questions. He can't sit still thinking about the basics of sex. One day after school, he goes to his dad and asks him a question. He asks "Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" The dad pauses and thinks for a fe...

The Story of Jed

There was once a man named Jed, who had grown tired of the may-may culture. But he was at work in the engineering yard, and couldn't just turn off his computer or hide it. This was not the first time he had grown angry with it, and the last time he had destroyed his computer in a rage, so it was now...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

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I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If...

Misc religion based puns

What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest

What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.

What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.

What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in...

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A priest is in the confessional hearing confession...

...when he realizes he really has to go to the bathroom. So, in between sessions, he sneaks out of the confessional. He finds an altar boy and says, "Johnny, I need you to take over for me. It's really easy. Just listen to their confession, and then tell them to do some Hail Marys and Our Fathers."<...

Shopping for Melons

My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list.

Why are birds always sad in the morning?

Their bills are over dew

Why did the letter arrive wet?

Because it had postage dew.

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An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site

An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site. They are just finishing up lunch when an iron beam falls from above, killing them all.

In Heaven, Saint Peter greets the three workers. The Irishman remembers Saint Peter from his Catechism and immediately throws himself Saint...

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