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Dew Jokes

Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory

You gotta have a can dew attitude.

Two Mountain Dews are sitting on a counter. One Mountain Dew is almost empty and the other is fresh out the ice box

The fresh Mountain Dew looks to the old Mountain Dew and notices he looks upset. He asks “What’s wrong?”

The other drink responds “I can’t dew this anymore.”

Him: honey, dew you want to run away and get married?

Me: what? no, we cantaloupe.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack?

Mountain Dew Code Blue

What did the rising sun say to the morning dew?

You will be mist.

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women..

Morning dew.

Three wives were talking to each other about their husbands and comparing them to drinks.

The first said, "My husband is like 7-Up. Because he's got 7 inches, and it's always up."

The second said, "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew. Because when he gets home from work, he likes to 'mount and do' me."

The third says, "My husband is like Jack Daniels."

The first r...

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Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

What’s the white stripes favourite kind of moisture? Dew

dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew dew

A guy walks into a convenience store and asks "Can I have a can 'o dew?"

Store clerk tells him, "No can dew"

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

What is Fred Flintstones’s favorite drink?

Yabba Dabba Dew

What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?

Eye dew.

What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

Yo mama so thirsty

She climbed Mt. Dew.

-- my 9 year old

Describe your college life using the name of a beverage?

Mountain Dew.

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

Three women

are sitting at a bar, talking and drinking. They decide to give their husbands nicknames. The first woman says, “I would name my husband Mountain Dew, because when he mounts, he knows what to do.”
The second woman says, “Well I would name Manny 7-Up, because he is seven inches long and always up...

does anyone here know what the liquid coming from your eye is?

Eye dew

Can do attitude

Scientists are developing a hybrid cantaloupe/honey dew. To succeed, they’ll need to have a can dew attitude.

How many Sith Lords are required to change a light bulb?

2. An apprentice to dew it, and a master to tell him how to dew it.

Me: Do you want something to drink?

Me: We've got this new soda called 'Princess Di.' It's a tribute to Princess Diana

Friend: Got anything else?

Me: Just Mountain Dew.

Friend: So those are my only two options?

Me: It's Dew or Di.

Your momma so dumb

she tried to climb Mountain Dew

What do you call an empty ring of wet wood chips?

Mulch a-dew about nothing

I tried marrying a melon...

But apparently we cantaloupe

My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, “just dew it.”

What do you call flat Mountain Dew?

Plateau Dew

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.

God stooped down low and found a man waiting i...

I really should stop procrastinating on my meteorology paper.

It’s about dew.

When God ran out of rain water

God had to make dew

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person?

If so, you may be dew condensation.

What d'you call a slightly damp rabbi at breakfast?

morning dew

One cloud says to another, "Oh no, we don't have enough water to make a rainstorm"

The other cloud says, "don't worry - we'll make dew"

I have a soft drink fetish

when my girlfriend asked what i wanted to do tonight, i replied, “mount and dew me”

One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says...

"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?"



The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

What is a nymphomaniac's favorite soda?

Mountain Dew

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I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

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Indian names

One day this little Indian boy asked the chief how he named all the new babies that are born.

So the chief explained that when he gets up in the morning whatever the first thing he sees he'll name them that.

For example when I look out and see a bear I will name that baby, sitting bear...

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist...

I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

Soda Pop Boyfriends

At their ten year high school reunion, Mary is seated with her old friend Jane.  Mary tells Jane about her husband who she has been with since high school.  Jane tells Mary that she never did marry but had plenty of boy friends and that she always named the boy friends after soda pops.  Really a...

Two Melons Fall In Love

The guy says, “I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don’t want to wait. Let’s run away to Vegas together.”

The girl replies, “No, baby. I cantaloupe.”

If my man were a soda...

Three married black women are talking about their love lives with their husbands. They decide to assign each of their men a soda that represents them. The first lady says, "I'd call my man seven-up. 'Cause he's got seven inches and they're always up, up, up."
The second says, "I'd call my man Mo...

Three bestfriends are all dating men with the same name...

They got confused all the time about which boyfriend they were talking about, so one day they decided to make up some nicknames, one girl was drinking some pop and said "hey, let's name them after pop?", they reply with "sure"
First girl goes and says "I'm going to name mine Mountain Dew cause he...

Three Amish ladies are in a field picking potatoes

Their husbands names are Jake, Jacob and Jakey. They would always get confused. So one day they decided to nickname them. Mabel said "lets name them after soda pop", the other two said "what do you mean?". Mabel said she would go first and said " I'll call my Jacob 7-Up because he has 7 inches and i...

My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan.

They give credit where credit is dew.

Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.

Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, st...

Why did the letter arrive wet?

Because it had postage dew.

The night before the wedding

The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.

"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.

"7-Up, because he's got seven in...

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Blonde slots

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counte...

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Viagra Cocktails

Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and Do

Jack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off Daniels

Smirnoff + Viagra - Sperm Off

Budweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser

Timbuktu

From my 80 year old Granddad:

Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;

Slowly across the desert sand,
...

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An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he’s tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn’t work, it’s for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, “Ney laddie, werks ever time. But ‘ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed. See ever lil’ detail, ever lil’ soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.”
...

3 Women are Talking About Their Husbands

But since all of their husbands are named Bubba, they are getting confused about which one they are referring to...

So they decide to give each of their husbands a nickname based on a soft drink.

After a couple of seconds, the first woman says that she wants to refer to her husband as ...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

My Last 3 Boyfriends gossip

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.


One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.


The se...

Why are birds always sad in the morning?

Their bills are over dew

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One day at a sex shop.

A brunette comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”

The guy says “30 bucks”

“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.

Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a...

Shopping for Melons

My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list.

3 women where having a coffee and some girl talk

One of them goes:

"Girls, if you're man was to be compared to a soda brand, what would it be? Mine would be 7UP, because he's 7 hard inches, always up"

"Well mine would be Mountain Dew since he likes to mount and do me everyday." says the second.

The last one ponders for a secon...

The Story of Jed

There was once a man named Jed, who had grown tired of the may-may culture. But he was at work in the engineering yard, and couldn't just turn off his computer or hide it. This was not the first time he had grown angry with it, and the last time he had destroyed his computer in a rage, so it was now...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If...

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

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A priest is in the confessional hearing confession...

...when he realizes he really has to go to the bathroom. So, in between sessions, he sneaks out of the confessional. He finds an altar boy and says, "Johnny, I need you to take over for me. It's really easy. Just listen to their confession, and then tell them to do some Hail Marys and Our Fathers."<...

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My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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