An old feller and the new city speed bumps

One day an old man is sitting with his daughter at breakfast, “have you driven by the parks lately?” He ask his daughter. The daughter replies “no, why do you ask dad?” The old man says “well every time I drive by the parks I hit these new speed bumps they put in, they scream if you drive too fast. ...

Paddy and Murphy were walking back from the pub together when they saw a job flyer posted on telegraph pole. It read “Tree-Fellers Wanted”

Paddy turned to Murphy and said “it’s a shame Seamus isn’t here, we’d be perfect for that job”

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

A geologist was driving down a country road

A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how long the rock had been here.

The farmer says "in fact, I do! It's a million and ...

Why are lumberjacks always men?

Because they're fellers.

The hanging

A cowboy rides into town one day and drops into the saloon for a drink. He looks around the bar and says to the bartender “This place is empty today, where is everybody?”.

The barman tells the cowboy “Everyone’s at the hanging’”.

“A hanging” huh?” says the cowboy. “Who they hanging?”<...

Two Irish men, mick and Dara are walking in the woods..

Mick and Dara are walking in the woods when they come up on a sign saying "Job opportunity! Good pay. Tree fellers wanted."
"Ah, jaysus" says Dara, 'tis but a shame there's only two of us"!

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company...

Two Irishmen walked up to a logging company, when they saw a poster :

"Tree fellers wanted! We are hiring"

"That's a shame" , said one of the Irishmen , "There's only two of us!

Tree fellers.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.

At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss...

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Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

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A feller from Arkansas went to Tennessee.

While he was there he met a girl and they fell in love. Eventually they got married and went on their honeymoon. They are about to do the deed when she tells him she is a virgin, that she has saved herself for him. He gets flustered and doesn't know what to do, so he gets up and goes back home to...

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

A couple of hunters go out into an unfamiliar woods.

They're stopped by the Game Warden who asks them, "I don't recognize you fellers from around here. Do you boys know your way around these here woods?"

"Well no, but we can find our way out after we get our deer."

"Okay, but if you do happen to get lost, just fire 3 shots in the air. Th...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

So I met a lumber jack in a pub last night.

Great feller

A man walks into John's stable

The man asks, "I'm looking for a fast horse." John, without missing a beat, walks over to one of the horses and says, "this here horse's name is ol' Betsy, she was trained by an interesting feller." The man asks to explain. "Well, to get her to stop, you need to say hey hey! To get her to go, you ne...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

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A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard.

The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us ...

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Old Joe

A cowboy walks into a saloon looking for a good time.

"You got any women around here?" He asks.

"Nope," the bartender replies, "But we've got Old Joe in the back." He motions to a donkey outside.

The cowboy shakes his head and scoffs, "I ain't into that shit." He drinks his whis...

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

Two Irishmen are looking for work

They see a sign for work that says, "Tree Fellers wanted." Pat turns to Murphy and says, "If only Shamus were here, we'd a got the job!"

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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground...

They approached it and are amazed by the depth of it. The first Hunter says, "Wow,that's some whole.I can't even see the bottom.Must be an old mine shaft. I wonder how deep it is."


The second Hunter says,"Well,let's grab that old transmission over there and throw it down in the hole and w...

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On Wild West, an outlaw tells to his buddy

\- Hey, Jack, you see that fellow on a cliff?

\- But there's two of them, - his buddy replies.

\- Well, one on a horse.

\- But they're both are riding, John.

\- One in a hat!

\- They're both in hats!

\- Well shit, - he pulls a pistol and shoots, - Well y...

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

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My dad's favorite

This feller from up North decides that he wants to retire to the farm life, so he hops on the bus, and rides down to Tennessee. After getting off of the bus, he takes off walking down a country road. He comes across an old man selling rabbits and says, "I'd like to buy one of your finest rabbits, pl...

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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

A tale of two rednecks

Two rednecks live on either side of a river. One named Billy, the other named Clarence. Well, every day the both go to the bank on their side of the river and yell insults at each other. One day, a construction company moves in a builds a bridge accross the river. Billy wakes up one morning and sees...

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Two brothers travel across country.

Two brothers Jon and Dave from Newfoundland (Island off the east coast of Canada) decide to travel to Alberta to find work. The day they were ready to leave Dave began to have second thoughts.

Dave: “what’s wrong?”

Jon: “ I don’t think I can go, I’ll miss the ocean to much, get homesi...

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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.

“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might...

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A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie h...

What do you call a man who cuts down trees?

A tree feller.

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

Two Irish fellas, Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"

Paddy says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".

A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room ...

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Sven and Ole

Sven is sitting on his porch one day, enjoying the morning Norwegian frosted air, when he sees his neighbor Ole coming down the road.

Ole has his hands lightly cupped together as if he's holding a delicate insect from escaping.

Sven pipes up and hollars "G'mornin Ole! what's that ya go...

It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own.

It usually takes tree fellers or more.

A newly assigned DEA officer is out to make a good impression.

He pulls up to a ranch in Oklahoma, and gets out to find the rancher. He says to the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The officer calmly replied, "Si...

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Two cowboys...

Two cowboys are riding along when they spot an indian lying on the ground in the distance. The first cowboy turns to the second and says "what the hell do you think he is doing?". The second cowboy turns to him and says "he is listening. You see these here indian fellers put an ear to the ground ...

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Cowboy

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire.
As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.
He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered,
“Hey, you! Get off t...

Two Irish woodsmen are looking for a job.

"Look here Gary. It says, 'Builders wanted'. But we're not builders!"
"What about that one?"
"It says, 'Looking for Painters'."
"But we don't paint!"
"Times are tough eh? Here's one last job offer; it says, 'Looking for Tree Fellers'."
"But, there's only two of us!"

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The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but...

An 80 year old man goes for his annual checkup

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked him how he knew that.

"Wh...

Two Irish men are looking for work

Walking down the street, Paddy spots an advert in a shop window.

Paddy says: “Would you look at that, Murphy! Tree fellers wanted, apply within!”

Murphy reads the add carefully and responds: “Aye Paddy, tis a crying shame there’s only two of us!”

A frisky couple are speeding down the highway one day...

The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.

...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a small boat

They drift for days. One day a lamp floats up and the one feller picks it up and gives it a rub. A Gennie pops out and says "Thank you for waking me, you get 1 wish." The Irishmen blurts out without thinking "I wish the whole fookin ocean was made of whiskey!!" Boom the water turns to smooth Iri...

An American bloke goes on holiday to England.

On his return, he's telling his pal all about it.

"I was coming out of a shop one day and it was raining hard outside, so I took shelter in a doorway.

Another feller was sheltering too, and he turned to me and he said, "Nice weather". Well, of course it wasn't nice weather at all. In...

These two old boys, Levi and Cleetus, decided to go hunting.

Well, their hunt took them two or three ridges from home and before they knew it they had gotten themselves good and lost. After spending half the day trying to figure out which way was home, Levi, being the brighter of the two, says to his hunting companion, "Cleetus, I seem to recollect that if a ...

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Two men arguing

There was two men one named bill , the other clarence . they lived on opposite sides of a river . Neither of the men could swim , and each day they would stand on opposite sides of the river cursing at each other . Bill would always say if I could swim I would come over there an kick your butt . Thi...

Curtis & Leroy

saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy repli...

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