My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes

I texted her "Oh Pun the door"

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

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Justice is best served cold

Coz if it were warm, it’d be Justwater.

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks Dad.
Dad: No problem, Alan.

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Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

Why is Thor always showy?

Coz he doesn't like to be Loki...

Ambitious Johnny

Teacher: Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow old?

Little Johnny: Doctor !!

Teacher: Why?

Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

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Hey girl, are you from Iraq?

Coz you look Saddam fine when you Baghdad ass up.

When people question you on your financial status

Hey look.. I don't check my bank balance coz I don't need that negative energy in my life

I have attained nirvana

Why does Hungary not follow Buddhism?

Coz buda pest

Why is prostitution illegal?

Coz when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want any competition.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's candy,

But Jack got a shock

And a mouth full of cock

Coz Jill's real name was Randy.

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I asked my gf today...

Did you work at a chicken farm?

coz you know how to raise a cock

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

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Why shouldn't you fuck with Time ?

Coz he's relative

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

Do you know why, in France they only eat one egg for breakfast?

Coz it’s un oeuf.

Courtesy: The Trial Of The Chicago 7

Random thought

Pregnant horses can run faster, coz they have two horse power.

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

Four men were waiting in the hospital waiting room

because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You’re the father of twins."

"That’s odd," answers the man. "I work for 2Wire!" 

Another nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!"

"Th...

Boy: Why are girls so much hotter than boys?

Girl: Coz boys have two 5watt bulbs and one 40watt tube, whereas girls have two 500watt bulbs and one 3000watt oven.

Hey y'all, I tried my best to convert this from Hindi to English.

Wife and I were having an argument ..

Wife: You should listen to me.

Me: Oh yeah, why is that?

Wife: Coz I have ovaries!

Me: Is that why you Ovary Act?

My wife and I share a sense of humour...

Coz we have to...She doesn’t have one.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

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Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house?

Coz he got rid of all his hose.

Why is the US #1?

Coz most kids from public schools in the US can't count any further.

Question, why spongebob have many holes

Answer: coz squidward have 6 tentacles

You know why witches don't wear panties?

Coz they gotta grip the broom...

Why did the sperm cross the road...

Coz somebody wore the wrong socks today.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

I got turned on by Jennifer Lopez last night

That might be coz I’m a Fan

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Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

Dad and Dave were out plowing the fields one day when they took a break.

Dad says, "How come you left a patch over yonder there Dave?"
Dave replies, "Well dad, that there is sacred ground coz thats where I had my first one."
"Oh, your first one hey Dave?Ok. What about that other patch over yonder? Is that where you had your second one?"
"No", says Dave, "Thats w...

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

If you commit sin 90 times you are most likely to be caught half of the time

Coz sin 90=cot 45

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

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Why was the diamond so good at sex?

Coz diamonds last forever

Why does noone laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases have no reactions.

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

If I was an ant, where would I live?

In an engine, coz I'd be a coolant

Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes?

Coz it would crack them up.

Are you todays date?

'Coz you're 01/10.

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

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Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

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Who needs 100 rolls of toilet paper?

Overheard in a local supermarket parking lot:
*6 adults pass by pushing carts overloaded with toilet paper*
KID: Why do they need so much toilet paper daddy?
DAD: Coz they're assholes

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

Why should you not drink water during chemistry class?

Coz it decreases your concentration.

Why do they bury pikies/gypsies 12 ft under?

Coz deep down they're good people.

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

Why is darK spelled with 'K'and not with 'C'

Coz you cant 'C' in dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man cross the road?

Coz he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Ones that fall in the area 51 raid will be remembered.

Coz legends Nevada

Why is visiting Taj Mahal before you reach your destination a cure for erectile dysfunction?

Coz it forces you to take the via Agra route

No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)

This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.

"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"


Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "Th...

I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish?

Coz I was shooting star.

Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Coz people are dying to get in.

A husband and a wife go to a family court to get divorced

Judge: You’ve got three children, how do you intend to divide them?

After almost an hour of discussion the couple finally decided and said: we cannot obviously divide three equally amongst the two of us, so we’ll come next year after making another one.

The joke doesn’t end here folks ...

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Why are fishermen such wankers?

Coz they're master baiters.

(OC) My name is Stewart Peter. Some friends like to call me Stu

Some friends like to call me Pete.

But I hate it when we're all get together coz then they call me Stu Pete.

(OC, but English is not my first language).

Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

Why do gorilas have big nostrils ?

Coz they have big fingers...

Justice has been served!

There's been some scumbag called Callum known as cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turni...

A baby was born

A baby was born and minutes after he began to speak..."I am going to live only 4 days, my Mother will die in 6 days and my Father will die in 15 days..."

4 days later the boy died, after 6 days the Mother died. The Father was crazy coz the next one will be him. He sold everything and spent th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking.

I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung-Fu, Ju-Jitsu or Karate?"

He says "Why da fuk you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinese?"

"No" I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer!"

Fighting budgie (long)

This poor man walked into a pub, hoping that someone would buy him a free pint. He sat there for ages until someone finally came over and gave him a raffle ticket. The ticket was entered into a draw and he won a budgie in a massive cage. The poor man sat there and said to this guy "Now what the bloo...

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