Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

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In an alternate universe, the Japanese conquered Rome!

Now I have to read about the "Ancient RAMEN empire" in my history books.

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

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Me: I've finally conquered my fear of ghosts

Therapist: That's the spirit

Me: Oh fuck where?

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I just had sex with my girlfriend while dressed up as Julius Caesar

Not only did I came, but I saw, I conquered.

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When Hitler conquered Ukraine...

his soldiers sent back a message saying that the women were beautiful and enclosed a picture of them. Upon seeing this picture, Hitler declared that these women were honorary Aryans and demanded they bring back as many women as they could. When Hitler conquered Finland his soldiers sent back a messa...

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The reason the nazis never conquered Brazil

Because they all knew jew jitsu

What would Israel be called if it ever gets conquered?

Wasrael

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

Apple just announced three new products: a competitor to Fleshlight, a brand of eyeglasses, and a real-time strategy game.

iCame, iSaw, iConquered

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

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I Wrote This On The Toilet

Toss and turn I clench my cheeks,
I'm half awake and half asleep,
My stomach growls and up I sit,
To take my nightly sloppy shit

And as I stumble in the dark,
I concentrate lest I should fart,
For if I do disaster strikes,
I'll shit my pants in this cold night

A...

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

So, here's a story...

Once upon a time, there was a king.

The king ruled over a small kingdom he had inherited from his father.
The king was not a particularly bad ruler, considering.
However, one of the dukedoms his late father had conquered, started to plot against him, in order to liberate themselves from...

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

I came, I thaw, I conquered .

The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

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The tale of three friends

There were once three friends who were traveling along a lonely, winding road at twilight. In time, the friends reached a river too deep to wade through and too dangerous to swim across.. However, these friends were learned in the magical arts, and so the first friend waved his broken wand and made ...

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