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Dry Clean Jokes

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

Dry clean only?

I am the guy who needs his wife to help with the laundry.

I look at the tag on clothes, and I don't know what that stuff means.

Dry Clean Only ?????

Well yeah, I ain't gonna dry it dirty!

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

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Dry cleaning (long)

So this guy meets a mate after work for a "couple" of beers, on a pomise to his wife that he wont get too drunk. That plan obviously goes out the window and after a few too many he ends up throwIng up all down his shirt.

"Shit!" He says's, "I promised the wife I wouldn't get hammered tonight....

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The dry cleaning bill.

A businessman is drinking heavily in a bar and suddenly pukes all over himself.
He is really bummed out and mumbles his wife is going to kill him.
"No worries" says the bartender, "put a twenty in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife some other guy puked on you and gave you t...

Chinese brothers opened a dry cleaning service in town...

Two Wongs *can* make it white.

A woman went to the dry cleaners to clean a dress she was going to wear to a party in the evening

She walks in and gives the lady at the desk the dress and the woman walks out

“ come again” the lady at the desk says

The woman turns her back and looks at the lady at the desk and says “ no it was just toothpaste this time”

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A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?”

Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?

Man: No, mustard.

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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.

"What's up with this?"

"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."...

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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A man goes to the pub...

A man goes to the pub and gets incredibly drunk. He ends up being sick on himself and when he gets home, his wife is livid.



She tells him that this has happened too often and if he does it again, she will leave him.



The next night the man goes back to the pub, and it ha...

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

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Two guys are in a bar.

They’re smashed.
One guy throws up down himself and says oh shit, “my wife is going to kill me I was only meant to be having 2 beers”.
The other guy says, “no need to worry, put this twenty in your pocket and say someone threw up on you and he’s paid your dry cleaning bill”

Shocked by...

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

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A man's wife tells him "if you ever come back drunk again I'll leave you"

One night he goes out to a pub with a mate for a few drinks. They've both had a bit too much and eventually one of them is sick all over himself staining his shirt.

He's very embarrassed and exclaims to his friend "I can't go home looking like this. My wife will leave me!"

His friend c...

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.

Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throw...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Off the wagon

So this guy got sober for his wife...he was doing great...going on two years...one day he gets to work and there’s a pink slip waiting for him...on his way home he walks by his old bar and thinks fuck it...I’m gonna have one drink...he goes in and all his old buddies are there he has one drink and t...

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

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A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

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A man who's had a few too many

A man is out drinking most of the day and next thing he knows the night has really gotten away from him. He's so loaded he ends up puking on his shirt. He is telling the bartender that he doesn't know how he's going to tell his wife that he let himself get that drunk. The bartender tells him t...

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A man staggers home drunk at 2am to an irate wife.

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me....

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An alcoholic man promises his wife not to drink anymore...

**Just as a disclaimer**
I don't know whether this joke is original or not it was told to me by my grandfather and it's very possible he took the joke from someone but I can't really find out if he did or not.

The wife says 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if y...

An English gentleman’s wife told him “If you come home drunk once more I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night and drank so much that he vomited all over himself “My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he said. “I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”. “Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in wit...

A man went to a laundry service

He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.

As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"

He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"

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A man comes home really drunk

A man comes home really drunk, his wife has had enough of him this time and tells him that if he comes home in that state again she is leaving him. Anyway another week goes by and Friday comes round again, the man can't help himself he goes out and gets really drunk and pukes down his own shirt. He ...

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

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Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on ...

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

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A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that some...

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So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....

The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot ...

Three chinese men named Hu, Fu and Chu come to the USA to live the American Dream

Chu calls himself Chuck and opens a dry cleaning business.

Hu calls himself Huck and opens a dollar store.

Just Fu goes back to China disappointedly.

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A man goes to a party with his friends

He is having a good time and drinking shots. Halfway through the night he ends up throwing up on his shirt. He starts freaking out and says “guys, what the hell do I do. I told my wife that I would get to wild tonight and I can’t go home covered in puke”
One of his buddies tells him” that’s easy...

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

A Scotsman goes to London

One day, a Scotsman traveled to the big city. He was impressed by all of the shops, tall buildings, and the bustle of city life. At one point, he came upon a storefront with a sign that read:

-Shirts: £3
-Trousers: £5
-Suit Coats: £10

"O'ch, that's a screaming good deal!" the Sc...

Phonetical jokes

A lady comes to the dry cleaners with a shirt to be cleaned.

When she tells the worker what she needs, he says: ''Come again?''

She responds: ''No, It's mayonnaise today.''

Blonde at the Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes to the dry cleaner to have her sweater cleaned.

She asks the clerk, “How much?”

He doesn’t hear her and says, “Come again?”

She giggles and says, “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

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My grandfather's favorite joke

Two men are sitting at a bar one night, Danny and Jacob. Danny looks over to Jake and says "My wife is gonna kill me; i'm drunk as a skunk", Jake says "Ah! you're fine have another beer!" So Danny has another beer, and he ends up puking all over himself. Danny says "Ah look at me, i gone thrown up a...

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Two friends are drinking at a bar

They have been out all night and one of the guys has had a few too many. He tries to take one more shot but can’t handle it. He throws up all over himself and his new shirt that his wife had bought him.

He looks over to his friend and says, “My wife is going to kill me! I’ve gotta get outta ...

A man comes home from the pub....

...to his wife. He’s very drunk and she’s very annoyed. She says to him “if you go out again tomorrow and get drunk again I’m leaving you...”

Next day, the man goes to the pub and says to his friends “if I get drunk tonight and go home the wife will leave me so I can’t get drunk”.

Nee...

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A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it.

John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket.

His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, "John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."

John nods his he...

A man comes home from a hard days work

And says to his wife "there's no food ready on the table! That's the third time this week! We need to have a talk!"

The wife says "you know what, I wake up at 5:30 in the morning, make your lunch, make breakfast, get the kids ready for school, take them to school, come back home, clean the ho...

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"No, Dave, you're not going down the pub tonight!"

Dave: "I'll be fine. Don't worry"

Mary: "Every time you go to the pub you get too pissed and you're sick on yourself"

Dave: "Don't worry, I'm only going for one. I promise."


...

So Dave is 4 drinks in and he tells the lads he has to leave.

Dave: "You know why. ...

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Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her...

recently re-relevant

So Monica Lewinsy rushes into the dry cleaner with a blue dress clutched in her hand. Recognizing the man behind the counter, she says "I need this dress cleaned right away." Realizing that he has been spoken to, but not certain what was said, the dry cleaner responds "Come again?"

No, say...

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A man is sitting at a bar, doing some heavy drinking...

He decides to take one last shot before going home. The shot doesn't sit too well with him; he gets queasy, and proceeds to vomit on his shirt.

"Fuck!" Says the dude. "My wife is gonna be so pissed that I came home covered in puke."

Thinking quickly, the bartender stuffs a five in his ...

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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows. He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit. He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes. His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that ...

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A man's wife is going to kick him out of the house for drinking too much.

Joe and his friends frequent one bar in town a lot and his wife hates it. She thinks he drinks entirely too much and it is causing a problem in their marriage . After one particularly long bender Joe ends up puking all over himself before he stumbles back home.


Joe wakes up to his wife sc...

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The Shoemaker

When my grandma lost mobility, I would drop by more and more frequently to run errands and do chores for her. Drop off the dry cleaning, rake the front lawn, that kind of stuff. Well, I was cleaning out her attic for her one day and I found this old army uniform and took it down, I said hey grandma,...

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So a man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar after work, and starts his usual routine.
A few too many beers in the man starts to feel queesy, and a moment later throws up on his work shirt.

"Goddamnit! Not again. My wife is going to kill me!"

"Whats the problem?" asks the bartender.

"My wife....

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?" Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?"
The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, i...

Sorry wait for 9 months

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, ...

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