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Immaculate Jokes

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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Sister Immaculate

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey penguins, show us your boobs!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross...

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If a virgin conceiving is called an immaculate conception...

Is a virgin catching venereal disease called an immaculate infection???

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Why are the gardens of Pyongyang so immaculate?

Because they have a supreme weeder.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

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A rabbit and a bear go to take a shit in the woods of wonderland…

The rabbit “a bit intimidated by the large bear” offers him one of his extra mushrooms that the large bear gladly accepts. The rabbit then looks at the bear and says hey - “does shit stick to your fur?” The bear “munching on the shrooms and shrinking” says - Hell no, my fur is immaculate”. The rabbi...

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This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone.

Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 buck...

How do you start a religion?

Step 1: Get knocked up.

Step 2: Call it an "immaculate conception".

Step 3: Prophet.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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What do you call an STI that you get without having sex?

Immaculate infection

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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

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Three nuns die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and tells them that they’ll have to each answer a question about the Bible before being allowed into heaven.

“Sister, tell me, what is the holy trinity?” he asks the first nun.

The first nun answers “The father, the son and the Holy Ghost”. <...

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"Should we get the Virgin WiFi?"

Asked God before the immaculate connection.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

There's an angel stuck in my T.V. antenna...

At least I have immaculate reception.

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I bet the Whitehouse cleaning staff is happy that Trump is in office,

the toilets must be immaculate since all his shit comes out his mouth.

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

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Three nuns

Three nuns, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.

Priest said to them : I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I ...

A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window...

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get ...

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Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.

The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."

The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in fron...

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

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What do you call a urinary tract infection caused in a virgin?

Immaculate Infection

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

Three men were married to girls from different parts of the world.

The first man married a girl from Sweden. He told her that she must do the housework. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see the house clean.

The second man married a girl from Thailand. He told her that she must do the housework and have his dinner fixed promptly...

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

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The town busy-body is curious about the local minister and his beautiful young housekeeper...

The talk is that they're having a secret affair, but nobody can prove it.

So Mildred goes to dinner one night to investigate. The house is immaculately clean, and everything seems above board. There is absolutely nothing suspicious going on. The two of them even have separate bedrooms on opp...

Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish." One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this me...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

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Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

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The team lines up on the platform...

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6 --
5 --
...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are on a plane that is about to crash...

And the pilot comes over the intercom saying if they want any chance of living they better chuck as much excess weight off the plane to help with the emergency landing.

The English man picks up his prize collection of rare novels and with a heavy heart chucks it out the plane.

The Sco...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

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Husband takes a break from his wife.

A wife and her husband were having marital problems. She wanted a better relationship than he was providing. He was always tired and sat on the couch watching tv. He was not interested in having sex, doing yard work or much of anything.

She made an appointment for him to see a doctor. ...

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