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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

(NSFW) How is Santa Claus similar to Bill Cosby?

They won't come unless you're asleep.

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What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

When I was a kid, I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that nonsense any more, thank God.

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

Santa Claus is a douchebag...

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

Why is Mrs. Claus so excited during Christmas?

Santa Claus comes only once a Year

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-ho-ho job.

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans?

Hoe hoe hoe

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

What's Mrs.Claus's favourite Christmas song?

Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane!

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

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Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant?

Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

Claustrophobic?

Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

Some kids are afraid of Santa.

They suffer from Claus-trophobia.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

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I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

Santa goes to the dentist...

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

A plumber, Santa clause and a smart blonde are in an elevator with a dog

The dog gets killed, who did it?

The plumber. Santa clause and smart blondes don’t exist.

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