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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Spiderman, Santa Claus, and one of the talented members of Nickelback are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill. Who gets the bill?

Spiderman because there’s no such thing as Santa and there’s no such thing as a talented member of Nickelback

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

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What’s the difference between Jews and Santa Claus?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

Why does santa claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year

Confession: I believed in Santa Claus until I was 15.

I cringe at my stupidity looking back, but fortunately I've come to my senses and don't believe in silly fairy tales anymore, thank God.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?

It looks like rain, dear.

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Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

How does Santa Claus know if every child is naughty or nice?

He's omnipresent.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho’s

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant?

Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause.

What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Santa Claus decided to buy a car to keep up with modern times

He got Hohoho-honda

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

A plumber, Santa clause and a smart blonde are in an elevator with a dog

The dog gets killed, who did it?

The plumber. Santa clause and smart blondes don’t exist.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

How does Santa Claus get so much work done on Christmas Eve?

He sleighs all day.

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a hobo are walking down the street when they simutaneously see a $100 bill. Who gets it?

The hobo. The rest are mythical creatures.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back.

"Ok, send me your mother."

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

How do you call someone who is afraid of santa claus?

Claustrophobic

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Why don't Jews celebrate December 25th?

They don't believe Santa Claus Israel

What do you call your kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

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