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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?

Because he comes once a year, and is down your chimney.

What do you call a Santa Claus that goes both ways?

Bi-polar.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep!

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

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What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

- removed -

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-ho-ho job.

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

What does Santa say when he finds out about Mrs. Claus's Only fans?

Hoe hoe hoe

What's Mrs.Claus's favourite Christmas song?

Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane!

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

What kind of chips do Mrs. and Mr. Clause eat?

Kringle cut!

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

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Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

What does Santa Claus do when Ms. Claus isn't home?

Ho Ho Hoes

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant?

Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause.

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

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Long ago, Santa had no enemies...until he heard Mrs Claus moaning in the bedroom.

Cocking his shotgun, he thought, *Now I know why they called you Krampus.*

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

Santa Claus decided to buy a car to keep up with modern times

He got Hohoho-honda

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

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