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Claus Jokes

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”



Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”


“What about Donner?” the child asked.


A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfal...

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

There are four stages in your life involving Santa Claus.

First you believe in Santa Claus, then you don't believe in Santa Claus, then you are Santa Claus to your family, and then you look like Santa Claus.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after three Hoes

What do you call a Santa Claus who cannot afford to give gifts?

Saint Nickelless.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

I can relate to Santa Claus...

I'm old
I'm fat
And no one believes in me

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

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A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by the KGB

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl...

What does Mrs Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A mistletoe.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

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Santa and Mrs. Clause

Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn't been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they have had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife .

That ...

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Christmas was coming, so Little Johnny's mom and dad took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa's lap.

"Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn baseball bat and I want it to be put under my fucking bed. I want a goddamn baseball glove and want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a fucking bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp ...

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?

You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide?

It was too cold out Tide.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

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Santa Claus breaks down in the hood

So, one Christmas Santa Claus's sleigh broke down in the hood, around a bunch of hookers, and Santa Claus got knocked the fuck out, and the cops rolled up and asked what happened, and the hooker said, ain't nobody gonna be callin me a hoe 3 times

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no ...

Ladies! Please stop asking Santa Claus for the perfect man!

I almost got kidnapped 3 times today!

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

What do you get when you imprison Santa Claus?

Nicholas Caged

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

Santa goes *down* the chimney.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Krampus?

Santa comes once a year and loves everyone, the Krampus comes once a month and hates women.

I was chatting with my Finnish friend the other day...

I asked him where his favorite part of Finland was.

He said "Hyvä kysymys! I really like Rovaniemi for the Santa Claus Village!"

I asked him "Hyvä kysymys? What's that?"

All he said was "Good question!"

It's been a week and he still hasn't told me what it means.

(I...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

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What did Santa Clause say to three prostitutes?

Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-ho-ho job.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back.

"Ok, send me your mother."

How can Santa Claus possibly practice social distancing?

He stays at least 6 feet away from his HO HO HO’s!

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What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

Why does Santa Clause hate Darth Vader?

He's always feeling his presents.

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?

because Santa came early!



I'll let myself out.

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

I asked Santa Claus what three gifts he would like to share with his wife for Christmas, and all he said was a...

Ho Ho Ho.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

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Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

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