UPJOKE
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

I asked Santa Claus what three gifts he would like to share with his wife for Christmas, and all he said was a...

Ho Ho Ho.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

How are Santa Claus and Bill Cosby similar?

They only come when you’re asleep

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A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

What's the difference between a cat and a semicolon?

One is a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the ends of its paws.

Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus?

because he isreal

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Santa Claus breaks down in the hood

So, one Christmas Santa Claus's sleigh broke down in the hood, around a bunch of hookers, and Santa Claus got knocked the fuck out, and the cops rolled up and asked what happened, and the hooker said, ain't nobody gonna be callin me a hoe 3 times

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

A man’s wife asks why King Santa Claus runs their country?

He replies “Because he’s gotta reign dear”.

What do you get when you imprison Santa Claus?

Nicholas Caged

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa has only 3 hoes.



This is from my elementary school.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Krampus?

Santa comes once a year and loves everyone, the Krampus comes once a month and hates women.

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

What do you call a Santa Claus that goes both ways?

Bi-polar.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

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What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?

A Mistletoe

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-ho-ho job.

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

How can Santa Claus possibly practice social distancing?

He stays at least 6 feet away from his HO HO HO’s!

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

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Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant?

Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause.

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

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Long ago, Santa had no enemies...until he heard Mrs Claus moaning in the bedroom.

Cocking his shotgun, he thought, *Now I know why they called you Krampus.*

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

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"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no ...

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

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