Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Did Mrs. Claus File for Divorce?

Because Santa Only Cums Once a Year

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

I remember as a child my parents filling my head with nonsense such as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.

Now I dont believe in any of that made up rubbish, thank God.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after 3 hos

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes ones a year.

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

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John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

**A rebel without a Claus.**

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

I’m scared of Santa Claus

I’m intimidated by his presents.

So this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree...

Santa Claus was in a very bad mood. All the reindeer had colds,Rudolph's nose went out. The elves screwed up most of the toys. Mrs. Claus was nagging him and she burnt the Christmas cookies. Just when he hooks his brand new red suit on a nail hanging out of the wall he told an elf to pound in a wee...

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What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

Christmas is cancelled.

Santa has passed away by natural clauses.

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

My dad is like Santa Claus

He’s there when I’m young, but he disappears as I get older

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

If michael jackson was dressed as santa claus how would he get in your house?

Down the chimi-NE-HE!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back.

"Ok, send me your mother."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?

An independent clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

Little Known Story About Mr. and Mrs. Claus

Many years ago, Mrs. Claus had a love affair with Poseidon, God of The Sea. This affair lasted a long time and eventually led to a love child, which turned out to be a piece of sentient coral. Santa Claus found out about this child and was furious. Mrs. Claus decided to disown the child, and shamefu...

How do you identify a pregnant clause when editing writing?

It’s missing a period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and a drunk man are walking down a road. They see a coin on the floor. Who picks it up?

The drunk man. The other three are mythical creatures.

A little girl is visiting Santa Claus and asks for Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa, confused, replies "but doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
"No she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when she asked him why he wanted to go to a strip club?

Because I want to make it rain, dear.

What do you call a father that still believes in Santa Claus?

A Feliz Naive-dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus is delivering gifts on Xmas Eve

Santa Claus's delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. He hops down the chimney of one house and sees a bare naked lady. The naked lady isn't all that hot and precedes to ask santa if he'd stay awhile. Santa replies "ho ho ho got to go got to deliver the toys to all the kiddies you know" and goes up the c...

Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.


*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Santa Claus must be Asian..

That's why all of his toys say "Made in China."

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"

He replies, "With magic, of course!-

You want some magic?"

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