UPJOKE
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One 23rd of December, Santa's doorbell rings.

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a...

Why should you never punch a mall Santa?

Idk, security wouldn’t tell me

Why do Chinese children don't believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

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Why is Santa’s sack so full?

He only cums once a year.

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?

You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

Santa Jingle…

He's making a list.

He's checking it twice.

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide?

It was too cold out Tide.

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

Why did Santa get Herpes?

Too many hoe, hoe, hoes.

Why doesn't Santa have any children of his own?

Because he only comes once a year.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

From my 8-year-old: What does Santa say if you get too close to him with a cold?

You’re on the snotty list!

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
...

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

How was Santa's divorce like a run-on sentence?

It was two independent Clauses with nothing between them.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.



What were you thinking, you perv?!?

how much does santa pay for parking

Nothing it's on the house

What happened to the old mexican when he moved from Houston to Santa Fe?

He became a New Mexican

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

A little boy is born, and has only his head

He lives like this for years, until one Christmas, he finds a torso under the tree.

He says “Mom! Do you think next year Santa will bring me some arms?”

“He just might.” She replies.

The next year, sure enough, there’s a pair of arms under the tree.

Again the boy asks his...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

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Nobody's angry when Santa comes early

But when I do it, my wife is pissed!

I asked Santa Claus what three gifts he would like to share with his wife for Christmas, and all he said was a...

Ho Ho Ho.

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do you call a kid thats afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus’ ship Santa Maria were named Juan

That’s almost a three to Juan ratio.

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A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

This economy is so bad...

Santa had to drop 2 of his Hos

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

A guy dressed up in an elf suit walks into a bar

"Could you name all of Santa's reindeer?" he asks the bartender. "Oh my God!" the bartender said with tears in his eyes. "It would be an honor."

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

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Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

Dear Santa....

All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix it up like last year.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus?

because he isreal

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus won't let him in the back door.

How did you feel when Santa came for the first time?

How did you feel when he finished putting on his clothes afterwards?

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

One of Santa's reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner

Back then he was known as Private Dancer

Stressed Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus to...

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

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Santa Claus breaks down in the hood

So, one Christmas Santa Claus's sleigh broke down in the hood, around a bunch of hookers, and Santa Claus got knocked the fuck out, and the cops rolled up and asked what happened, and the hooker said, ain't nobody gonna be callin me a hoe 3 times

Santa only comes once a year

Man has god like stamina

What do you call Santa's assistant?

The subordinate Clause.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

What did the ram say to Santa?

All I want for Christmas is ewe.

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

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Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

Santa is real

Who else but Santa would buy you all that stuff while you are drunk?

How may reindeer does Santa have?

2, Rudolph and Olive the other reindeer

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa has only 3 hoes.



This is from my elementary school.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Krampus?

Santa comes once a year and loves everyone, the Krampus comes once a month and hates women.

A man’s wife asks why King Santa Claus runs their country?

He replies “Because he’s gotta reign dear”.

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

Why doesn’t Santa get something for the child who believes in nothing?

Because they’re on the nihilist.

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

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Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?

Because they had low elf-esteem.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Last christmas Santa got me a sweater.

This year I’ve asked for a screamer instead.

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.

Will Santa bring me a PS5 for Christmas?

I really could use another to scalp online for profit.

Which of Santa's reindeer is the most important this year?

Vaxen

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters?

Because he is Nicholas.

Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

Santa, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the sidewalk. Who picks it up?

The drunk of course. The other three are imaginary.

What does St. Nicholas call his suits?

His Santa Clothes.


Where does he store his suits?

In his Klaus-et.

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like the Santa, Tooth fairy and Easter Bunny

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Santa’s reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation.

The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

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Santa & Preeto on a farm!

Santa Singh and his wife Preeto were living in Assam on a farm up in the hills.


One day, Santa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Preeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.


Preeto says, "Why don't you go...

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

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What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

Santa won't be the only one coming tonight

although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.

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Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

What does Santa have in common with a stuttering pimp?

They both say Ho Ho Ho.

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