The 108+ Best Santa Jokes

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Wel...

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

Which one of Santa's reindeer do dinosaurs like the least?

Comet.

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.

(Compliments of my 7 year old son)

Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

What ethnicity is Santa?

North Poleish

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

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Did Santa bring that to you

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that ...

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney!

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

Why was Santa hacked?

Because he accepts all the cookies.

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift ...

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

Santa is nearby...

I can sense his presents

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after three Hoes

What do you call a kid thats afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

Why did the police department raid Santa's workshop?

They had probable Clause

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”

Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”

“What about Donner?” the child asked.

A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfal...

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by the KGB

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl...

I can relate to Santa Claus...

I'm old
I'm fat
And no one believes in me

Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.

After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.

Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.

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Santa and Mrs. Clause

Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn't been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they have had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife .

That ...

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

Santa Jingle…

He's making a list.

He's checking it twice.

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

What type of music does Santa’s elves listen to while working?

Rap music.

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Why is Santa’s sack so full?

He only cums once a year.

Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.

What does Santa say when he visits good pirates?

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!!

Made this one up when I was 5 or 6 and I’m still getting mileage out of it 30+ years later

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?

You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

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A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
...

One 23rd of December, Santa's doorbell rings.

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a...

I’ve decided to make it easy on Santa this year.

Only thing I’m asking for is one of the women on his naughty list.

I asked Santa What he wanted for Christmas

He said, "I would like a gift from your Mother"

I asked why and all he said was "Ho Ho Ho"

I have a lot to unpack here.

Why was Santa looking to buy a doe with a high libido?

He wanted to get more bang for his buck.

Jeff Bezos is just a bad Santa.

He has drones, our addresses and our wishlist, yet he refuses to do his duty.

Why was Santa so hesitant about Rudolph flying his sleigh?

Because Rudy was lit.

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, ...

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

Did you know Santa was born in Gdansk?

He's North Polish

What does Santa use to clean his suit for Christmas?

YuleTide.

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide?

It was too cold out Tide.

Why did Santa get Herpes?

Too many hoe, hoe, hoes.

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

From my 8-year-old: What does Santa say if you get too close to him with a cold?

You’re on the snotty list!

Santa gets around a lot just like Ludacris.

He ho ho ho's in different area codes.

To raise a philosopher, instead of maintaining their belief that Santa is real,

explain to the child they are not real instead.

Why is Santa called "Santa" and not "Slanta"?

Noel.

Gulaf meets Santa

It’s Christmas eve and little Gulaf Bistrolovich of a mere seven years old is too excited to sleep. He cannot wait for Christmas morning to come. Just when he’s finally about to sleep he hears a clatter on the roof. He bolts out of bed and runs to the living room.

“Santa! You’re here!”
...

What weapon does Santa have?

Ballistic mistletoe

What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?

They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.

Why did Santa's wife cheat on him?

Because she's a hoe hoe hoe

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.

What were you thinking, you perv?!?

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

What happened to the old mexican when he moved from Houston to Santa Fe?

He became a New Mexican

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Did you guys hear about the elf who got tangled up in sleigh bells on his way back to Santa's workshop?

They said he jingled all the way.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What are Santa's favorite kind of potato chips?

Crisp Pringles

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

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Nobody's angry when Santa comes early

But when I do it, my wife is pissed!

How was Santa's divorce like a run-on sentence?

It was two independent Clauses with nothing between them.

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus’ ship Santa Maria were named Juan

That’s almost a three to Juan ratio.

How did you feel when Santa came for the first time?

How did you feel when he finished putting on his clothes afterwards?

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

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What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...

I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

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Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

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