This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Why is Santa's sack so big?

because he comes only once a year.

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

Santa won't be the only one coming tonight

although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.

Why doesn't santa have any children?

Cos he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

What's Santa's nationality?

North Polish.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

(NSFW) How is Santa Claus similar to Bill Cosby?

They won't come unless you're asleep.

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

Who does Santa listen to when he's out riding in his sleigh?

Elfis Presently

How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh?

Nothing- It's on the house

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Did you know Santa has only two reindeer?

Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time

She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flat earther as your Secret Santa

A bunch of employees participate in the annual Secret Santa exchange. They all draw a name from the hat. They all say what they want as presents.

A woman stands up and jokingly says “I want a bra for my big globes.”

A man in a serious manner replies “I’ll get you a boob job instead.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

Who's Santas favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley !

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

Why does Santa use elves?

the south lost

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole?

Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

Santa Claus is a douchebag...

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

You can be your own secret santa!

All you need is ambien and amazon.

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

What is Santa’s favorite Christmas Song?

Area Codes by Ludacris

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

Why did Santa's wife leave him?

He was an alcohohoholic.

Why didn't A,B,C and D get gifts from Santa?

Cause they were notE.

What do youcall a broke santa?

Saint nickel less

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air?

He wanted to back up to the cloud!

What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance?

Make it reindeer!

- Credit to my brother

Santa and Banta went fishing.

They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

Santa: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

Banta: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

Santa: You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not get a gift from Santa

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas pudding with their loved ones.

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas tree in their homes.

This is not a message from red cross or salvation army. 20% of children born in London ar...

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

Some kids are afraid of Santa.

They suffer from Claus-trophobia.

Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together?

Because they have herd immunity.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

How do we know Santa has been bad this year?

Because he accepts all cookie requests on his browser.

What is Santa’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

What do you call a rockstar that works for Santa and has pointed ears?

Elves Presley

Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich?

He wanted jingle down economics to take place

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

Who’s Santa’s favourite musician?

Elfis

Santa goes to the dentist...

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unexpected surprise for Santa

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa’s gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you k...

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

What's the difference between Santa and a pimp

Santa stopped after his 3rd hoe

What does Amber Heard and Santa have in common?

Hoe hoe hoe

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins?

Santa Claus comes once a year

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

How does Santa greet Charlie's Angels?

Ho ho ho

"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother.

"But at least I do not have Leukemia"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.