This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise!!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

The direction in the chimney.

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

Why is Santa’s sack so big ?

Because he only comes once a year .

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?

I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

What's Santa's race?

North Polish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Why is Santa Claus always jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come when you're sleeping.

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?




The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did Santa Get you that?

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl riding her bike “Did Santa give you that?” “Yes,” she replies.

“Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you tha...

What did Santa say when he caught his wife in bed with another guy?

Hoe hoe hoe!

Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.


Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?

Kohl’s

Why do Santa and Mrs. Clause not have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and, when he does it's in the chimney.

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

Why do kids get excited for Santa and not Jesus on his birthday?

Santa brings ipads, Jesus brings armageddon. Seems simple.

Christmas joke

Little Johnny writes a letter to Santa and says “santa can you bring me a baby brother” santa writes back “ hi little Johnny, can you send me your mother”

I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

What do you call someone thats afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I am Santa.

1. I eat other peoples food if left unnattended.


2. I come once a year.


3. I have a heavy sack.


4. I am a fat fuck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?

COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

It must be hard being Santa...

He only gets to come once a year.

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

I’m scared of Santa Claus

I’m intimidated by his presents.

What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction?

Cirque du Sleigh

Why are Santa's cheecks always so red?

Your cheecks would be red too if you threw your sack over your shoulder.

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

Wht do you get when you cross anti-vaxxers and Santa?

Make-a-wish

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

What do Santa and my creepy neighbor Chad have in common?

They both see me when I’m sleeping

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?

Mithreindeer

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!




I’m sorry I need help.

What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

My dad told me Santa wasn't real when I was 10

Jokes on him. Guess who I just saw at the mall.

What makes Santa go "ho ho ho"?

Your mom.

Why was Santa's helper sad?

He had low elf-esteem.

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...




Source: Kinda Funny Forums

What will Santa get me this Christmas?

When I was little, I asked my dad "What will Santa get me this Christmas?" My father replied, "Don't think about getting. Think about giving!" So I said, "OK, what will Santa give me this Christmas?"

A wimpy kid wears a Santa hat to school.

All the girls are giggling and talking to him, he's in heaven!

Then the school bully, jealous of the attention, snatches the hat and says , " You don't care if I wear this, do you?"

The kid says " Do you have head lice?"

"No!" says the bully.

" Well you do now! Merry Chri...

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

How did Santa put out a fire?

He used the ho ho hos.

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three ho’s

What is Santa's favorite metal band?

Sleigher

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing, it's on the house!

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Santa Claus and Mrs Claus were sitting inside on their table

They then suddenly heard something on their roof. Mrs Claus asks "Is that just snow falling on the roof" Santa replies telling Mrs Claus "No it's rain, dear"

(Not sure if this joke has been posted already, just heard it today from a 60yr old)

What is Santa's favourite kind of music?

Wrap music.

What is Santa's favorite US state?

Idaho-ho-ho!

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses

Why does Hitler like being on Santa's naughty list?

Because those ovens aren't going to run without a source of fuel!

Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?

He prefers non-deery creamer.

Which of Santa's reindeer has the worst manners?

RUDE-olph, of course!

Santa doesn't just kill his enemies.

He sleighs them.

What do you call Santa's most impolite reindeer?

Rudeolph

What do you call someone who isn't sure if Santa Claus is real?

An eggnogstic.

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

Why didn't the cops save Santa from the Chimney?

They're Claustrophobic.

Why is Santa’s workshop the best place for parties?

Because everyone's into Lapp dancing.

I came across my friend who was working as a mall santa

I had to help him wipe it off before his shift started.