What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

I am so excited about Christmas. The best part is staying up late waiting for Santa to come!

But than there is always that awkward silence as he gets dressed and leaves...

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

Why is Santa’s sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

Why does Santa use elves?

the south lost

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

Santa Claus is a douchebag...

He made my wife sit on his lap, asked if she’s been naughty this year then laughed and repeatedly called her a ho.

Why don’t Santa have children?

Because he only gets to come once a year and that’s down a chimney.

I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come...

I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.

You can be your own secret santa!

All you need is ambien and amazon.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus!

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Why did Santa's wife leave him?

He was an alcohohoholic.

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

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What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

Who’s Santa’s favourite musician?

Elfis

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Why don't Chinese Kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

What did Santa say when he mistakenly went down the chimney of a brothel?

Ho, ho, ho

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

Santa goes to the dentist...

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

What does Amber Heard and Santa have in common?

Hoe hoe hoe

The best thing you could ask Santa in 2021...

...is mercy.

What's the difference between Santa and a pimp

Santa stopped after his 3rd hoe

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Johnny Sins?

Santa Claus comes once a year

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

I stopped believing in Santa after they said he lived in the North Pole

Like how can someone as fat as Santa live inside something as thin as a pole? I don't even think they were trying.

whats the difference between Chris Rock and Santa.

Santa stops at 3 hoes

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When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

"I got everything I ever wanted for Christmas, and Santa brought you nothing!!" said little Sam to his elder brother.

"But at least I do not have Leukemia"

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

Why did Santa hire Toto to fix his sleigh?

They blessed the reins.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

What’s does Santa and my girlfriend both have in common?

They both don’t exist.

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

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I sometimes wonder what Santa’s sex life is like

I mean he’s only supposed to come once a year.

Santa.

I'm a judge. I strive to bring justice and make things fair.

I realised recently that Santa always gives others gifts but he gets nothing in return.

So next Christmas I gave him a couple years in jail for mutliple cases of breaking and entering.

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

Why is Santa's parking always free?

Because it's always ON THE HOUSE!!!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

What goes oh, oh, oh?

Santa walking backwards.

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I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

I remember the Christmas I found out Santa wasn't real.

I wish somebody had warned me because my kids were really disappointed.

We'll receive our Christmas presents on the 8th of Jan

Coz Santa needs to quarantine for 14 days.

At this time of year, let's remember the dyslexic devil worshipper

who sold his soul to Santa.

what did the reindeer say when santa told him a funny joke

You sleigh me

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

Redditors are the anti-Santa.

When someone says something naughty, we say, “nice”.

Why does Santa only come around once a year?

He's locked up for breaking and entering the rest of the year.

What's Mrs.Claus's favourite Christmas song?

Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's Santa's rudest elf?

Gofuckyours elf.

How are they killing Covid in the North Pole?

Santa-tizing

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

There was this dyslexic who kept accidentally praying to his dog.

One day, he got so frustrated with it that he sold his soul to Santa.

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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