There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?

Because he comes once a year, and is down your chimney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Why don’t Asian kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

What does Santa say when he finds that his wife is cheating?

>!HOE HOE HOE!!<

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep!

Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?"

Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

Southern santa be like,

Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

Santa won't be the only one coming tonight

although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.

What's Santa's nationality?

North Polish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

Who does Santa listen to when he's out riding in his sleigh?

Elfis Presently

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet?

O, O, O!

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

Santa gives humpty presents

Why did santa gave humpty a present

Cause he is a good egg

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time

She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Why does Santa use elves?

the south lost

Did you know Santa has only two reindeer?

Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

You can be your own secret santa!

All you need is ambien and amazon.

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come...

I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

Who's Santas favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley !

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

What number does Santa always keep on his nice list?

69

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air?

He wanted to back up to the cloud!

Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole?

Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes.

Why did Santa's wife leave him?

He was an alcohohoholic.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flat earther as your Secret Santa

A bunch of employees participate in the annual Secret Santa exchange. They all draw a name from the hat. They all say what they want as presents.

A woman stands up and jokingly says “I want a bra for my big globes.”

A man in a serious manner replies “I’ll get you a boob job instead.”

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

What do youcall a broke santa?

Saint nickel less

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

Why didn't A,B,C and D get gifts from Santa?

Cause they were notE.

Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to spend Christmas together?

Because they have herd immunity.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

Some kids are afraid of Santa.

They suffer from Claus-trophobia.

What did Santa say to his wife when she gave him a private dance?

Make it reindeer!

- Credit to my brother

Santa and Banta went fishing.

They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

Santa: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

Banta: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

Santa: You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?

What is Santa’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

How do we know Santa has been bad this year?

Because he accepts all cookie requests on his browser.

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not get a gift from Santa

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas pudding with their loved ones.

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas tree in their homes.

This is not a message from red cross or salvation army. 20% of children born in London ar...

Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships?

Bros before hos

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.

Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich?

He wanted jingle down economics to take place

What's Santa's blood type?

Be positive.

This year, thousands of children made Santa's Naughty List. How many children made the Nice List?

69,420

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

Who’s Santa’s favourite musician?

Elfis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.