Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

How much does it cost Santa to park?

Nothing. It's on the house

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

Dear Santa....

All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix it up like last year.

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

How do you know Santa is a furry?

He uses a team of reindeer to help him empty his sack

Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

Santa, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the sidewalk. Who picks it up?

The drunk of course. The other three are imaginary.

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters?

Because he is Nicholas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa & Preeto on a farm!

Santa Singh and his wife Preeto were living in Assam on a farm up in the hills.


One day, Santa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Preeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.


Preeto says, "Why don't you go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

Last christmas Santa got me a sweater.

This year I’ve asked for a screamer instead.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

What does Santa have in common with a stuttering pimp?

They both say Ho Ho Ho.

Why was the floor of the fireplace sticky on Christmas morning?

Because Santa Claus came down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

What do you call a Santa Claus that goes both ways?

Bi-polar.

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

Why is Santa sad 364 days a year

Because Santa comes but once a year

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

Bad Santa

I just found out that I am dyslexic. No wonder I didn't get hits for Christmas.

What does Santa say when he finds that his wife is cheating?

>!HOE HOE HOE!!<

Kid: "Santa why do you have such a huge bag?"

Santa: "Cos I Only come once a year"

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

A young boy asked his dad “why does Santa only visit once a year?”

The dad replied “because he’s in jail the rest of the year for breaking and entering”.

What do we call a person who watches over kids while hiding in the shadows and sneaks in the kids room when the parents are asleep?

Santa Claus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

The Christmas Elf

A Christmas elf walks into a bar and orders an eggnog. "What brings you to town?" the bartender asks. "I'm taking music classes at the community college. Santa requires it of all the Christmas elves now," the elf says. "It's supposed to improve our rapping skills."

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

Southern santa be like,

Goodnight to y'all, and to y'all a good night

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

Christmas Letters To Santa

Who gets the Christmas letters to Santa from dyslexic children? Alas not Santa.

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

Santa won't be the only one coming tonight

although i'll probably stop after the first stocking is full.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

What's Santa's nationality?

North Polish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Mrs. Claus say when she and Santa are having sex?

Oh, oh, ohhhhhh!!!!!

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

Why do Chinese people like female Santa more?

Because Xi’s so perfect!

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

Why does Santa use elves?

the south lost

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

Who does Santa listen to when he's out riding in his sleigh?

Elfis Presently

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

What is Santa's favourite letter of the alphabet?

O, O, O!

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

You can be your own secret santa!

All you need is ambien and amazon.

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time

She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

How does Santa measure things?

In santameters.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Santa gives humpty presents

Why did santa gave humpty a present

Cause he is a good egg

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

Who's Santas favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley !

What number does Santa always keep on his nice list?

69

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

Why did Santa's wife leave him?

He was an alcohohoholic.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air?

He wanted to back up to the cloud!

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

Why does Santa have a brothel on the north pole?

Cause that's where he keeps his hoe hoe hoes.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Why did Mrs.Claus break up with Santa?

Because he kept calling her a hoe hoe hoe

What do youcall a broke santa?

Saint nickel less

What will Santa bring to naughty boys and girls this year

Coalrona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flat earther as your Secret Santa

A bunch of employees participate in the annual Secret Santa exchange. They all draw a name from the hat. They all say what they want as presents.

A woman stands up and jokingly says “I want a bra for my big globes.”

A man in a serious manner replies “I’ll get you a boob job instead.”

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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