I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once in a year

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?

He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses

So this is how gullible my best friend is, I told her to come quickly because Father Christmas was talking to Caitlin Jenner

She says, no, I don't believe you, Caitlin Jenner isn't real.

I cant believe she's 30 and still believes in Santa!

Why does santa carry such a large Sack

Well he does only come once a year.

Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He only 'comes' once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise!!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

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Why is santa so sexually frustrated?

He only comes once a year.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

What do you call a dating site for santas?

The semicolon, it connects independent clauses

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.


"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

The direction in the chimney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

What's Santa's race?

North Polish

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

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More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity


What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

Why is Santa Claus always jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?

The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains w...

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

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Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?

I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

What did Santa say when he caught his wife in bed with another guy?

Hoe hoe hoe!

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

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Did Santa Get you that?

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl riding her bike “Did Santa give you that?” “Yes,” she replies.

“Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you tha...

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?


Christmas joke

Little Johnny writes a letter to Santa and says “santa can you bring me a baby brother” santa writes back “ hi little Johnny, can you send me your mother”

I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!

Why do Santa and Mrs. Clause not have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and, when he does it's in the chimney.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?


Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.

Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I am Santa.

1. I eat other peoples food if left unnattended.

2. I come once a year.

3. I have a heavy sack.

4. I am a fat fuck.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?


What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?


How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.

"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"

The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"

"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

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"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

I’m scared of Santa Claus

I’m intimidated by his presents.

What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?



What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A Claus-trophobic.

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!

I’m sorry I need help.

Wht do you get when you cross anti-vaxxers and Santa?


Why are Santa's cheecks always so red?

Your cheecks would be red too if you threw your sack over your shoulder.

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction?

Cirque du Sleigh

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...

Source: Kinda Funny Forums

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

What is Santa's favorite metal band?


A wimpy kid wears a Santa hat to school.

All the girls are giggling and talking to him, he's in heaven!

Then the school bully, jealous of the attention, snatches the hat and says , " You don't care if I wear this, do you?"

The kid says " Do you have head lice?"

"No!" says the bully.

" Well you do now! Merry Chri...

Why was Santa's helper sad?

He had low elf-esteem.

What do Santa and my creepy neighbor Chad have in common?

They both see me when I’m sleeping

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

How did Santa put out a fire?

He used the ho ho hos.

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

My dad told me Santa wasn't real when I was 10

Jokes on him. Guess who I just saw at the mall.

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

What will Santa get me this Christmas?

When I was little, I asked my dad "What will Santa get me this Christmas?" My father replied, "Don't think about getting. Think about giving!" So I said, "OK, what will Santa give me this Christmas?"

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three ho’s

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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