My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

Why’s Santa’s sack so big?

‘Cause he only comes once a year.

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise!!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is santa so sexually frustrated?

He only comes once a year.

What do you call a dating site for santas?

The semicolon, it connects independent clauses

Epileptic Santa!

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.


What do married men and Santa Claus have in common?

They only come once a year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?

The direction in the chimney.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

What's Santa's race?

North Polish

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains.

“If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly rep...

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity


A perfect man, perfect woman and Santa get into a car...

As they’re driving on the road, they lose control, run off the road and into a tree. Only one of them survive though. Which one is it?

The answer is that Santa doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect man so the only one actually in the car was the woman. Which explains w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?

I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

Why is Santa Claus always jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas?

Because it soots him

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

Santa Claus and Karl Marx are pretty similar when you think about it.

They both have long beards, re distribute items for free, and we all stop believing in them at a young age.

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

What did Santa say when he caught his wife in bed with another guy?

Hoe hoe hoe!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did Santa Get you that?

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl riding her bike “Did Santa give you that?” “Yes,” she replies.

“Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year” and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you tha...

Where does Santa shop for the bad children?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been having sex with Santa...

I'm a Hohosexual.

Why do kids get excited for Santa and not Jesus on his birthday?

Santa brings ipads, Jesus brings armageddon. Seems simple.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

Why do Santa and Mrs. Clause not have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and, when he does it's in the chimney.

I organised a secret Santa at work

I put my name on 10 pieces of paper and everybody picked one. Can’t wait till Monday!

Christmas joke

Little Johnny writes a letter to Santa and says “santa can you bring me a baby brother” santa writes back “ hi little Johnny, can you send me your mother”

What do you call someone thats afraid of Santa?


Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.

Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?


My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I am Santa.

1. I eat other peoples food if left unnattended.

2. I come once a year.

3. I have a heavy sack.

4. I am a fat fuck.

Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.

"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"

The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"

"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful holla...

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?


Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?


How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

What did Santa bring to the potluck?

Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

I’m scared of Santa Claus

I’m intimidated by his presents.

What kind of truck does Santa drive?

A sleighteen wheeler

What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction?

Cirque du Sleigh

Wht do you get when you cross anti-vaxxers and Santa?


Why are Santa's cheecks always so red?

Your cheecks would be red too if you threw your sack over your shoulder.

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!

I’m sorry I need help.

What do Santa and my creepy neighbor Chad have in common?

They both see me when I’m sleeping

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride?


Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

Dear Santa,

Thank you so much for my new fap chair....

....or computer chair as they call them in Stores.

A wimpy kid wears a Santa hat to school.

All the girls are giggling and talking to him, he's in heaven!

Then the school bully, jealous of the attention, snatches the hat and says , " You don't care if I wear this, do you?"

The kid says " Do you have head lice?"

"No!" says the bully.

" Well you do now! Merry Chri...

My dad told me Santa wasn't real when I was 10

Jokes on him. Guess who I just saw at the mall.

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...

Source: Kinda Funny Forums

What is Santa's favorite metal band?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

Why was Santa's helper sad?

He had low elf-esteem.

How did Santa put out a fire?

He used the ho ho hos.

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses

what did Santa get Mrs. Claus for Christmas?

a pearl necklace 'cause she's a ho ho ho

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three ho’s

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

What is Santa's favorite US state?


What will Santa get me this Christmas?

When I was little, I asked my dad "What will Santa get me this Christmas?" My father replied, "Don't think about getting. Think about giving!" So I said, "OK, what will Santa give me this Christmas?"

Santa doesn't just kill his enemies.

He sleighs them.

Why doesn't Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?

He prefers non-deery creamer.

Why does Hitler like being on Santa's naughty list?

Because those ovens aren't going to run without a source of fuel!

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

What is Santa's favourite kind of music?

Wrap music.

What do you call Santa's most impolite reindeer?