Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

Why does santa claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year

Spiderman, Santa Claus, and one of the talented members of Nickelback are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill. Who gets the bill?

Spiderman because there’s no such thing as Santa and there’s no such thing as a talented member of Nickelback

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

Confession: I believed in Santa Claus until I was 15.

I cringe at my stupidity looking back, but fortunately I've come to my senses and don't believe in silly fairy tales anymore, thank God.

Redditors are the anti-Santa.

When someone says something naughty, we say, “nice”.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho’s

Why is Santa's parking always free?

Because it's always ON THE HOUSE!!!

What did santa say when he meets a cheating gf ?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

Why does Santa feel sad sometimes?

Low elf esteem...

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?

It looks like rain, dear.

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

As a kid I was told Santa would carry me away in his sack if I was naughty.

I guess this is how I got my claustrophobia.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa

Claustrophobic

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do you call your kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened when Santa got horny?

Cookies ‘n Cream

The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

What do you call santa when he takes a holiday to the beach

Sand-a

What is Santa's favorite computer task?

Clearing cookies!

How does Santa Claus know if every child is naughty or nice?

He's omnipresent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forget writing Santa asking for miracle...

...I'm writing Willy Wonka and asking for an Everlasting GOPstopper.

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

When Santa tries to sleep with other women . . .

He’s thinking with his South Pole

What do you call Santa after he declares bankruptcy?

Saint Nickeless

Heard about Cuban Santa?

He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...

What do you call Santa’s most attractive helper?

A MELF.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

*Subordinate Clauses.*

Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

Santa doesnt like normal girls.

He likes ho ho hoes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

What is Santa’s favorite band?

Sled Zeppelin

Why did Santa go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirits.

Please stop asking santa for the perfect man...

6 times he has tried to kidnap me already

Why doesn't Santa want to go down the chimney?

He has Santa Claustrophobia

Is it any wonder that Santa is so jolly?

**He knows where all the naughty girls live...**

Note: Not even remotely OC, I heard this years ago, but I've been surprised that everyone I've shared it with this week had never heard it, so I figured what the heck, I'll post it. So Merry Christmas everyone! Or Happy Holidays. Or Whatever Yo...

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

Santa walks into a bar and says, “HO HO HO!”

The bartender says, “oh sorry, we’re not that kind of establishment “

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it's on the house.

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.


Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

Do you think Santa wipes from the front or the back?

I don't know, but I bet he checks it twice.

Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed?

He had low elf esteem.

What do you call it when Santa doesn't bring you any gifts?

Hanukkah

Does santa really live in the North Pole?

Let's check the facts...

• Wears red and White
•Only works 1 day a year
•Breaks into all houses
•has a load of electronics
•Drives an unlicensed vehicle

After looking at all the evidence, Santa is a scouser

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson

Rudolph had to ask Santa why Dasher and Dancer are always taking coffee breaks?

Santa: Because those two are my star bucks.

Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant?

Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

What did Santa say when he visited the Kardashian sisters?

Ho, ho, ho.

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal.

He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

Santa’s Reindeer

Do you know the name of Santa’s other reindeer?

Olive.

“Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long ago, Santa had no enemies...until he heard Mrs Claus moaning in the bedroom.

Cocking his shotgun, he thought, *Now I know why they called you Krampus.*

When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting.

Good thing none of those things actually exist.

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

If Santa is half human, half kindly old elf who decides who's naughty or nice...

Does that make him an imp-partial judge?

Everybody wants to be like Santa

work one day of the year and spend the rest of the days judging people

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

Why was E the only letter to recieve presents from Santa?

Because all the other ones were not E.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a baby brother."

Santa replied,
"Send me your mother."

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

Do you know what you call Santa’s pets that always agree with him?

Yes deer.

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa leaves with their guys on Christmas?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

In North Pole, Santa broke his hip after tripping on one of his little helpers.

Said his wife: "You only have your elf to blame."

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