John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

In a protestant church

I saw a large metal contraption with smoke coming from it.
I asked "Is that an organ?"
They said "No, it's a catholic converter."

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A man’s dog dies

A man’s dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.

So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a funeral mass.

The priest said my son I can’t give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!

The man replies he’s been my companion for 18 years. I saw th...

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A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew are walking through Washington DC when they see a poster advertising an epic insult smackdown between all the living former US presidents.

"This looks like such a cool event!" says the Catholic. "I think Carter will win."

"I think the winner will be Clinton," says the Protestant, "with Obama at a close second."

"I'm...uh...not interested," says the Jew.

The other two are shocked. "Why not?" asks the Catholic.
...

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants...

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said....

"Stop, don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.


"Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Are you religious?"


He said: "Yes."


I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


"Christian."


"Me too. Are ...

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

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What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

So I just found out the Salvation Army is run by the Protestant church...

Talk about your worn again Christians...

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a white Protestant are in the waiting room of a maternity ward...

A nurse walks out and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies and they need the fathers' help to identify them.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few minutes later he returns with what is quite clearly a Mexican baby. When questioned b...

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A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew.

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microso...

What do you call a protestant in love?

A Popeless romantic.

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A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides...

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm an...

I don't have a Protestant work ethic...

I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work... but I do feel very guilty about it.

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[Long] A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying?...

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is the best

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.

"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"

Man: "I'm jewish!"

Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)

"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"

Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

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A Protestant, Jew, and Catholic....

A Protestant, Jew and Catholic are all outside one day talking about their offerings to the Lord and how each religion blesses God with their offerings. The talk gets heated and competition comes into play.

The Protestant runs and grabs all the offering money out of his church, draws a big...

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Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate

The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.

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A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a prostitute." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant preacher and a rabbi see a kid walking down the road.

The preaches says "Hey, look at the cute little kid!"
The priest says "Let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, confused, says "Out of what?"

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