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A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

What is the difference between a secular wedding, an orthodox wedding, and a reform wedding?

At the secular wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At the orthodox wedding, the bride’s mother is pregnant.
At the reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

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A black man becomes Orthodox...

A black man converts to Greek orthodoxy. One day he walks into a church out of town. An old woman sees him, and perceives he performs all the ritual motions exactly.

She walks up to him and asks "Sonnie, tell me true, you Greek?"
He says "no".

Again, she sees he performs all the ri...

An Orthodox Jewish lawyer tells his clients he's available to help them ...

... 24/6

What do you call two Orthodox Jewish brothers who solve mysteries?

The Haredi Boys

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

A orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi ..

Walking in the dessert and find a suitcase with 3 mil $.

They talk and decide to split the money evenly,but then the catholic priest says:

" Wait, god gave us this money by his will, so i think we should give something back to him for his mercy."

They all agree but each has a di...

A Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi are talking with one another...

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Rabbi, you keep Kosher, correct?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Of course, father." The Priest then asks, "But have you ever broken kosher?" The Rabbi then says, "I admit that I have. When I was a young man I once indulged myself in ham, and in doing so broke Kosher." "...

Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much?

Because, it's acidic juice.

Husband: These orthodox shoes are great

Wife: You mean "orthopaedic" shoes

Husband: I stand corrected

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Change?

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

A Catholic priest, Orthodox priest, and Rabbi are discussing donations...

"First, we draw a circle around us, then we throw the money up" said the Catholic priest, "we keep whatever money falls inside the circle and we give the money that went outside to God."

"Interesting," said the Orthodox Priest, "we keep whatever money falls outside the circle and we give to G...

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What do you call an orthodox jew that is prone to heartburn?

Acidic.

[My apologies]

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A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"

The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewh...

An orthodox Jewish man is distraught because his son has converted to Christianity

He goes to temple to pray.

"Lord, what have I done wrong? I lived a righteous life, studying the Torah and doing everything you asked. But now my son has told me he wants to be a Christian! What should I do?"

After a moment of silence, a big booming voice calls out

"You think y...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, whi...

My Macedonian grandfather's favourite joke

An Orthodox Priest, a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are talking about how they divide up the money they get in collections from their congregations.

Catholic Priest: "To divide up the money, we draw two circles on the ground; one small one inside one big one. We throw the money up in the air, a...

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A Jewish Man

A jewish man wants to know why he has to give tzedkah (Money to charity) every saturday. He asks a orthodox rabbi and he asks "Why do we have to give tzedkah?" the rabbi does not know and says "Go to a conservative rabbi instead." so he does and asks "Why do we have to give tzedkah?"the rabbi does ...

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Jewish jokes

(Just a few of my favorites)

A man is getting ready to get married to a very Orthodox wife, and he goes to her rabbi for help. He's recently converted and very unfamiliar with Jewish weddings.
"Rabbi, for the wedding, do I sit with my wife?"
"No, the men sit with the men and the women ...

I was walking along the train station one day and I saw a man standing on the platform about to jump off

I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well... are you Catholic or Orthodox?" He said, "Orthodox."

I said, "Me too! Are you Ukrainian Orthodox-Kyivan Patriarchate or Ukraini...

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My Jewish grandma told me this one

An Orthodox Jew is praying to god:
"God! I need help, my son converted to Christianity!"
God says: "don't worry, that happens to everyone. Even to me!"

Socrates' Beloved

Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, ‘Now what am I to do with ...

Catholics are weird.

They're pretty un-Orthodox.

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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

Synagogue Dog

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."

"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as s...

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Did you hear the joke about the Hassidic jew dentist who only puts braces on every third tooth?

He's an unorthodox orthodox orthodontist

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