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Strait Jokes

If Dire Straits robbed a grocery store

They'd get honey for nothin' and chips for free.

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are getting together.....

......they are calling themselves Dire Rea.

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

The opposite of George Strait...

is George Michaels

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

Did you hear that Dire Straits are opening a cafe?

They take money for muffins, but the chips are free.

What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz?

OMAN...

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

Why did the tuna cross the strait?

To get to the other tide.

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

A truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours strait.

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for s...

NOT a dad joke

Dad comes home from work 1 day and his daughter meets him at the door crying. Daddy something is very wrong with Fluffy. Dad asks her to show him. There is Fluffy in the middle of the floor laying on his back stiff as a board. Dad says I'm so sorry muffin but Fluffy has gone to visit God. Muffin ask...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

I looked in the brochure to see if there were any natural, water-based passages,

but it didn't give me a strait answer.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

The stormy seafarer

One stormy evening, a seafarer was thrown overboard whilst passing through the strait of Dover. As luck would have it, the ocean currents pulled him unconscious to the English coastline, where he was found and revived by a man adorned in a cape, deerstalker hat and smoking a pipe.

When coming...

I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike.

She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike strait into the cow.

I tried.

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You know why it's so hard to steer through the Suez Canal?

Because it's not Strait.

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Did you know it takes 3 miracles to be declared a Saint by the Catholic Church?

Did you know masturbating 15 times a day for 3 days strait does not constitute as a miracle? Did you also know they return the application and evidence in a package labeled Bio-hazard?

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, do...

What do you call a narrow passage of water that is near a barrier that restricts the flow of water?

A dam strait.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

Why are Canadians so smart

Because they always get strait eh’s

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

Can someone please check in with Mark Knopfler?

I've heard he's in Dire straits.

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

Two men are in the operating room

Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery.



One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?"



The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out"





The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was...

Only one man is happy about what's going on in Texas.

George Strait.
I can just picture him watching the news while singing "All my ex's live in Texas".

The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.

"Yeah, I th...

What's a rappers shirt made out of?

Strait out of cotton

At the IRS audit

IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free.

Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that?

IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits.

Got Change?

An elderly couple is in financial dire straits. Their pension is running out and things are starting to look desperate.

After several pointless job interviews and attempting to sell some junk from the attic, they reach the sad conclusion that the only hope they have is for the wife to sell h...

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Why are there no gays in a mental asylum?

Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.

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