You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

What did the Communist use before candles?

Electricity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

What did the teddy bear say after blowing out the birthday candles?

No thanks I’m stuffed!

What do you call a man who likes watching candles go out?...

...Peter.

Why are scented candles so expensive?

Because they take a wick to make one.

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,

well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Patient got heartburn.

A patient goes to his doctor and says, “every time I eat cake I get heartburn”

The doctor responds, “next time remove the candles first”

Now upvote me for my cake day

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

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I get only one blow job per year

I get only one blow job per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.

I bought some candles but I didn't have any candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

What's a good way to tell if someone is an arsonist?

They don't blow out the candles on their birthday cake.

My physics teacher asked what I think it’d be like to walk in a town at night only illuminated by candles

I said it would be pretty lit.

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Women are like candles

They may be warm and smell good, but they’ll burn your house down if you don’t pay enough attention to them.

I'm glad you like my tiny candles!

I really needed that votive confidence today.

When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

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I came home from work to find my wife had arranged a romantic night-in.

She stood there, dressed in a see-through polyester negligee, "You're in for a night of hot passionate sex," she said.
Dousing herself in perfume, she lit a host of scented candles.

I stayed for half an hour at the burns unit, but then thought, "Fuck it" and went home for a wank.

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

All candles smell the same to me. Am I missing something?

They all smell like burnt nose hair to me.

What's the deal with scented candles?

If they work, they stink. If they don't work, they still stink.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

I tried to create a business that makes talking candles

It didn't make any dollars or scents.

I asked my friend, Simon, "how many candles on the minora...?

He replied "I don't know."

"But you're Jewish!" I said.

"Yes, but I'm not observant."

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles.

I said, "Water would probably make more sense."

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

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