My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Joel Osteen is coming out with his own brand of candy bars.

They’re called Charlatan Chew.

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar?

*N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

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A blonde comes home from school munching on a candy bar...

Her mom asks her where she got it.

"I got it from Johnny! All I had to do was climb the flag pole at school!" she says.

"Oh, Jenny! You're such a dumb-ass. He was just trying to look up your skirt and see your panties!"

"Whoops!" Jenny says.

The next day she comes home,...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

What's DJ Khalid's favorite kind of candy bar?

A nutter one.

Why did the magician with a speech impediment buy a candy bar?

Because he wanted to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Dog and a Candy Bar

How is a dog before he goes into the vet like a Snickers, and after he comes out of the vet like a Milky Way?

They are both the same, just without the nuts.

A man and a woman are standing in line at a grocery store.

And in the woman’s cart, she’s got one apple, one pear, one can of soup, one candy bar, one little one serving of ice cream. The guy behind her says, “You’re single, aren’t you?” The woman looks at her cart and says, “How did you know?” He says, “Because you’re ugly as f**k.”

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

What is ISIS's favorite candy bar?

Allahu Snackbar, it's flavor is explosive.

How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle

Candy Bars

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

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A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this” and says no.


The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

An old man is sitting at a bus stop

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a kid walks up holding 5 Snickers bars and sits down next to him.

The old man looks over and watches as the kid unwraps and eats the first candy bar. The kid then proceeds to unwrap the next one, and eats it too. Soon, the kid has eaten all 5 Snickers...

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left ...

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Fishing trip

Billy and his grandfather were spending some time together and went fishing.

While fishing, the grandfather popped open the cooler and grabbed a beer and Little Billy asked if he could have some. Grandpa looked him dead in the eyes and asked him "Does your dick reach your asshole?" A little ...

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An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

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A woman is checking out at a grocery store

and puts a coke, candy bar, ramen noodles, and a tub of ice cream on the counter and the cashier says, "you must be single." "Wow, that's amazing! I sure am, what gave it away?" replies the woman. The cashier mumbles under his breath, "because you're ugly as shit."

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Six chocolate bars

An old man, sitting on his porch one nice day, sees a chubby little boy walk down the street to the store. On the way back the boy is carrying six chocolate bars, and proceeds to sit down not far from the old man's lawn, peel open the chocolate bar wrappers one by one and eat the candy inside. Whe...

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, whe...

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Little Ralphie

Little Ralphie sat on a park bench and pulled out a candy bar. Soon an older gentleman also sat on the bench and began to read his paper. He couldn't help but notice that Ralphie kept eating candy bars. No sooner did he finish with one than he got another and scarfed it down. He had put away fiv...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.

*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*

Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a cla...

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair...

... and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speed...

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A priest asks a custodian to watch the confessional booth while he takes a piss..

While the custodian is quietly waiting, a beautiful, long-legged blonde walks into the booth. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned it has been 1 month since my last confession, and I have given a blowjob!" The janitor isn't sure what the priest would tell her to do so he pops his head out t...

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

What's the best part about being an orphan?

All your chips and candy bars are family sized.

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My wife doesn't know...

That every time we have sex, I put a dollar into an envelope that goes toward her Christmas present. So far, she's getting a candy bar.

A little boy... Nfw'ish

So a little boy ran past a cop screaming bloody murder so the cop grabs him by the arm and settles him down.

Holding onto his shoulders he look in the boys tear stained eyes and asks

"son what happened?"

The boy snivels up a snot bubble and answers the cop

"Well officer ...

An American, an Englishman, and a Polish man were driving in the desert...

All of a sudden, the car breaks down. The Englishman says he seen a gas station sign a ways back. So the three decide to troop back to the gas station and see if they have a tow truck. They each grab one item from the car for the long hike.
The Englishman takes case of beer, the American takes a ...

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