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Glock Jokes

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A guy walks into a bar with a glock

He then yells on the top of his lungs: "Who the heck fucked my wife!" Everything is silent for a second, then someone in the back of the car says: "Mate you ain't got enough bullets for that."

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A Colt 1911 and a Glock walks into a bar...

The 1911 says to the Glock: "Hey, ugly foreigner, want to do a drinking contest?"

The Glock says "You old idiot, you can only last 8 rounds!"

From a friend of mine who's a gun enthusiast.

I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

Used a glock for a power point...

...Bullet points only.

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who swallowed a Glock 18?

He calls it his inner piece

So a Police Officer pulls over a little old lady in a car going a bit too slow…

Police officer asks the usual, “…know why I pulled you over…” “…license, registration, proof of insurance…”

Lady hands everything over as usual,

And then the Officer asks, “Ma’am, you got any weapons in the car I should know about?”

Old Lady answers “a .45 at my waistband, a Glo...

Why'd the gun go to the eye doctor?

*It had glock-oma . . .*

My uncle died

He found it mind blowing that you can't play Russian roulette with a Glock

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What is a pornstar’s favorite firearm?

Glock glock glock glock glock

I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.

I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

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I was out for a stroll...

While on a stroll down a pier while talking to a girl about how certain Star Trek characters would handle a gun ownership business, a group of exotic birds and a bird of prey assaulted us. It was so traumatic she no longer wanted to sleep with me afterwords.

It was a hawk & cock of the ro...

American version of Poems

All Around The Mulberry Bush
The Monkey Chased The weasel
the monkey stopped to load his glock
***POP!*** Goes the weasel.....

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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast...

...at ate a glock every morning.

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB gun...

What do you call standing in a doorway while shooting a handgun?

Glock blocking

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What gun does a chicken carry?

A cock glock.

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

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A black man walks into a gun store in Texas.

"I would like to see that glock on the display wall"
"I am sorry sir we are out of stock for those" replied the salesman.
"Ok, show me the one beside it, the rifle"
"We are out of those, as well"

Suspecting the salesman is a racist he goes to a lawyer.
When the lawyer, who is whi...

Cop pulls a man over and the man hands him a concealed carry permit....

So the cop asked the man "are you carrying today sir?"
Man says "yes sir, I have a Colt .45 on my hip and a .22 in my boot."
"Anything else?" Said the officer. Man says "well there's a Glock in the glove box, a 12 gauge on the back seat... oh plus the M4, Springfield and Tommy gun in the trunk...

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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