UPJOKE
jitneycoachmotorcoachomnibusheapautobusjalopycharabancbusbardouble-deckermotorbuskarrunolsaid

Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.

One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

Bus

A very large lady boards a crowded bus. Loudly, she announces, "Is a gentleman prepared to offer me a seat?" As he stands up, a man replies, "I'm prepared to make a small contribution".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.

"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing ...

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn’t get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"

I said "I perform under pressure well"

He replied "Can you give me an example?"

I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

3 friends from China immigrated to the US

3 Chinese guys Bu, Chu and Fu, who were friends since childhood moved to US for work.

For their names being Chinese, they weren't getting shortlisted for interviews.

A guys suggested them to Americanise their names.

When they asked how.

He suggested add something to your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one ...

I was sitting on the roof of my bus depot thinking deep thoughts when the cops arrested me.

Apparently they didn't want me getting ideas above my station.

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several nuns are renovating an old church.

It's the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it's very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.

“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It's so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. "It's only us i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"



Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

superman is flying along....

When he spots wonderwoman through a window in a hotel, she's on the bed stark naked and looks to be having the time of her life...

He thinks to himself.. "I could fly in at the speed of light, give her a quick one and fly out again before she even knew what happened!"

So with a sly gri...

A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.

He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".

The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asse...

Why did the atheist fail their quiz on exponents?

Because they don't believe in a higher power *bu dum tss*

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery never had much luck on a busy bus.

"Mind if I shit there?"

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts, that a 25 year old one doesn't?

Her belly button

Bu dum tss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar without money…

He asks the bartender if he can get a free drink. The bartender kindly replies there are no free drinks on offer, but he could actually try the challenge and win free drinks for the rest of his life…

Naturally, the guy is interested; ‘So tell me about that challenge!’

The bartender exp...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

I went to see the railway children the other day.

It was cancelled and I had to watch the railway replacement bus children instead. Not as good.

What happens if you drive a Subaru in reverse?

U R A Bus!

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

Went to the restaurant.

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

The Amish Man at the Tollbooth

An Amish man was going along in his horse-drawn buggy when he arrived at a tollbooth. The tollbooth operator said it would be $5 to proceed. The Amish man said he thought that only applied to cars, and the operator explained that in fact, it applied to all vehicles.


So the man turned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a very crowded bar

The bar has long line so he gets in the line and waits and waits and waits. After finally being served he orders a bottle of Whiskey and leaves the line. After drinking the whole bottle of whiskey he gets a light headache and thinks water is a good idea. But there is a long line to get water. He get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny.

A teacher walks into her classroom to greet her first grade students.

"Good morning, class." the teacher said, smiling and observing her students.Before going to the chalkboard to begin the day, she notices little Johnny in the back of the classroom, wriggling around and desperately trying to...

A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.

He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."

A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"

Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger aske...

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

A kindergarten class

had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went hunting in the forest.

Suddenly he saw a bear. He tries to shoot it, but the problem being is that his rifle is pretty old, got it from his grandpa. He misses, the smoke from the gunpowder blocks his view. The smoke disappeared, and so did the bear. Suddenly, someone touched the hunter's shoulder. He turns around and sees...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was waiting at a bus stop

The wait was going to be long. In the diner across the road, there was a fortune machine. 25 cents, the little slip of paper came out.

"You know how to play the violin"

Well that's not true, she thought. There happened to be a violinist in the diner, he let her try. To both of thei...

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

Two clever nuns

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and...

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

Three aliens

Three aliens, Bu; Chu and Fu, are sent to Earth to document local civilization. They land in America, and use advanced technology to make themselves look human. After they collected some data (including large percentage of English language), Bu said to the others: "Maybe we should change our names t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the last thing that goes through a bugs' mind as it hits a windshield?

His butt.

A woman boards a bus with her baby.

The bus driver looks at her baby and exclaims, "Yikes! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman, now obviously upset, walks to the back of the bus and finds a seat next to another man. She says, "I'm upset, the driver just insulted me!"

The man responds, "You shouldn't let an...

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell...

I didn't laugh, but the ground cracked up

What do you call an elderly snowman?

Water (bu dum tiss)

So there's this matchstick climbing up

On the hill. And it's all sweaty because it's exhausted. Nearly at the top of the hill, there is a hedgehog walking by and the matchstick goes

"Ohh! If only I had known there was a bus, I would have taken the bus."

why can't you put a Subaru in reverse?

Because then U R A Bus!

(Reposted to fix typo where I misspelled Subaru)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.

Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."

I caught a bus yesterday!

I need to to buy a new fishing rod…

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.