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What do two tampons walking down the road say to each other?

Nothing, they are both stuck up c*nts

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

What is the only animal with a c*nt halfway up its back?

A police horse.

My son is such a miserable c*nt

Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

I wan’nt originally going to go through with brain surgery...

But then I changed my mind.

A woman says to her husband "Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"

Husband: "The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."

Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox

What's blue but is'nt heavy?

Light Blue

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Sex_al Harass_ _nt

All that's missing is "u" and "me".

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You Should'nt mess with a gambler:P

Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win.

The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a be...

_piderman _hor _nt man _ick fury _oki _lektra _dwin jarvis

It won't be the same without you

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠


Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

What do you call when you're confused if you like p*ssy or not?

C\*nt-flicted.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad.

So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer...

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A nasty little kid and his father...

A nasty little kid and his father were walking down the street one day when the little kid sees a butterfly on the pavement and he stamps on it.

"That was\`nt a very nice thing to do. For doing that your not allowed to have any butter for a whole week as punishment", says the father.

T...

A Bit of French Church Humor (Found on my FB timeline)

Poster found in a Church in France... (translated):

"When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear "the call of God". However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and ...

Do trans girls float in water?

After all, they are boy’nt

Me: dad can i marry my grandmom

Dad: You WaNt To MaRrY mY mOm.
Me: you married my mom but u don't see me complain about it

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Back in the day, a Minnesotian farmer visits the doctor...

He says: "Doc, I've got this problem and it's a little bit embarrasing and annoying."
"Oh", the doctor says. "Tell me what your issue is."

"Well", says the famer. " You see, I work in the fields and in the woods all day and when I get home in the evenings and can relax, I am just too tir...

My friend is a doctor

Hope it is'nt a repost.

My friend is a gynaecologist.

So he had a patient who came for a pelvic examination.

Since he was a male doctor he didn't want it to be awkward so he tried
talking to the patient,

he looked around and saw her sandals and on it, it
was writ...

What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?

A lycan'tthrope

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I would'nt know, never fucked an egg before.

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Have you heard the gossip about butter?

Actually nah, i should'nt spread it..

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Burger and Fries, please".

Certainly Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"[email protected] off, you c*nt." he snaps, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison kitchen

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover ...

Mike.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" 

...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her ...

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How is Batman different from a black man?

Batman can go in a store without Robin.

I will never forget my grandfather’s last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you c*nt

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Three tampons are walking down the street. Which one of them says hello?

None of them. They’re all stuck up c*nts...

A guy goes on vacation with his family

And asks his friend if he can take care of their cat.

Days into the vacation, he receivea a call from his friend, and he says:

"Hey, your cat just died..."
"Jesus, man! You just messed my vacation! How am I going to tell my kids now? And you should'nt say it like that! First, you'd ...

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon.

an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers are hacking through their sacred forrest. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:

"how dare you cut t...

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

Two girls walking down the street when...

one sees her husband coming out of a floral shop with a bouquet of flowers. She says "Oh shoot, he's buying me flowers. I'll have to lay on my back for two days with my feet in the air. Her friend says "Would'nt it be easier to just buy a vase?

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Little johnny’s first 69er....

Little johnny had never had sex before and knew little about it.
He was out one night and was approached by a woman who asked if he would like to join her for some serious sex.
Johnny obliges and after undressing at her house they promptly get stuck into it.
After a while she suggests a 69e...

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I tried to prank my GF the other day

I asked my friend if I could borrow his phone so that I could send her a text. I texted her "hey babe , wanna fuck?"

She replied " sure"

The prank did'nt go as planned. I don't know how she knew it was me.

Dont spell sense backwards

It does'nt make sense

A person walked in to a spanish book store.

Clerk: What can I do for you?

Customer: I'd like a copy of Donald Trump's new book about immigration reform.

Clerk: Get the f-ck out of this place and don't come back, you c-nt!

customer: Yes, that one.

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A girl is getting married

She told her guy she is a virgin even though she wasn't. In order to convince him, she stuck a fresh piece of liver in her vagina so it would feel tight and bloody. After the wedding night, next morning, she finds a note saying:

"*We were'nt meant for each other after all*

*PS. Your va...

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Hitler dies and ascends to be judged at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter steps out, the Book of Life under his arm, and sees Hitler standing there.

"Hitler? What, are you kidding me?" exclaims Peter.

"I know, I know" says Hitler, putting his hands up to calm the saint "but what you may not know is that in life I recognized the error of my ways and...

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