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I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

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Being constipated sucks

Worst part is you can't do shit about it

Why don’t mathematicians get constipated?

Because they can work anything out with a pencil.

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β€œI’m constipated, Mr. Holmes.”

β€œSo then you haven’t been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?”

β€œYes, no shit Sherlock.”

What do you say to a constipated Klingon?

Qr'plop !

What do you call a constipated cop?

Off doodie.

Did you hear about the constipated logician?

He was able to de-deuce himself through reasoning.

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What do you call a constipated British detective from the 19th century?

No shit Sherlock

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Never trust someone who’s constipated

They’re full of shit

Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation

Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.

Next day he goes back to the doctor.

"Doc I am still badly constipated."

Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."

He again goes back to the doctor the next day...

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. β€œNo shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

Have you seen the movie constipate yet?

It never came out

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

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Why are so many people constipated in Michigan?

Cause you can't have a shit in Detroit

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What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner?

He couldn’t budget.

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As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a shit.

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Hey Doc, what do you call a constipated hypochondriac?

I don't know, but I bet they're just full of shit.

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I’m changing my last name to Constipated...

I just don’t give a shit any more.

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I was constipated so I took an oral suppository

For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass.

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What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.

A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

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My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

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I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, β€œI like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor β€œoh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied β€œjust tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I met a man who claimed he was constipated

I think he was full of shit.

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My friend kept telling me he was constipated all year long

Turns out he was full of shit

My dad was telling me about a documentary about the human body when it's constipated.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come out yet.

What do you call a constipated conspiracy theorist?

An anti-laxxer!

Why a constipated man is careless?

Cause he doesn't give a sh#t.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What did the constipated hot dog say?

MUST...TURD...

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I was constipated

but the idea of being stuck on the toilet scared me shitless

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After being constipated for a couple weeks, a man finally decided to visit his doctor...

"Doc, I haven't pooped in weeks! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories a...

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There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the ...

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

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As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

This guy was constipated...

... so his rectum and sphincter start talking.

"Cmon rectum, you can do it! Push!"

"Don't patronize me, asshole!"

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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I have been constipated for two days and let me tell you

Thats a shit load of time

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