Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

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I’m changing my last name to Constipated...

I just don’t give a shit any more.

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Never trust someone constipated

They're full of shit.

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I was constipated so I took an oral suppository

For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass.

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My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

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I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–€β–€β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–„β–„β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–ˆβ–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–‘β–„β–€β–€β–‘β–β–‘β–‘β–‘
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

Why don't mathematicians get constipated?

They just work it out with a pencil.

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What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

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My friend told me he’s constipated.

I just don’t believe him, he is full of shit

Have you seen the movie constipate yet?

It never came out

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My friend kept telling me he was constipated all year long

Turns out he was full of shit

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I met a man who claimed he was constipated

I think he was full of shit.

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

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"You're still constipated, aren't you Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

My dad was telling me about a documentary about the human body when it's constipated.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come out yet.

Why a constipated man is careless?

Cause he doesn't give a sh#t.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

MUST...TURD...

What do you call a constipated conspiracy theorist?

An anti-laxxer!

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I was constipated

but the idea of being stuck on the toilet scared me shitless

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After being constipated for a couple weeks, a man finally decided to visit his doctor...

"Doc, I haven't pooped in weeks! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories a...

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There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the ...

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As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

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This guy was constipated...

... so his rectum and sphincter start talking.

"Cmon rectum, you can do it! Push!"

"Don't patronize me, asshole!"

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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

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I have been constipated for two days and let me tell you

Thats a shit load of time

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A therapist’s bathroom is the best one when you’re constipated.

You just get to let go of so much shit.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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My mate did an impression of Sean Connery constipated.

That doesn't shit well with me.

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How does baby Yoda poop when constipated?

He forces it out.

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How do you help a friend whos constipated?

You scare the crap out of them.

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I went to the doctor because I had a stomach ache and he said I was constipated

I was like, β€œhuh, no shit?”

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