UPJOKE
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What does a drummer use for contraception?

Their personality !

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What’s Donald Trumps favourite form of contraception?

The pull out method.

If contraception is birth control...

... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.

Why does Trump never use contraception?

He prefers the pull-out method.

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

What do you call people who rely on the "safe period" for contraception?

-Parents

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Three women are sitting discussing what contraception they use with their boyfriends.

"We always use condoms" said the first woman.
"I always use contraceptive pills" said the second.
"I just crush their balls between two bricks" said the third woman.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked the other women.
"Maybe" she said "but only if you get your fingers caught in between".

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

they help me sleep better

An old lady goes to a pharmacists and orders contraception pills.
"Why do you need them, in your age?" asks the pharmacist.
"They help me sleep better," replies the old woman.
"How is that possible?" asks the pharmacist.
"I put them in my granddaughter's drink and then I sleep be...

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

β€œGot it,” says the front desk, β€œand would you like these on your bill?”

β€œOf course not,” the duck says. β€œI’d suffocate.”

The New Doctor

A 85 year old lady has to go to a new doctor, and he is reviewing her file and the list of medications she is on, and finds in the long list that she is on the contraceptive pill.
"Why are you on the pill at your age?" he asks
"Well it helps me to sleep at night" she replies
The doctor is s...

Three women get together for coffee

and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."

The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What would Inception: The Porno be called?

Contraception.

I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church

He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

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