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Contraception Jokes

If contraception is birth control...

... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.

What does a drummer use for contraception?

Their personality !

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s Donald Trumps favourite form of contraception?

The pull out method.

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

I walked into a shop and asked for contraception. The store clerk gave me a huge metal disk instead...

"I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding" I said.

The clerk replied "I thought you asked for a condom?"

I nodded

The clerk responds "That's why I gave you a man hole cover"

What do you call people who rely on the "safe period" for contraception?

-Parents

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had my wallet stolen and my ass is red raw from being whipped.

I know my girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant but there must be better methods of contraception than sending me out to find a con domme.

they help me sleep better

a very old lady goes to a pharmacy and asks for contraception pills

"but lady," says the pharmacist, "you surely don't need anything like that"

"they help me sleep better," says the old lady.

"How is it possible?" asks the pharmacist.

"I add them to my gra...

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Inception: The Porno be called?

Contraception.

I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church

He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

Are those Balloon animals ?

Going on a family vacation with a lot of kids can be a trial.

We found a really nice campground with all the amenities, to park the camper.

We met several other families, as the children all played outside.

For hours, the kids kept coming back inside asking for quarters over and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quality assurance joke about sex (NSFW)

There was a quality assurance bug tester who was interested in getting pregnant. She read on a factual website that having sex without a condom will make you pregnant, so that's what she did. However, a month later, she was not pregnant.

Frustrated, she submitted a complaint to the website th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

Three women get together for coffee

and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says: "We've used the rhythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice."

The second woman says: "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for ...

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