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Bdsm Jokes

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What exactly is sexy about BDSM??

Beats me.

What do you call a vegan who’s into BDSM?

Biodegradable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

What's the difference between BDSM and Necrophilia?

About 5 minutes.

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

Some people say BDSM is complicated, but I don't think so

I could do it with one hand tied behind my back

Dad finds a BDSM toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

I’ve been into BDSM recently.

I was having trouble figuring it out, but luckily my friend was willing to show me the ropes.

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM

You could say she is into strapping young lads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an audiophile into BDSM furry porn?

A subwoofer

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

What do baking and BDSM have in common?

They both involve lots of beating and whipping

I couldn’t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.

I used to be into BDSM, bestiality, and necrophilia...

But then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse.

What was the BDSM students favorite class?

The Ropes Course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian man and his wife are into BDSM

A russian man, Vladislav, and his wife, Anna, are very into BDSM and roleplay and have very kinky sex every night. One night, when they are both particularly into it, Anna decides that she can't take much more. Only issue is, Anna can't remember the safeword. She starts telling her husband to stop, ...

I once knew a soldier who was into BDSM.

Corporal Punishment.

So I started dating a ventriloquist who is into BDSM...

Turns out gags are completely ineffective.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable?

Butternut squash

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

I am new to BDSM

Can someone show me the ropes?

A man walks into a library. “Where are your books on BDSM?”

The librarian does not look up from her reference book. “I’m sorry sir, they are still being bound.”

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

What do you call women who like BDSM & Pizza?

Domnihoes®

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

I'm taking BDSM classes

and the normal teacher is out this week so we've got a sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sex worker who was so hard up for money that she agreed to be a bottom in BDSM?

She was strapped for cash!

What do you call a cow into BDSM?

What do you call a cow into BDSM? Whipped cream

Which subatomic particles are into BDSM?

Top and bottom quarks

If you post BDSM jokes on /r/jokes....

Does it count as a submission?

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

What do you call bread that’s into BDSM

Gluten for punishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?" 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

Did you hear about the competitive BDSM league's struggles with scoring separation?

Things have been all tied up for awhile.

What do you call a dog who's into BDSM?

Sub-Woofer

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

What do you call a math teacher who's really into BDSM?

A denominatrix.

I had a vegetarian girlfriend who was into BDSM.

She did not carrot all if I beet her.

What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into bdsm?

You can only get off when they tell you to

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I want to make a BDSM joke

but I keep getting tied up on the punchline

Electric shock treatment for my BDSM addiction?

Yes, Please!

What did the busy BDSM enthusiast say to avoid coming into work?

"Sorry, my hands are tied!" ^^im ^^^so ^^^^sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

[BDSM] I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client

Oops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

Where does a gas that's into bdsm live

A propane tank

Why are dogs into BDSM?

They like it ruff

BDSM browsing reddit...

Just a dom looking for a sub.

I am a devout in BDSM and have been very open about it to everyone around me

People give me the weirdest looks. Haven't they heard of Buddhism before?

I would help with your bdsm kink

My hands are tied at the moment though.

What country is into BDSM the most?

Tie-Land

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

What did one Indiana resident say to the other Indiana resident at the BDSM convention?

Hoosier daddy

BDSM is supposedly a hit with the youth

But it's just something I'd rather not get tied up in

An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.

When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal ...

I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM

I just want to strangle them.

They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

[BDSM] The other day I came home and found a man tied up on my bed that didn't look like my boyfriend.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I'm new to BDSM, but my girlfriend is really supportive...

She said she'd show me the ropes.

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We’re both into BDSM...

but I’m not comfortable doing blackface

What is the BDSM communitie's favorite scripture?

Turn the other cheek.

Why should you never trust a bdsm enthusiast when the game is on the line?

They enjoy getting beat when tied up!

What do you call BDSM santa?

A subordinate claus.

So my dog told me it was into BDSM

So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner

My friend said her neighbors came into her restaurant for a book club, turns out it was for a BDSM club. . .

I guess people bond over different things.

If I had a mask that only revealed the attractive parts of my face...

People would think I was really in to BDSM

My wife and I are really into light BDSM play...

...even our favourite breakfast is spank aches.

Mom finds chains and whips in sons room

So she goes and ask her husband what they should do about his bdsm issue. The dad says, “well I definitely wouldn’t spank him”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

Tried to post in Shower Thoughts

Imagine a dating app for fans of Mandalorian assassins and bdsm. Could call it BobaFet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be into kinky stuff....

When I was younger I admit I used to have a kinky side. At first, like most young people exploring their sexuality, it started off with pretty tame stuff. Handcuffs....a little whipping....you know, BDSM.


But that grew boring eventually and I began to search for something new that coul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

An Indian girl is into BDSM

She's a poppadominatrix

This is not a joke, I think. But it's funny (I think)

Forget about "meeting singles in my area"

I just got an Ad from Google selling me a "short girth belly guard". The device is made in black leather with chrome studs. Looks like a BDSM thing. I clicked on the ad out of curiosity and it turns out it's for horses, from an Italian company special...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just watched aggressive sex between a group of people that celebrate pride and individuality in 720p

It was HD LGBTQ BDSM

BDSM is disgusting and I absolutely hate it. I'd speak up but no one would listen,

My hands are tied.

BDSM while being dressed as a Knight

BDSM while being dressed as a Knight is my absolute weakness.

You can say that it is a Kink in my Armour.

A Mother is cleaning her kids room...

She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband

Mom: What do we do?

Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

I kink my neck so often...

I'm starting to think I'm secretly into BDSM

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