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Bondage Jokes

I'm not thrilled my wife is into bondage

but my hands are tied

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

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What do you call a Japanese chicken that likes bondage?

Hen-tie

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My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

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i asked my therapist: can you cure my bondage addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

What do Boy Scouts and bondage fetishists have in common?

Knot a lot.

Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

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TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

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I'm working on a new adult film loosely based on "Two girls, one cup" but with a bondage theme...

It's called "I shit, you knot."

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A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.

The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"

And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin,...

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

I just watched a really thrilling bondage competition.

The winner tied last place.

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

This year they had the bondage competition

It ended in a tie

My local bondage club was robbed last night...

we were all left bound and gagged.

We absolutely loved it.

If you are into bestiality, necrophilia and bondage...

Does that mean you are beating a dead horse?

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

What do you call a disappointing bondage session?

BDSMH

I told my friends I didn't want to try group bondage...

...but somehow they roped me into it.

My wife asked if we should try bondage.

I said, "We'd better knot."

Why do couples that are into bondage always get married?

Because they love to tie the knot.

There was a spy that was into Bondage.

James, Bondage.

You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage.

It gets pretty kinky.

What do bondage enthusiasts use to do their laundry?

Tied pods.

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What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage?

One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex.

I met a girl who was into leather and bondage.

She tied me up and stole my wallet.

Why do people who like bondage shy away from anonymous one-night stands?

There's no strings attached.

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Did you hear about the porn star who did bondage movies?

She was strapped for cash.

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Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette th...

What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

Being Vegan is a lot like having a bondage fetish

If your girlfriend is into it, you basically also have to

So a girl asked me what I meant with bondage

So I showed her the ropes of it

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

What’s Sean Connery’s kink?

Bondage

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What did the sexual deviant hydrogen say to the oxygen?

Do you like bondage?

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

A mom decided to clean her teenage boy's room and she discovered a bunch of bondage & S&M gear - whips, handcuffs and stuff. She asked her husband what she should do about it and he replied...

"Probably not spanking him"

Why does everyone enjoy having Helen Keller at bondage parties?

She can never say the safe word.

I asked the owner of a bondage parlor if I can have a tour of the place...

...He said he was tied up at the moment. He had to show the new girl the ropes.

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

Why are some chemicals called organophosphates?

It was better than calling them "C-P bondage compounds."

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Kinky

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Jack Daniels. He downs them 1, 2, 3 and asks for three more. Stunned at this, a women sitting at the opposite end of the bar comments 'woah, slow down there tiger.' The man looks at her, feels the alcohol taking instant effect and finds her strikingl...

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

What's a British spy's secret fetish?

Bondage, James Bondage

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A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

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What do you call it when Daniel Craig has kinky sex?

Bondage!

A couple months ago, my girlfriend and I started experimenting with bondage. I was quite into it, but I could see she wasn't having fun herself. But we kept at it and now I think she's really starting to enjoy it.

She was bound to like it eventually

A salesman knocks on the door of a house...

It is opened by a young girl, maybe 12 or 13. She is heavily made up, her hair is dyed and permed, and she is dressed in a short skirt and a low-cut top. In one hand, she holds a cigarette holder, in the other a glass of whisky. Behind her, the salesman sees two naked men in bondage gear.

"Er...

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

'I love your paintings'

Someone in an art gallery

or

a Jamaican in a bondage shop.

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