Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So they wouldn't talk in their sleep

I got taken of a plane in handcuffs today

All I did was greet my friend Jack

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"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..."

"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."

Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A monkey breaks out of the zoo...

Animal control tracks him down and finds him on top of a tree.
The chief of animal control brings out 4 items a bat, a dog, handcuffs and a shotgun.
He says “now boys I’m gonna go up that tree and knock him out with the bat. The dog is trained to bite his balls, while he puts his hands over hi...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

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A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woma...

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

Escorted from the petting zoo in handcuffs

You will not believe what just happened...

I walked into the store to get a drink...When I walked in I noticed these 2 police officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he crazy? With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink...

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

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A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

Three men die in a plane crash and go to Heaven....

When they get inside they notice that Heaven is absolutely full of ducks. So many ducks they can barely walk around.

An angel approaches and says “Welcome to Heaven, your home for all eternity! Here you can have anything you want, whenever you want, as long as you never step on a duck.”
<...

Good, Better, Best

GOOD:



A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”

The officer later found a young accomplice ...

Golf Story

Four guys had been going on the same golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group was to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going.

Jack's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the thre...

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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

Three guys are waiting at the gates of heaven...

Saint Peter tells them they have lived a good life and may enter heaven under one condition,

“Don’t step on the ducks”.

The three guys look at each other in confusion but ultimately agree to the terms and enter heaven laughing at the thought of stepping on a duck.

As the gates ...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

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Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
&nbsp;
The girl invites the guy to make himself at...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

Gorrila Retrieval Unit

You're sitting at home minding your business when you hear a ruckus coming from your roof. Walking outside you see a massive Gorilla tearing up your shingles, so you go inside and call the zoo. Few moments later this pickup truck pulls up with Gorilla Retrieval Unit (GRU) on the side of it. An old m...

A monkey in a tree

A man notices a monkey has climbed up his backyard tree. He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey trapping and removal.

When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

He tells the homeowner "I'm going to ...

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

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Three Women Die And Go To Heaven

Welcome to Heaven," Saint Peter greets them at the gate. "We only have one rule here, and that is, under no circumstances, can you step on any of our holy flowers. If you do, you will be punished for all eternity."

The women are confused, but walk through the pearly gates and find that heaven...

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A man wakes up one day to a gorilla in a tree in his front yard

Alarmed, he immediately googles "gorilla exterminator" and calls the local expert.

"Hello? Yes I have a damn silverback in my tree, I need you here right now!"

"No problem man, except my partner is out of town, so I'll need you to help me"

"Fine whatever you need just get her...

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

Three men approach the pearly gates in heaven.

One day, in heaven, three men approached the big pearly gates and were greeted by God.

"Hello, are you the young men from the car crash just now?" He says.

"Yes, and we assume this is heaven?" Answered the first man

"Of course. Now, if you would follow me, we have some busines...

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A man rushes to the hospital as he finds out his wife who is in a coma is pregnant

The man storms in the door to his wife's room at the hospital after getting the call from the doctor. The doctor is there with a police officer. "Well, well, well... just couldn't wait until she woke up could you? You sick fuck" the police officer says as he pulls out the handcuffs. "The hell are yo...

What starts with H, ends with S, and can be found below my waist and above my legs?

Handcuffs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man buys the sports car of his dreams

While visiting his grandfather, the man finds out his grandfather has wanted to drive one of these cars for a *very* long time. Since the two were so close, the man decided to let his grandfather drive his beloved machine.

On the highway, the grandfather was driving in excess of 200kph, and ...

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first gu...

[Long] A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.

A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.
Not sure what to do about this he calls a local exterminator service.
The lady on the phone says, “Sure, we deal with gorilla removal all the time, I can have someone there in thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes la...

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Goodies but oldies

This is actually a repost from along time ago but fuck it. Thank you for thr 2 day long laugh guy here it goes.


One day this home owner goes to his back yard and sees a freaking gorrilla on his tree. He freaks out so he searches up for a gorrila expert on the yellow book. He calls and the...

I like my women like I like my OJ...

Black and in handcuffs.

Why do Mexicans always install those tiny steering wheels in their cars?

So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it.

It makes me break out in handcuffs.

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol.
...

I've been shopping in the kid's department for hours and they FINALLY found something that fits me!

Although the handcuffs are a bit snug....

So a young Italian Mafioso is picked up by the cops...

So a young Italian Mafioso is picked up by the cops for questioning, and he's taken to the police station where he states that he's not going to say another word until his lawyer arrives. The lawyer arrives, and asks the young mafioso "did you tell them anything?" The young mafioso replies - "of cou...

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I just wanted a drink.

Stopped at Speedway to buy a drink. When I pulled in, I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I'm thinking, "Wow...what an idiot! The police are standing right there!"
I go in and get my drink. As I was paying, I hear someone scream, "Look outside!" OMG!! The w...

What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

3 guys go to heaven...

3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the ga...

A man wakes up one morning to a terrible sound outside his bedroom window.

He walks over, pulls back the drapes, and sure enough, there's a giant silverback gorilla in his oak tree making all kinds of noise and shaking the branches. The man quickly reaches for the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. He gets a guy on the phone and explains the situation. The ser...

An elderly woman had just returned

to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled:

“STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven....

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging...

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3 man go to heaven

They are greeted by an angel. The Angel says to them: „Look guys we only have 1 rule here. Never step on a red cloud." The man are confused ar first but dont think too much of it. After a while the first man accidently steps on a red cloud. Immedeantly the angel comes to him. "Because you stepped on...

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Bob's Gorilla Removal Service

So Fred wakes up one morning and strolls outside to pickup his newspaper, but before he can get to the end of the driveway, he looks up and notices a gigantic gorilla sitting in the tree in his front yard. Terrified, Fred runs back inside and flips open his phone book. After a long search, he fina...

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A guy is sitting in a bar...

...having a drink and sees a beautiful girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says:

- Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?

- Sure, - she says, "have a seat."

The man sits down and they get to talking.

- You know, - the man says, - this is kind of a...

A man opens up a zoo...

One day a man decides to quit his job and open up a zoo. He first needs to get animals for the zoo, so he buys 100 Mina birds. He then decides he needs some aquatic attractions, so he buys some porpoises from a shady man. The man tells him that if he does not feed the porpoises by 12 midnight, they ...

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A woman is sitting in a bar, drinking and depressed...

A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?"
She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky."
He says, "Really? My wife left me because she
thought I was too kinky!"...

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How do you know you've satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

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The March of the Number Line

Why was 10 afraid? Because it's in the middle of 9/11. 10 has since moved past that, but now 10 is afraid of 7. Why? Because seven ate nine. Now that 9 is out of the way and 8 (having the only pair of working handcuffs) is dealing with 7, 10 is no longer afraid, but 6 is. Why you ask? Because 5 is a...

#1 thing not to say to a cop

Those look like the handcuffs your wife used on me last night.

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A guy wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his second-story bedroom window.

He panics and calls the first wild animal control company in the phone book, a discount one as it turns out. An old man shows up at his door a few minutes later holding a crate. He steps inside the house and unloads a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, an collapsible 10-foot pole and a small angry Chih...

A man finds a gorilla in his tree.

One morning a man wakes up and looks out his second-story window only to see a big mean looking gorilla sitting in his tree. A bit panicked, he googles “gorilla removal” and finds a local animal removal service. The removal service owner responds that he will be right over.

A half hour lat...

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A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway...

...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out of her purse and says "I am taking your truck, that ...

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Kinky Stuff...

So a guy walks into a bar with a really long face looking very dejected and sits at the bar and orders a drink. A while later a woman walks in also looking very down, sits a couple stools over from him and orders a drink.

Eventually they start chatting and she asks him,"Why the long face?"...

Oh no...

A man in uniform pulled me over and said, "Sir can you get out the car please." I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet.

"Can you please tell me what I've done officer?"I asked.

"Oh I'm not an officer." he said, unbuckling his belt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tree Gorilla [NSFW]

One morning a man walks out on the back porch to have his morning coffee and looks up to see a gorilla in the tree in his back yard. He runs inside and calls animal control. A short time later the animal control truck shows up and the officer climbs out along with a half blind pit bull. The guy tell...

I was having a look...

In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!

California Day

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...