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Barbara Jokes

George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.

Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.


In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what...

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift ...

In Santa Barbara...

restaurant employees could face up to six months jail time for giving out straws.

That means seconds before the ban went into effect, a waiter could have handed one out and said, "This is the last straw."

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

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Anniversary dinner date

For their 1st wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because they had never been there before.

For their 10th wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because it had a world-class bartender who made the best signature cocktails....

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Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three ki...

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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

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Barbara Walters and the Indian tribe

Barbara Walters was doing a commentary on "The Customs of the
American Indian". After a tour of the Reservation which she was on
she wondered why the difference in the number of feathers in their
head dresses.

She asked a brave, who had but one feather in his head dress
and ...

Teenager's Mom is worried that her daughter has been skipping Sunday School

Mom: Now then Barbara why have you not been attending Sunday School?

Barbara: Because its boring and I don't learn anything.

Mom: That's ridiculous, you can a lot about life, for example do you know who made you?

Barbara: Originally or recently?

What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Don't Despair

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the...

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again...

He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."

What do you call a female barber?

barbara

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

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The lass misunderstood

Barbara Cecelia was having some women's problems, so she asked a friend at the factory for the name of a good obgyn, and the friend gave her the name of a doctor reputed to be the best in Dublin.

So Barbara Cecilia goes to the doctor, and when she returns home, her husband asked her what th...

What do you call it when one president comes in and another president comes out?

Barbara’s bush

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Movie night in the old folks home

It's movie night in the old folks home. Before the show this little old woman comes up to this little old man and ask if she can hold his penis during the movie. He replies, " Well I would say yes but I already promised Barbara."

Flabbergasted, the old woman says "Barbara! What's that bitch ...

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I just love this Amazon echo's capability

I set it up today and said “Dingo took my baby " and got a list of Meryl Streep movies

Then I said “Hello gorgeous ” and got a list of Barbara Streisand movies

Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house

I muttered “Fucking kids”

And a bunc...

Eleven girls and pregnant again

German lady had eleven children, all daughters, and all had names beginning with B - Barbara, Bertha, Bettina, Babette ... you get the idea.

Came the time to deliver her twelfth, and a couple of days after delivering another daughter, the nurse brings in a form to register the new child.
<...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff...

...they all die and go to Heaven. As they were approaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter comes out to greet them:
"My dear sisters, welcome to Heaven”, said the apostle. The nuns were thrilled to meet him, but he proceeded without delay: “Please form a line while I go back inside to get somethin...

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Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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Famous quotes....

At school one day Little Johnny's teacher announced that she was going to say a famous quote and that whoever could correctly guess the person who said that quote would be able to leave school early. Little Johnny gets all excited because he knows his history.

So the teacher asks first: "Wh...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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Who is Santa Claus?

Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?

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