"Hi Nancy! You're looking good!"

"Thanks Mr. President. Sorry I can't say the same about you."

"Well, you could if you lied like me."

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...

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Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At ...

How does Nancy Pelosi (5'5'') manage to stand up to Donald Trump (6'3'')?

It's called the art of the heel

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise

and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and muse...

Robert Mueller gets drunk after the report is released.

He convinces Jim Comey and Andrew McCabe to accompany him downtown but he can’t seem to make up his mind where to go. He crosses the street from one pub to another. People gather to watch as he strides back and forth.

Knowing that Mueller is a man of few words, they ask Comey what’s going on...

Nancy Pelosi's first job

Did you know Nancy Pelosi use to be a teacher. She had students take their tests blindfolded. When asked why, she would say" We have to pass the test before we can find out what's in it!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!<...

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A Marine

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Sq...

A man goes to his fiancee's family reunion.

Being his first time, he's amazed at how many people are there.

He asks, "This can't all be your family, is it?"

"It sure is. Let me introduce you to everyone," she replies. "Let's get something to drink first."

The couple goes over to the drink table and the man reaches over ...

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

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Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Chris says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna shag her 3 times a day..."
The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to...

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A little boy with a dead frog on a leash goes into a brothel

At the reception he asks the madam:

"I'd like to have sex with a woman who has a sexually transmitted disease."

"While we do have a girl with an STD you are still a minor."

"I can pay extra."

After thinking about it the madam decides to let him have sex with her girl on o...

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

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An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.

"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"

Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."

The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."

The little ...

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A 12 year old boy walks into a brothel...

He places a crisp hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I need a whore."
The madam is unphased and tells the boy to get lost. He slides another crisp hundred on the counter and sternly exclaimed, "madam, I said I need a whore."
The madam begins to get annoyed and demands the boy leav...

Two young children...

Nancy and Stevie were best friends at the age of 10. They spent all their time together so they decided they were going to get married.
Stevie decided to tell Nancy's father, and her father asked, "That's great, but where are you going to live?"
Stevie thought for a second and said, "Well, sh...

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a ...

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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
<...

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the...

Dyslexic

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy...

Choking Hazard.

Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.


Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?


Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his throat.

Obama goes to hell

Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to
let someone else go."

"I've got three ...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

Little Johnny...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave ...

The Dead Businessman!!

Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.

Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for...

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Comeback Stories.

In a Feminism 101 course there is one male frat boy student and the rest of the students are girls.

The teacher asks the class "what are some great female comeback stories?"

the sporty girls say "Vanessa Williams" and "Drew Barrymore".

The girl obsessed with politics says "Hill...

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A great Vacation

One day, at little Hill mental institution in NY, nurse Nancy was making her rounds and checking on the patients. She comes to Bob's room and takes a peek inside to make sure everything is alright. Bob is folding all of his clothes and everything in his room is laid out neatly on the bed. Being unus...

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The new boyfriend.

Mary and Nancy were having coffee at Mary's house when Mary said "Nancy, I don't know what I am going to do about my new boyfriend."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mary?" Nancy replied. "Well, it's a sexual problem, I'm a little embarrassed."

"What, is he too small, does he not last l...