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Nancy Jokes

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

Come on Nancy Pelosi..

you can't just rip one on live television like that

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

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Sex after Surgery:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corre...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Priest Gets his wish

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll ...

What did Nancy Reagan say when she got to the ball?

(Gags)

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!<...

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

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Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At ...

Two young children...

Nancy and Stevie were best friends at the age of 10. They spent all their time together so they decided they were going to get married.
Stevie decided to tell Nancy's father, and her father asked, "That's great, but where are you going to live?"
Stevie thought for a second and said, "Well, sh...

"Hi Nancy! You're looking good!"

"Thanks Mr. President. Sorry I can't say the same about you."

"Well, you could if you lied like me."

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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise

and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and muse...

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Once in college, I was seeing a girl who had a twin. When I went home for the break I told my mother I was seeing a girl with a twin, and she asked me “how do you tell them apart?”

I told her “Nancy paints her fingernails blue, and Nick has a penis.”

What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

A heroine addict.

Obama goes to hell

Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to
let someone else go."

"I've got three ...

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

Here's a joke from the 80s

Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan are out to dinner. The waiter asks what the First Lady will have. She says, "I'd like the filet mignon, and a baked potato."

The waiter asks, "and the vegetable?"

Mrs. Reagan answers, "Oh, he'll have the same."

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her funeral before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

...bartender says, "y'know, we have a drink names after you!"

Grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Nancy Pelosi?"

Boots

Nancy Sinatra comes home on 30th March with a pair of mens boots. Her father Frank asks if she bought them for him.
She replies “no dad I had them made for my friend Christopher”….

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
<...

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An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.

"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"

Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."

The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."

The little ...

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

Find yourself a woman who holds you as tight as Nancy Pelosi holds her impeachment articles

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a ...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

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The new boyfriend.

Mary and Nancy were having coffee at Mary's house when Mary said "Nancy, I don't know what I am going to do about my new boyfriend."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mary?" Nancy replied. "Well, it's a sexual problem, I'm a little embarrassed."

"What, is he too small, does he not last l...

Dyslexic

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy...

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the...

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

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A great Vacation

One day, at little Hill mental institution in NY, nurse Nancy was making her rounds and checking on the patients. She comes to Bob's room and takes a peek inside to make sure everything is alright. Bob is folding all of his clothes and everything in his room is laid out neatly on the bed. Being unus...

Choking Hazard.

Jim: I once saw a man choke to death right in front of my very eyes.


Nancy: God that must have been awful, did you try to save him with the Heimlich manoeuvre?


Jim: I couldn't at the time, my hands were wrapped tightly around his throat.

The Dead Businessman!!

Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.

Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for...

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Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot ...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

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