Bald Jokes - 91 Hilarious Bald Jokes

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

What do you call a barber that only works on bald people?

An air stylist.

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A bald man...

a bald man decides to take a shower, he enters the bathroom, slips due to water on the ground, falls on his head, slips again.

I first noticed I was going bald

When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

90% of bald men have a comb

They just can’t part with it.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

What do you call a Bald Irishman?

Al O'Peesha

Did you hear about the new flight company I'm starting exclusively for bald people?

Receding Airlines

Why did the bald guy get tattoos of rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they look like hares

A bald guy is minding his own business.

An obnoxious drunk comes up to him, rubs his head and says “your head feel’s just like my wife’s ass”. The bald guy feels his own head and says, “hey, you’re right!”

What do you call a bald porcupine?

Pointless.

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

What is the favourite game of balding people?

Fallout.

A man walks up his bald friend, rubs his head and says "Smooth. Just like my wife's behind."

The friend reaches up, rubs his head and replies "My gosh. You're right."

What happened between a bald person and their hair?

They had a falling out.

I knew I was going bald when...

I knew I was going bald when it started to take longer and longer to wash my face. - Harry Hill

A balding man was getting a haircut.

The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a thinker.”

“Oh?” the man said.

“Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”

“No,” the man said.

“They say you’re a lover,” the ba...

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

I'm as bad at analogies as a bald man in a tree

that's it

An old man went bald but still carries his old comb everywhere with him in his pocket…

He just can’t part with it.

Bald guy: "Hey, bro, I'm new in town. Do you know where I can buy a toupee?"

Bro: "Not off the top of my head."

If I ever start to go bald

I'll get a rabbit tattooed onto my head..
From a distance it would look like a hare

Bald men are meant to be more virile...

The problem is they never get the chance to prove it

Mommy, why is daddy bald?

"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

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bald.

A bald man went to the Dr to ask for help with his baldness, after months of trying various treatments, nothing had worked, in desperation, the Dr suggested that he rubbed his head against his wife's pussy every night. So he did, a month later, he had a fine covering of hair on his head, he was so p...

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Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together?

They made an ass out of themselves!

My wife is leaving me because I’m balding

It’s fine.. it’s “hair” loss.

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...

You don't have toupee.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."

\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

I like playing chess with bald people in the park

The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Bald man’s comb

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?

"I will never part with it !"

Why can’t bald people eat rabbits?

They don’t have hare.

Never insult a bald man.

There’ll be hell toupee.

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?

A hipsterectomy.

Bald man

Bald man marries a bald women
When they had a son, they named him Harry

Men who are bald on top are great thinkers and men who are bald on the back of their heads are great lovers and...

men who are bald on the top and the back *think* they are great lovers.

The old, evil, bald king had three sons.

The youngest one shared his traits but the two older sons were not of an evil nature. In order to make sure the youngest one succeeded him, the king captured a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.

"I wish for my youngest son to be my heir" said the king.

The son disapp...

Why are all the dead sinners bald?

Because they have hell toupee.

What does a balding magician have in his hat?

Hare.

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. ...

What do you call a balding lion in a Chinese restaurant?

Low mane.

Two bald guys talking. One says, ”I’m fed up of being bald.” The other says, “Why don’t you have a transplant?"

The first guy says, "I’d look even worse with a liver on my head."

A man with a hunchback, limp and massive bald spot is sitting in a bar, drinking his beer

When a knock out blonde sits next to him, smiles and says "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" Man, dumbfounded, can only nod. He gets his drink and woman keeps flirting. Guy, thinking this must be some sort of prank isn't engaging when she suddenly asks if he wants to go to her place. "What the hell, why ...

Why are bald jokes the deepest form of humour

Because they cause reflection

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Anti-balding treatment

-Hey Bill, what the heck why are you wearing those ugly ass granny panties on your head?

-Well, John. I’ve seen a lot of hair growth happening for my wife ever since she started wearing these things.

The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

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What’s six inches long, has a bald head, and makes women horny?

A $100 Bill.

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens?

He lost his Hedwig

A bald man cracked his skull.

His diagnosis: a receding hairline fracture.

A bald guy walks into a barbershop

That's it that's the thought that made me laugh today

I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.

It was a small price toupee.

Did you hear what happened to the Bald King who couldn't sire any sons?

He died *heir*-less.

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Bald Guy

So my friend says to me, "Damn your head feels just like my g/f's butt" I'm like "Yes, it does doesn't it?"

Baldness

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out. "Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged. "Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

A man goes to a movie theater

Just as the movie starts, a guy with a shaved head sits right in front of him and the theater lights reflect off the bald man's head. The man behind can't watch the movie at all. He thinks to himself, "I should smack him on the back of his head," but then hesitates, thinking, "That guy is huge... he...

Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.

He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?"...

Nobody wants to be alone. my old neighbor; newly divorced, beer-belly, balding, and closing on 50...

Hate to say it but -

I don’t like her chances

A kid once asked his mother why his father was bald.

His mother replied, “Well, that’s cause your Dad thinks a lot!”

She smiled, pleased with the answer she had come up with.

The kid pondered this for a moment, then inquired, “Then why do you have so many hairs on your head?”

Why did the old car with bald tires stop working?

It was re-tired.

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Scott was completely bald, and clean shaven.

He visited a naturopath seeking advice for curing his malady.

"Every day for three months rub the secretions of a woman's vagina on your head." Advised the naturopath.

Three month's later he returned.

"You dirty bastard!" exclaimed the naturopath when he saw Scott's luxurious mo...

Why did the bald guy go to the bathroom?

He had toupe.

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

What happens when the devil goes bald?

There'll be hell toupee

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

There was a lot of controversy with the bald man’s will

Turns out he didn’t have any heirs

How did the bald man live after he got caught stealing a wig?

He lived toupee.

When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on...

..Receeding Airline.

Why don't bald people use keys?

Because they don't have any locks

What happens when the devil goes bald?

...there's hell toupe!

\ 

I know, I know, but it came from my 12 year old and I thought it was pretty clever and "risque" for that age.

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

Why are so many thieves bald?

They dread locks.

My girlfriend left me because I'm balding.

I almost pulled my hair out.

I like bald eagles.

They taste almost just like baby seals.

A long wait was forming for a bald barber.

The barber seemed to be taking an unnecassary amount of time with each client. It didn't help that even more customers were coming in.

One person got fed up with the wait and demanded to know why things were taking so long.

The barber replied with, "why would i hurry up, this is the b...

Yo mamma so bald...

you can see what is on her mind.

What is the difference between a prince, a bald headed man, a monkey and an orphan?

The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

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Why did the son and apprentice of a Japanese barber go bald after botching a very important client's hair?

To shave face!

Did you hear about the man who accused the devil of going bald?

Fair to say, there was hell toupee

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

I will one day have a pet bald eagle

Name it Freedom. Teach it to ring a bell when it wants fish, so I can let Freedom ring.

I'll show myself to the door.

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