What's the difference between a scruffy man on a bicycle and a well dress man on a unicycle?

A tyre.

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

whats the difference between a cyclist and a scruffy unicyclist

attire

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

A scruffy depressed looking joke walks into a bar, the bartender says "You look worse for wear today, buddy."

"Yeah," the joke replies, "Everything was nice and fresh yesterday, but then I got reposted."

Had to go to work looking scruffy today...

My stupid kid didn't get any razorblades in his Halloween candy.

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A scruffy old drunk walks in to a bar...

... and says "give me a fucking pint and a whisky pal". The barman says "sure, but there's no need for the bad language though". The old fella drinks his pint down in one go and then pours the whisky in to his coats top pocket. The barman is watching this and just shakes his head thinking the guy...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

Lawyer’s

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “...

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bollocks.

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window...

Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get ...

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

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A man wins a trip to meet the Pope...

A man wins a trip to meet the Pope and he can barely contain himself as he is on the plane to Italy. He makes his way to the Vatican where he meets the group of 50 or so other men and women who will be meeting the Pope that day. They chat anxiously while waiting and are finally told to form a line a...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn’t pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general stor...

A man bought a new lamp on Amazon.

When it arrived, he noticed a dirty spot and tried to rub it off with a damp paper towel.

Suddenly, a scruffy glowing teenager appeared and said "Hey man, thanks for freeing me from this lamp. In return, I will grant you three wishes!"

The man was stunned. "You're a genie?"

"Yea...

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.

\-------------------------------------

So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes hom...

I took my niece to the zoo the other day...

The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.

I called the zookeeper over.

"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"

"It's a Shih-Tzu"

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:

"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to ...

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I saw a gorilla on a tyre swing at the zoo the other day...

I thought, wow that looks fun, I'll buy one for the kids! But it makes the tree in my garden look scruffy and it keeps chucking shit at the neighbours.

A guy is not having any luck picking up chicks

He notices that there is another little guy sitting by himself who is doing much better. Every hour or so a different girl walks up to the little guy, starts talking and they soon leave together.

The first guy turns to the bartender and asks "Why does he have all the luck. There is nothing s...

A man excitedly goes to a Catholic convention upon hearing that the Pope is in town and will be there.

In addition to being a devout Christian, he's always been a huge fan of the Pope and dreamed of meeting him and couldn't pass up the opportunity.

He spent days and hours prior trying to find his best outfit and suit, trying many different getups trying to find the most appropriate and respect...

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to t...

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"...

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