Awkward Silence Jokes - 63 Hilarious Awkward Silence Jokes

All my jokes are greeted with an awkward silence.

You could hear a pun drop.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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It was awkward silence for 8 hours straight,With an occasional sigh or heavy breath

Then she woke up and screamed: who the fuck are you?

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

The 3 F's

Ralph was nervous, so he asked his best friend for advice before his first date, "what should I talk about when the conversation dies?"
"Go to the 3 F's - family, food and f(ph)ilosophy."
When the awkward silence fell, Ralph thought "family" and asked her, "Do you have a brother?"
"No", she...

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

First Tinder Date

Yesterday i went on my first tinder date

Date (after few moments of awkward silence) : I think you shouldve used your real photo

Me: same to you grandpa.

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

A girl goes to a date with a Jewish guy

They sit on a hill at night, looking at the stars. The guy seems very shy, and so they sit in silence.

Wanting to break the awkward silence, the girl says "A penny for your thoughts", the guy smiles and replies "Well... will you hug me?", she gets closer and he puts his arm around her.
...

A kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

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Jewish coming out

Yosef walks up to his mother.

"Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul."

After a long awkward silence she frowns.

"Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"

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I took a girl back to my place last night

An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick."

"I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied.

There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"

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A man went to China.

He hired a prostitute to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.

The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shou...

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

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A young man was driving his old neighbor to get groceries

On the way there they spotted a woman attempting to jump off a bridge. They stopped and the old man got out of the car, he told her

"If youre going to die anyway would you want to have sex one last time?"

"Fuck off you pervert!" yelled the woman

So the old man replied "ok i gues...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

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3 drunk mice

3 mice are up late at night, drinking and bullshitting, as mice often do. Just eating cheese bits and chasing them down with copious amounts of alcohol.

They begin to brag about how tough they are relating various experiences evading the cat, the exterminator and other adventures, each one...

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Lie Detector Robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story." Robot slaps the s...

What's the worst part about Necrophilia?

The awkward silence.

My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut

Me : Anything that will make me look good

Hairdresser : oh uhm. \**awkward silence*\* I can try

A graduate student and thesis advisor walk into a bar.

The advisor orders a full draft. They sit in awkward silence for a full year.

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

Elevator confusion

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator together and it stops to let a man on. The man is wearing a business suit and has obvious dandruff flakes on both shoulders. He says hello and gets out on the next floor. The women continue to ride in awkward silence when the brunette speaks up. She says, "...

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A man is telling a story to his friend about his adventures in Africa.

"So I was just walking and saw a lion coming right at me, so I take of my gun and shoot but it doesn't work. I turn around and start running the other direction and the lion is right behind me, I can even feel him breathe. And then... I shit myself"
He feels ashamed and shuts up. His friend tried...

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar in a small town he just moved in to, orders a drink and quietly sits down at the bar.

Shortly after, another man drinking at a table stands up, and shouts "43!" and everyone in the bar bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The man shrugs it off, and co...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

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I walked into an elevator today...

and there was a middle aged man in there, crouching down, holding a white stick and wearing dark glasses.

After saying hello to him, there was an awkward silence between us and I was faced with a very awkward situation.

Should I help him? Will he be offended if I try to help him? Shou...

Try this on someone

say to them "Ive got a great knock knock joke for you but you have to start"

most likely their response will be "Okay, knock knock"

you then say "Who's there?"

They will usually be terribly confused and a hilarious awkward silence ensues

The other day I went to get my eyes tested.

I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.

'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked

The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'

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[Long] Johnny comes home from school early...

...and decides to play with his toys in his parents room, as he is never allowed.

However as he begins to play he hears the front door open, and footsteps come down the hallway towards the room. In fear of getting caught Johnny quickly hides in his parents closet.

Peeking through a cra...

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Three men arrive to the Heaven's Gates...

...and are asked by St. Peter, how did they found their final fate.
The 1st man steps forward:
"Well,see, I long suspected that my wife been cheating on me, so today I "left for work", only to come back half an hour later. And what do I see -- my wife naked in bed, and some asshole below our w...

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose....

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner..

After a few seconds of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."

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A friendly joke from us in Australia

We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will.

Fucking funniest thing we ever saw.

"Fucktard", shouted one of my mates. We all laughed.

"Bed soiler", shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder.
...

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How is this story joke? I created it to present to class tomorrow.

It's supposed to last between 45 seconds to a minute. Is it funny? What can I improve?

A man is driving along a road, and starts to hear a clunking noise coming from under the hood of his car. Luckily for him, an auto repair shop is just down the road. As he drives into the shop’s garage, he’...

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence go to breakfast

... With the restaurant cleared out by Secret Service, it's only the two men and the waitstaff. A waitress comes up to Trump and says "what can I get for you Mr. President?" Donald Trump looks at the menu and says "you know, I would really like a quickie."

The waitress is upset, berates the p...

A guy drives by a bridge and was stopped by a police...

Police: Congratulations sir! You are the millionth car to drive by this bridge since its opening. Here is your lucky reward of $10,000.

A reporter in stand-by rushed in to interview the lucky driver.

Reporter: Congratulations on your win! Can you tell me how do you feel now, and what w...

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Damnit Oscar!

So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal.

Being nervous, the mans stomach is turnin...

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

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An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

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The Pianist Joke

An unemployed pianist is searching for work when he stumbles upon a job advertisement at a bar that wants a pianist, so the man walks in, sits down on the stool and starts playing a beautiful melody on the piano. Alarmed, the bar manager runs out and says, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever he...

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Armless Man (NSFW-Language)

A man with no arms walks into a restroom. He approaches a urinal and turns to a man using the urinal next to him.
"Excuse me sir?"
"Yeah?"
"As you can see I have no arms, so I was wondering if you could undo my zipper?"
The man is shocked, but takes pity on the armless man, and agrees. ...

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(NSFW) Two good ol' country boys were on a long road trip...

...and a few days had gone by without much happening. They were driving down a long winding road with nothing but farms and trees. Suddenly the driver saw a sheep with its head caught in the fence. He quickly pulled over and said, "Man, I got to take a'vantage of this right here right quick!". So he...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walked into an elevator.

There was an awkward silence until the brunette spotted what looked to be cum on the wall opposite her. She squinted at it, trying to be sure, when the redhead noticed and asked:

"Are you ok..?"

"I swear that looks like cum on the wall.." said the brunette, before she walked over to it...

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A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

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A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar when notices a gorilla walking in. The bartender dashes towards the manager’s office in a shocked expression.

“Sir, uh, we have a gorilla in the bar,” says the bartender.

“Well son, go ask what they want,” says the manager.

The bar...

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

Fishing not allowed.

Ok, so I remember one from my youth times, hope it´s not too overused. here it goes:

A man is fishing in a forbidden zone, with a clear sign showing, when a police truck pulls over to confront the man. Seeing the officer coming in his direction, he hides his fishing rod, and silently watches ...

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

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Moroccan jews jokes

I don't know how well these jokes will translate, but I'll give it a try... :)

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

A Moroccan jewish mom is running and screaming at the beach : Heeelp, my son, the lawyer, is drowning!

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Two Moroc...

Forty years after graduating, four friends from business school decide to have a reunion.

The first three arrive at the same time. As they wait for their fourth friend, they start talking, catching up on the years they missed. All of them have had careers, married, and had children who are themselves having careers.

"My son has been such a successful real estate businessman that h...

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A guy wants to buy a new Harley...

A guy wants to buy a new Harley to impress his new girlfriend, (she wants him to impress her parents when he meets them for the first time) so he heads down to the dealership and picks out the one he has been looking at for weeks. The dealer tells him that the chrome is brand new, so to combat rust,...

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A third lady goes into a pet shop...

...she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act.

At home, she tries to teach ...

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George and Betty get frisky!!

Two old people sitting in the retirement home.
(George and Betty).

They are sitting staring out of the large bay window, looking out on to the beautiful garden.

Betty: Penny for your thoughts George?

George: ach sorry Betty, I was just thinking about my youth and all the thi...

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Three men die and are waiting to see St Peter

As they wait in line, they decide to pass the time by telling stories of how they died.

The first man said "So there I was, walking home from work when I saw my wife through the window of my apartment with another man. I've been suspecting her of cheating for some time but now I finally had p...

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Wife and technical support

Dear technical support.

Last year I upgraded my Boyfriend 5.0 program in to the version Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program has unexpected changes in its processing modules. The program limited the access to Flowers and Jewelry applications which worked perfectly under the version...

The sad tale of George and Karen.

George and Karen were highschool sweet hearts, and got married at 19. They were the perfect couple. Except for one thing.

For ten years, George and Karen gave it their all to have a baby. They calculated her cycles, ate right, and went to doctors. But, in the end Geroge just didn't produce en...

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