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Eyed Jokes

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

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One Eyed Redhead.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively...

My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.

I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet.  His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

My cousin's cross eyed girlfriend dumped him

We have a feeling she was seeing someone on the side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

A cross-eyed guy put a cross-eyed bird into a cage

He missed the cage and placed him outside, and the bird being cross-eye missed flying away and flew into the cage.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

Harry is dating a cross-eyed girl

He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, Harry, you still going out with that cute cross-eyed girl?"


Harry says, "No. I found out she was seeing other guys on the side."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Have you heard about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.

My one-eyed, artist girlfriend left me.

Turned out I was not as deep as she first thought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy takes his dog to the vet because it's become cross-eyed.

The vet picks the dog up and stares it straight in the eyes for a minute.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down," he says.

"What, just because he's cross-eyed??" says the man.

"No," says the vet, "because he's fucking heavy."

I accidentally overcooked my rib eye

Don't worry, we all make mis-steaks!

What do you call a one eyed horse?

Cyclippity-clops

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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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Cross-eyed Cow

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly wh...

Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school....

Because he only had one pupil

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish

Wazowski: I want an extra eye

Genie: done

Wazowskii: but nothing happened

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

It all went to shit when Fergie left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

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The Cross eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes str...

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where...

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