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Melbourne Jokes

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

Who's the only person over 58kg to ride a Melbourne Cup winner?

Chris Munce's cellmate.

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Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF

42 and fucking HOT

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What do you call an Extraterrestrial from Melbourne?

An Australien.

A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"

"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

Two friends talking about how packed the trains in their cities are

Two friends from Melbourne and Sydney are talking about how packed the trains are in their cities.

The guy from Melbourne says “The trains are so packed in Melbourne, I got on a train with my pregnant wife and when we got off the train, she’d had the baby”.

The guy from Sydney says “T...

An American arrives at an Australian hospital.

Melbourne, Australia: there is a car accident and an ambulance is called to the scene. Upon arrival, they find an unconscious American. They rush to the hospital. The doctors triage the patient, and fortunately the patient is stable and expected to come to within a day or two.

Sure enough, th...

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live...

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the Melbourne zoo

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

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An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there’s currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says “it’s probably just piles, but since I can’t examine you, you’d better send a photo just in case it’s something more serious.”

Worried, the explorer blurts out “how the hell do I take a ...

Financial aid



An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come b...

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A guy goes hunting...

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

*"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ...

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Slow down love

2 pilots are about to touchdown at the Melbourne Airport.
They start talking about what they are going to do after they land not knowing that they left the microphone on for everyone to hear.
one of them says im gonna have a beer, take a shit and bang one of the hot flight attendants at the ba...

Serious inquiries only

A friend of mine has Two Tickets for the 2016 Ryder Cup

They are Premier Box Seats plus Airfares and 5* Hotel All Inclusive Accommodation.

He didn't realize when he bought them, that this is the same day as his Wedding Day.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it'...

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The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

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russian

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher an...

Things are not always appear

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except ...

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute.

In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts: "I was a rabby ...

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Slow Down Love

5 minutes before landing in Melbourne the pilot says to the passengers
' Good morning everyone, we hope you enjoyed your flight with Qantas. It is currently 14 degrees and cloudy. Have a great day' After the speech the pilot puts the mic down forgetting to mute it. So the other pilot goes on to ...

A lady decided to give herself a treat

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of Melbourne's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 wa...

A groaner for you all...

A rabbit hops its way into a trendy cafe in Melbourne.

It says to the nonplussed waiter, "I've munched my way from Sydney to here and I'd like something different to eat."

"What would you like?" asks the waiter.

"A leaf of fresh lettuce between two pieces of toasted white bread,...

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