I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so popular for plants to change sex?

Because they have less stigma to stamen.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexism is everywhere, even in botany

To this day, there is still a stigma attached to female plants

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

What do sunflowers do when they get cold?

They wear plants

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?

Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

What does plants do when they see other plants are sad?

They photosympathize

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

Plants are incontinent

They soil themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school

The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of shit on her hands right now".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

I like my pants like I like my plants...

...soiled.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

The nun's old outfit

A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.

Old habits dye hard.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...

What do dry gin and pollinating plants have in common?

They're both Bee-Feeders.

Two plants are standing next to each other.

One of them says:
"What did you have for lunch?"
The other says:
"Oh, just a light meal"

What type of plants do skateboarders grow?

Faceplants

Q: What do you call cannabis plants that grow in 1 day?

A: insta-pot

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