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Plants Jokes

You can't grow plants...

... if you haven't botany.

What is a plants favorite instrument?

A photo-synth-esizer

Why don't influencer work in nuclear plants.

Because they get paid just in exposure.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots!

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!”

He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

YSK - The number one reason house plants die is OVER watering.

The number two reason is under watering.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

I am writing a thesis on how plants create oxygen.

There is only text and no photos-ynthesis.

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

What does a forest wear under all the plants?

Planties

Spring is here...

I'm so excited, I soiled my plants.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

If a plant is sad,

Do other plants photosymphathise with it?

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

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How do you call the sexual attraction to plants?

Chlorophyllia

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

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What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

My neighbor just got arrested for growing pot plants

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?

Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

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Why is it so popular for plants to change sex?

Because they have less stigma to stamen.

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

Plants are incontinent

They soil themselves

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck ...

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

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