I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

A Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants

What do you call a Gardener who doesn’t want to keep his plants?

Plant parenthood.

Why didn't the gardener water all of his plants?

He couldn't find the thyme.

What do plants eat between lunch and dinner?

A light snack.

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

How do plants get drunk?

Root beer

Stop neglecting plants.

It's mistreetment.

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?

photosynthesis

One of my friends gets paid minimum wage for watering plants.

Pour guy.

If dogs were plants, what would they be?

Collie-flowers

I'm gonna go shoot myself in the head now

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?

A Chloro-phile.

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

If plants competed in American Idol, which one would win?

I think coriander would.

It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants

Animals have a chance to escape

Why didn't Hitler kill plants?

Because they germinate.

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?

I chlorofeel you man

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

I heard that plants grow faster when you play music for them

I hope they like Plantera

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

What do chefs call plants that make them laugh?

Amuse Bush.

Toilets in power plants are always built on level surfaces...

to prevent rolling brown outs.

I was going to give my friend books of jokes on the anatomy of plants

But I haven’t botany yet

What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?

A Nor-vegan!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

What do you call a league of battling plants?

Phyte club.

Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

I would have really liked to study plants in college...

but my university hadn’t botany.

How does your house get power?

The people at power plants "Work over time"!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...