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Aussie Jokes

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An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, s...

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."



"Bummer, mate...!!!"



"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

The Aussie House Wife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve blood...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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Mad Aussie Farmer

Old Ted, Whose wife had died many years ago, happened to convince a beautiful young lady more than half his age to marry him. He promised to care for her and make sure she was left with his farm when he passed away.

After a year of marriage, however, Old Ted was unable to bring his beautiful ...

How does an Aussie clean his bum?

With a B' day mate!

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Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, t...

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

An Aussie in the trenches

An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying “alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says “Naw mate I came yes to die”

In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

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Two Aussie bogans, Gazza and Dazza, are stumbling home one night

Gazza looks down and sees a mirror on the ground, so he picks it up for a closer look.

"Hey Dazza, I think I know this cunt."

"Give me a look at that" says Dazza. "Of course you do ya dickhead, It's me!"

What do Aussies call their best friends?

A prime mate

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(NSFW) A pair of nuns are driving through the aussie outback.

A pair of nuns are driving through the night in the outback, in an old beat up Holden ute going from one town to another.
When all of a sudden...
A Vampire lands on the bonnet spreading his Cape while squatting and emitts a loud hiss!
One nun turns to the other,
"Quick Mary! show him yo...

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NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

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An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.

The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"

To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

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Them Aussie Drop Bears!

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out...

Since I keep seeing jokes like this, here's a proper Aussie one.

Why is a wombat like a man on a one night stand?

A wombat eats roots, shoots and leaves.

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

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Aussie walks in to see his doctor.

Doctor: Okay, cobber, what seems to be the problem?

Cobber: Mate, could you take a look at my old fella?

Doctor: No worries, cob, just drop yer strides and rip of them nylon undies.

Cobber removes his trousers and underpants, and the doctor examines his penis and ballbag.
...

What do you get if you cross an Aussie PM with a casual swim in the ocean?

A public swimming pool and a new Prime Minister.

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

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An Aussie was visiting the US

When asked by an American what he thought about American beer, he responded "It is like making passionate love in a canoe on a beautiful river."

Dazzled by this response the American asked:

-"How so?"

+"It's fucking close to water!"

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

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What’s the difference between an Aussie and an arsehole?

An arsehole can’t go out for a night on the piss and make an Aussie of itself

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so....

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits t...

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

What does an Aussie say when it’s time to pay the bill?

Checkmate!

One for the Aussies: So after the break-up of Cold Chisel, Ian Moss approached Mick Jagger and Keith Richards about replacing the recently departed Bill Wyman.

But everyone knows a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

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An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer, when they come all three have a fly floating in them. The Englishman immediately calls the waitress over and demands a new drink. The Aussie shrugs his shoulders and downs the beer, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells at him “you thieving shit, spit it out, spit...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

The Aussie and Texan

A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks,

"Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around.

As they a reach paddock ...

A guy got angry at an aussie

A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"

The aussie looked at him, smiled, and responded "G'day to you to, mate!"

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Why can't the aussie go on a "no cussing challenge?"

It's a part of his lifestyle, he cunt do it

What’s an Aussies favorite kind of pie?

Boo meringue

You know you're an Aussie if...

sᴉɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ no⅄

What do Aussie women firefighter hate people asking them?

If their bush is on fire.

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

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Bear Grylls walks into an Aussie Pub

Bartender goes "what can I get you"

Bear Grylles, "its alright, I brought my own piss"

The Aussie Farmer, Osama Bin Laden And A Biker

Three men - a Farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.


They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.


The Farmer says, 'I am a farmer and my son wil...

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

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An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a beer please,’ and turns to his pal. ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be $9.40 please.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change fo...

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Aussie wedding mix up

A wedding occurred, in Austrailia. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all me...

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..

When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, “good eye mike!”

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

Sheeps

3 sheep farmers, an Australian and a New Zealander and a Welshman are in a bar having a drink and chatting.

The Welshman asks the other two in what position they have relations with their sheep if needs become desperate.

The Kiwi says "Well, I'll grab a sheep by the back legs like a wh...

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we...

Let's make it Aussie joke day.

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

A Scotsman, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...

The Scot notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Scot as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why...

An Aussie farmer is talking to a rancher from Texas....

The Texan says, "Boy, let me give you an idea of just how big my ranch is.

If I get in my truck at daybreak, and I drive all day, by the time the sun sets, I'm still on my land!"

The Aussie sighs, "Yeah, I had a truck like that too."

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

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The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

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What do Aussie women use for protection when having sex?

The bus shelter.

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."

An Aussie and his pet crocodile

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons and announced, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. ...

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

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[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

What name did the Aussie give his pal who was in a vegetative state?

Vege-mite!

An Australian is driving all over Texas, fast and reckless.

He's streaking down highways, taking curves too fast and just generally being a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

Finally, a state trooper catches up to him and gets him to pull over. "Drivin' a little crazy there, friend," says the trooper. "You come here to die?"

The A...

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

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Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2...

As an Aussie; 10am is when I make a cuppa Twinings English Breakfast for the local marsupials

it's a really koala tea time

An Englishman goes to see a doctor...

An Englishman goes to the doctor and says "please doc, I really, really want to be Irish"
The doctor replies "I can definitely do it but I'll need to cut out half your brain"
"That's fine doc - whatever you need to do, please just make me Irish" the Englishman responds.
After the surgery, t...

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I don't see a problem with calling an Australian an aussie, a Pakistani a paki, a Scotsman a scot...

Or a Frenchman a cunt

I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone

He replied, "Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. "

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Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile.

The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is."

"I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."

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An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar...

... they sit at the bar and order whiskey.

The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. "In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"

The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and sh...

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

Old Aussie joke: Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling?

There are 48 heads in her box - of course she`s happy!

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

What’s the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They’re the same kiss, but the Aussie one is down under.

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

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