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Prosthetic Jokes

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

Why couldn't the amputee get new prosthetics?

...because it was gonna cost an arm and a leg.

I sell prosthetics for children...

I'm a small arms dealer

Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.

That’d be funny, wooden tit

What does a prosthetic rental service do?

They lend a hand.

I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas

It's just a stocking filler.

A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store.

He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.

The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"

What do you call a prosthetic arm for a dog?

Faux paw.

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

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It would have been weird if they made prosthetic boobs way back when

Wooden tit

It’s not OK to make fun of someone with a prosthetic arm.

It’s not humerus.

A prosthetic technician got bored one afternoon...

Sitting at his desk while working on a replacement ear for a patient, the technician decided to play around with the molds and shapes.

Finding entertainment in making small animals, his supervisor arrived to inspect his progress.

The technician asked, "what do you think about my litt...

I went into the doctor's, and said "I lost my left leg and arm in a car accident. How much would it cost for prosthetics".

"An arm and a leg."

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

What do you call trendy internal prosthetics?

Hip implants

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

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Can anyone guess the company name that specializes in Prosthetics Assholes.

PROSTI-TOOT

It’s hard to find deals for prosthetics in today’s economy.

They charge me an arm and a leg for their product.

I guess if your dog had prosthetic feet...

They’d be going through many paws

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

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My girlfriend had a leg removed and got it replaced with a dildo prosthetic.

She calls it her "pegleg".

I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

I've got a prosthetic leg.

I just hope it's previous owner got home okay.

I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

My used store for prosthetics will be called

The Second Hand, Second Hand Store

Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?

It was a stocking stuffer.

When people ask me about my prosthetic arm

I tell them it was crazy expensive. It costs an arm and a leg, but I was able to bargain.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

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[NSFW] What do you call a doctor with a prosthetic penis made of wood?

Hickory dickory Doc.

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The best name for a prosthetic ass company:

FARSE

What do you call a pirate who steals other peoples prosthetic limbs?

A peg-leg bootlegger

Where do amputees get prosthetics on a budget?

The Secondhand store.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

A dinner guest made a joke about my cats prosthetic foot.

Major faux paw.

I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist

Secondhand

A guy with golden prosthetic legs walks into a bar and orders all of the beer

The bartender asks,

Bartender: *"how are you going to pay for all of that?"*

Guy: *"With mah-knee."*

What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?

Happy New Ear!

What do you call a guy with a prosthetic rubber toe

Roberto.

What do you call a prosthetic used in exchage for your missing leg.

A stubstitute

What do unsatisfied customers of prosthetic feet give the manufacturer?

Their feedback.

What do you call a person who sells prosthetic limbs for kids?

a small arms dealer.

A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke.

He had a one night stand.

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

OC! A 3-legged dog walks into a bar; he’s wearing a prosthetic.

The bartender is obviously checking out his prosthesis.

“Oh that,” says the dog, “excuse the faux paw.”

What's another name for a prosthetic patella?

Faux-knee

I want to start selling arm prosthetics globally

Because then I'll be an international arms dealer.

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Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

“Look Ma! No hands!”

“Dammit Jimmy those prosthetics were expensive!”

Why was the CEO of a leading prosthetics company arrested?

It came out that he was involved in international arms dealing.

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.

You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you’re an artificial limb salesman?



Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

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A blind lady is having sex with a man with a prosthetic leg...

After she orgasms for the tenth time, she touches her lovers' face and breathily whispers, "was that as good for you as it was for me?"

The man wakes up startled, and hesitantly looks down under the covers.

"I think you got off on the wrong foot."

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took the Purple Heart that he got in Vietnam.

He was so mad he threw his prosthetic leg at me.

"STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF" the bully chanted

But I could not, for he popped off my prosthetics

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

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A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

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Apparently 3 out of 5 Americans live next to some sort of sexual pervert.

Not me, I live next to a sexy senior citizen with a prosthetic leg!

Oscar

• Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius


• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

• When Oscar Pistorius sai...

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A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

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A man was walking down the street when his son asks him a question.

"Dad, why is that guy wearing a robot leg?"

"It's a prosthetic leg," the father explains. "They go where real limbs used to be."

Confused, the son asks, "Did mum used to have a penis?"

"No son," the dad replies. "Why'd you ask?"

"She has one in her drawer."

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

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A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

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I had an interview at a Disability Clinic...

After having a fantastic interview, the interviewer handed me a paper and told me to wait outside his office.

So, I’m pacing and reading this paper—because impulse—and I accidentally bumped into some random guy. He fell pretty hard to the ground. I said “Oh my gosh, I was so focused on readin...

I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer...

... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own?

It was two-tired.

*Slaps knee*

*Prosthetic leg falls off*

Arms Dealer?

Would those who make upper extremity prosthetics be known as "arms dealers"?

Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball?

He had a prophetic prosthetic.

So what do you do?

*I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*

So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?

*I prefer international arms dealer.*

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

My friend is a keen poker player

He recently lost his arm in a car accident - They've given him a prosthetic but he's finding it really hard to deal with.

Thibodeaux had recently lost an eye

and gotten it replaced with a wooden one. A few weeks later, he went on down to the bar where he noticed a lady with a prosthetic leg.

Thibodeaux walked up to her and asked if she'd like to dance. She gasped and said, "would i?"

Thibodeaux yelled back "peg leg!"

I can't stand

When people leave my prosthetic leg down stairs

A man is sitting in a bar looking sad....

(friend of mine told me this forever ago. I'm sure its been posted here before)

The bartender asks, “Why you so down?”

Man replies, “Well, no girls will talk to me because I have this wooden eye and it freaks them out.”

Bartender thinks for a moment, “See that cute girl sitting ...

A one eyed man

Had no money to buy a fancy prosthetic eye, so he carved one out of wood and painted it. Because of this he was shy, unable to talk to girls, and he felt very lonely. One day at work he was having lunch alone when he was joined by a woman with a cleft lip. Although she was shy at first, they finally...

You know what I want

A guy taking a overnight train settles down in his bunk in the sleeper car, he hears someone climb into the bunk below him. He looks down behind the curtain, its a beautiful blonde woman. She takes off her blouse and removes her falsies, she takes off her false eyelashes, she removes a fake eye, tak...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

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A young mechanic...

A young mechanic was working on a car when the lift broke, and the car fell and severed his arm. Now severely depressed because he had one arm, loved to golf, and couldn't afford a prosthetic arm, decided "well, this is it. This is my end... I will kill myself because I can't play golf nor afford an...

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Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

So a guy goes to his dentist...

...to get some a prosthetic plate fitted. Well, a month or so later he goes back. The new plates just don't feel like they are sitting correctly and feel as if they are a little loose. His dentist takes a look and asks, "Have you been eating anything particularly acidic?"

"Well... my wife doe...

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

Wooden Eye Vet

A war vet with a wooden eye goes to a dance for injured veterans. He can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a prosthetic leg. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and asks "Would you da...

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A cheating husband (long joke), NSFW

A cheating husband is caught by his wife. She goes crazy and cuts his dick off. It cannot be re-attached. They divorce and years go by. The guy's doctor tells him about an experimental procedure where they make a prosthetic out of an elephant's trunk. The guy agrees to have the procedure done. ...

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A man walks into a bar...

"Hey bartender! I bet you 50 bucks I can spit on my own eye!"

It being a slow night, the bartender accepts the bet. The man then immediately pulls out his glass eye and hocks a loogie on it.

"Bullshit!" Yells the bartender. "I'm not paying you jack for that!"

Without skipping ...

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[Long] [NSFW] So a man is at the bar with some co-workers...

They're sitting around, throwing a few back, when the man decides to get clever. He tells them, "Lads, did ya know I'm capable of biting my own eye?" His co-workers tell him to come off it, but he insists that it's true. So, curious, they each put money on the table, willing to take this drunks mone...

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[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

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