How much do millennials weigh?

An instagram.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

What is a millennial’s favourite fragrance?

Scents of entitlement.

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What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

I always wondered why my millennial friend always writes in lower case letters...

...apparently he is anti-capitalism.

Why can't millennials take a joke?

Because the jokes always hit a little too close to their parent's house.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

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I was arguing with a millennial coprophiliac and I told him to eat shit and die

He said “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

That's racist.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

Why are millennials so odd?

Because they can't even.

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?

A rimjob.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

What did the millennial say when his friend played jaws on the piano?

That low key gave me chills

why do millennials always type in lowercase?

because they reject capitalism.

Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

If a millennial asks you...

If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes

.

.


Tell them that they're too young to remember the demon uprising of the 1980s

A millennial walks into an executives office

The millennial says "Sir i would like a job."
The executive replies "Really.... How about $100k a year, corner office and a company car."
The millennial says "WOW YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

The executive says "yes, but you started it."

Millennial suicide humor

Never gets old

Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...

Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

As a millennial snowflake, if I can't win,

I at least expect a ribbon for precipitation.

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

[Removed]

Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?

Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

What's the difference between a millennial and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Amazeballs is millennial for "cool",

But it's also Native American for "hush puppies".

What did the millennial Charlie say after visiting the chocolate factory?

It was choco-lit

There are 3 types of rings common to the millennial marriage.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and tindering.

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

I asked a millennial hipster yoga teacher to leave the room...

He said: "Nah a ma stay."

If a Millennial dies, they can be eulogized as such:

"They died doing what they loved. Dying."

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What is millennials' idea of dirty talk?

"Fuck me like you owe me."

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

85% of Millennials struggle with figuring out the opposite of these words.

Always
Coming
Take
Me
Down

Did you hear about the millennial on Wheel of Fortune?

He tried to rent a vowel.

A dad complains "Millennials get certificates for anything..."

"My son got one last week just for dying!"

I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial

But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.

My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...

.. so I plugged out his life support

how many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Enough to protest until the government does it for them

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare....

Back in my day we just died

People say Millennials are entitled...

but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

How Many Baby Boomers does it take to explain a hippie joke to a Millennial?

"I'm offended"

what do you call Johnny Cash's millennial grandson

Johnny Bitcoin

A boomer, a millennial, and a Gen Z kid walk into a bar

They sit down at a table and order a bottle of whiskey. The boomer pours a tall glass for himself and says, "There ain't no social security left, so I'm pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" Then, the millennial grabs the bottle an pours a medium sized glass and says, "I've got $100,000 in student...

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If I had a dollar for every time someone told millennials to stop being dramatic and entitled...

I still wouldn’t be able to afford a fucking house

Millennials wont get this

vaccines

Someone told me that I have 'Millennial humor'

It's comments like those that make me want to shoot myself and then go into debt.

Why do millennials love Animal Crossing?

Because it allows them to fulfil the dream of buying a house.

Give a millennial a smartphone and he'll live for a day...

... any longer than that and he'll become a mindless, soulless, social media zombie.

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.

Dogs are expensive.

In the future, a millennial and his wife are lying in bed

The wife turns to the husband and says, "remember life before self-driving cars?"

The husband replies, "Yes, those days were quite the struggle. So glad we evolved past driving cars."

The wife says, "remember life before smartphones?"

The husband replies, "I sure do. What ...

Apparently incredulousness is increasing amongst millennials

I don’t believe it for a second

People keep laughing at Millennials over this whole eating Tide Pods thing, but it started with Bill O'Reilly

“Tide goes in, Tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. You can’t explain why the Tide goes in.”

Millennials don't get this...

Low college tuition rates.

I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

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How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Shit's already mad lit, fam.

Next time someone complains about millennials

Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

How many millennials does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to do it, the other to give him his ribbon.

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A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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Study finds millennials are having less sex

Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.

millennial superstitions

If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.

Life: Why do people love me and hate you?

Death: *scoffs* Have you met the millennials?

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Why are the top porn searches always for "Teen" and "MILF" age groups?

Because millennials are sick of watching each other get fucked.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

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