UPJOKE
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How do you weigh a millennial?

In instagrams.

Why can't millennials take a joke?

Because the jokes always hit a little too close to their parent's house.

Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?

Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

Millennial milestone: I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too...

They even let us bring food upstairs.

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

If a millennial asks you...

If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes

.

.


Tell them that they're too young to remember the demon uprising of the 1980s

What's the difference between a millennial and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?

A rimjob.

Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.

Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.

I think Coronavirus is a millennial..

.. Because everyone's OK except the boomers.

People say Millennials are entitled...

But have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

I’m so sick of Millennials and their attitudes….

Always walking around like they rent the place

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

A millennial once entered a bar

He Couldn't afford anything, so he's left

How do Millennials fireproof their homes?

By never owning one.

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

[Removed]

What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do millennial eskimos do Friday night with girls they like?

Net fish and chill.

How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 to hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them!

Ever wondered why "I hate my life" is millennial humor?

As a Zoomer, I'm here to say that the phrase actually applies to members of Gen Z as well.

The only difference is that for millennials, it's funny.

I'm serious.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

How much do millennials weigh?

An instagram.

85% of Millennials struggle with figuring out the opposite of these words.

Always
Coming
Take
Me
Down

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A millennial walks into a bank

"I'd like to go $200,000 into debt please."

Banker: "What for?"

M: "Student loans."

B: "Great! Sign right here please."

M: "Nice. Can I also get a mortgage?"

B: "Absolutely the fuck not!"

What's the difference between Elvis and a millennial's spirit?

Some people still think Elvis is alive

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams







eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

How can you tell it’s a Millennial nursing home?

All the residents have atrophy.

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

What did the millennial say to the boomer upset over being called "boomer"?

The same thing boomers said to them growing up.

"They're just words. They can't hurt you."

I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial

But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.

What is a millennial rapper’s favorite Transformer?

Mumblebee

As a millennial snowflake, if I can't win,

I at least expect a ribbon for precipitation.

If a Millennial dies, they can be eulogized as such:

"They died doing what they loved. Dying."

Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...

Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

What did the millennial say when his friend played jaws on the piano?

That low key gave me chills

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

Millennial suicide humor

Never gets old

A boomer, a millennial, and a Gen Z kid walk into a bar

They sit down at a table and order a bottle of whiskey. The boomer pours a tall glass for himself and says, "There ain't no social security left, so I'm pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" Then, the millennial grabs the bottle an pours a medium sized glass and says, "I've got $100,000 in student...

Why are millennial girls so odd?

Cause they can’t even

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

Most falcons live to be 12 - 15 years old. That means falcons born in the 21st century are…

Millennial falcons.

A millennial walks into an executives office

The millennial says "Sir i would like a job."
The executive replies "Really.... How about $100k a year, corner office and a company car."
The millennial says "WOW YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

The executive says "yes, but you started it."

How Many Baby Boomers does it take to explain a hippie joke to a Millennial?

"I'm offended"

Trump shutting down the border would be the best thing for millennials

Once the avocado market dries up they can finally pay off their student loans and buy a house

Amazeballs is millennial for "cool",

But it's also Native American for "hush puppies".

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

What does a millennial cowboy say?

Yeet Haw!

My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...

.. so I plugged out his life support

In the future, a millennial and his wife are lying in bed

The wife turns to the husband and says, "remember life before self-driving cars?"

The husband replies, "Yes, those days were quite the struggle. So glad we evolved past driving cars."

The wife says, "remember life before smartphones?"

The husband replies, "I sure do. What ...

Millennials wont get this

vaccines

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

Give a millennial a smartphone and he'll live for a day...

... any longer than that and he'll become a mindless, soulless, social media zombie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time someone told millennials to stop being dramatic and entitled...

I still wouldn’t be able to afford a fucking house

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

I asked a millennial hipster yoga teacher to leave the room...

He said: "Nah a ma stay."

What did the millennial Charlie say after visiting the chocolate factory?

It was choco-lit

Someone told me that I have 'Millennial humor'

It's comments like those that make me want to shoot myself and then go into debt.

The boomers' approach to healthcare is better than millennials'

Just compare the average age of death for both

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A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare....

Back in my day we just died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study finds millennials are having less sex

Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

GenXer's, Millennials, Baby Boomers

**Quarenteens!**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

Grandpa: Your generation wastes too much in therapy!

Millennial: Don't worry, we just make up for the therapy your generation missed.

What do you call a millennial acting like they grew up in the 70's

A hippiecrite.

millennial superstitions

If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.

Next time someone complains about millennials

Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Shit's already mad lit, fam.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

Apparently incredulousness is increasing amongst millennials

I don’t believe it for a second

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.

Dogs are expensive.

The hawk on the patio

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at that big hawk out on the patio," he tells the bartender. "It looks like its eating some avocado toast." "Oh, that bird again," the bartender sighs. "I think its a Millennial Falcon."

Why do millennials prefer odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

How many millennials does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, but he has to create a safe-space where the light-bulb can go to avoid being offended that it's being replaced.

Millennials don't get this...

Low college tuition rates.

A dad complains "Millennials get certificates for anything..."

"My son got one last week just for dying!"

People keep laughing at Millennials over this whole eating Tide Pods thing, but it started with Bill O'Reilly

“Tide goes in, Tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. You can’t explain why the Tide goes in.”

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