UPJOKE
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Zombies Jokes

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.
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What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!
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I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
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Why Do Zombies Drink Coffee?

To Awaken from the dead!!!!
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3 zombies were hungry...

3 zombies were hungry and one of them said "I will be back in a minute" minute later he came back with blood stains on his mouth. Other 2 asked "how did that happen?"
He replied:
"Do you see that pole?"
-"Yes."
"There was a man hiding behind it and I ate him."
Second zombie said "I w...
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2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."
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Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.
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What makes zombies laugh?

Dad jokes.
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What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!
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A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.
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What did the zombies eat at the picnic?

Barbara Q.
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Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!
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Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things
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What do zombies do in church?

Prey.
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I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!
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I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....
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What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.
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Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.
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Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"
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What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room
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Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!
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What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS
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What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con
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Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.
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Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."
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If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.
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What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer
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What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!
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Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes
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Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language
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What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.
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How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.
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What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen
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100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”
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During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...
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What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines
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Zombies die as they lived

They don’t
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What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast
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How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.
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I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.
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What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!

Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit
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Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

What do 1000 animated zombies eat?

Fraaaaaaames....
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?
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