Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?

Toothless zombies can't bite.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

Can zombies do yoga?

Of corpse knot!

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

How many zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because they use a fleshlight.

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

What do zombies that like cereal say?

GRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS

What do Middle Eastern Zombies eat?

Bahrains!

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

What do the zombies read in the newspaper?

The head lines

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

Where do zombies shop for groceries?

Whole Dudes

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today...

... But all I got were moans and groans.

Why do zombies speak latin?

Because it's a dead language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate Halloween

Zombies are stupid, vampires suck, werewolves can bite me, and succubi? Fuck em.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

Two zombies are eating Amy Schumer...

One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one replies "No."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: You are afraid of thicc zombies?

Me: Yes

Therapist: Deadass?

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.

H: "Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you."

W: "Aww...."

H: "The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food"

How are zombies similar to intellectual men?

They both appreciate women for their brains, not their bodies.

What do you call a bunch of zombies dressed as Superheroes?

The Necro Comic-Con

Zombies die as they lived

They don’t

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

What do you call a hotel for zombies

A dead and breakfast

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

What's that one room zombies can never enter?

the LIVING room

Regular zombies say "braaaaaiiiins". What do vegetarian zombies say?

"Graaaiiiins"

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

What do zombies eat while on a hike?

Entrail Mix.

What do melancholic zombies wish for?

A brainy day.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaains!

Stolen from /u/tinyahjumma comment on r/askreddit

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

Everyone should stop giving zombies a hard time...

...they just want piece of mind.

What do you call a person who thinks zombies are superior to people?

A wight supremacist

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