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Amputated Jokes

A man had the right side of his body amputated

I said "if i was half the man he was, i'd be a quarter of a man"

Leg amputated

Guy goes into hospital to get his leg amputated! But the surgeon makes a mistake and removes the good leg!

The guy wakes up from anesthetic and the doctors at his bedside. Hello sir, I will get straight to it, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Guys says" bad news first then go...

Good news, bad news

Doctor: I've got some good news and some bad news. What would you rather hear first?

Patient: Gee, I don't know...gimme the good news first I guess.

Doctor: The operation was 100% successful

Patient: That's great news! So what's the bad news?!

Doctor: We amputated the wr...

My friend got his right arm amputated.

Now he only has one left.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated?

He’s all right now.

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition

I'm stumped

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

I think the doctor who amputated my legs is the best doctor in the world,

but I admit I'm partial.

My friend had to get amputated in half yesterday.

Well, at least he’s all right now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist returns back home

A tourist travels all over Asia and has unprotected sex wherever he goes. A few days after he returns back to America he notices that his penis is covered with green and purple spots. Alarmed, he immediately visits a doctor.

'Oh boy, that's obviously the infamous 'Mongolian Spotty Dick Syndro...

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

A man woke up and called out "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

The doctor responded "I know, I amputated your arms!"

Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!

Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

I had both my legs amputated even though only one had gangrene.

I had to sell the other one to pay for the surgery.

I had to get my leg amputated.

Guess I'm on my final leg.

My hand got amputated recently :c

On the other hand, i have a new girlfriend.

I had to have my left leg and arm amputated.

That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be "all right"

What do you call an amputated finger?

Disposable thumb

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

Best amputation jokes?

Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated?

Defeeted

My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated.

After that, nobody stood him up again!

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

What do you call a Russian who's had both of his legs amputated?

0-leg

So my best friend had his index finger amputated in an accident.

That’s dis-a-pointing.

I couldn’t think of a joke when I had my leg amputated

I was stumped

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

I broke up with my girlfriend after she had to have all of her toes amputated...

I told her before we started dating that I'm *lack-toes intolerant*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, “damn i cant feel my legs.” The doctor said to him, “well thats because we amputated your arms.”

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon

She finally took my digits this time!

I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why

"Because it's my right"

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

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A man wakes up in a hospital after an operation

‘We have accidentally amputated your penis’ said the doctor

‘What the actual f**k!!!’ shouted the man

Then the doctor said ‘Ma’am, you need to calm down’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

A girl living in Tchernobyl had an arm amputated due to a radiation overdose

Now she only has 2 left

Yesterday, I saw a guy harassing a diabetic who recently had parts of his foot amputated.

I guess the first guy was lack toes intolerant.

Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her.

I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

If a well endowed woman works at Hooters, where does a guy with an amputated leg work?

IHOP

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

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Man has to go to the doctor...

The doctor asking: What is your problem?
Answer: I got a green dick...

The doctor graps a book and returns to the man. He looks it up and he‘s saying: “Here we go, Brown dick, needs to be amputated...Grey dick, needs to be amputated...Blue dick, needs to be amputated too.“

The man i...

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says “we’re going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads”.

He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says “well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?”

“I’ll take the bad news first”

“Okay, ...

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

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